tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-77241312817236248742024-03-05T05:38:21.125-08:00likover.coma final resting place for tired humorlikoverhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05542306663810299132noreply@blogger.comBlogger104125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7724131281723624874.post-71463855136490511052020-10-01T20:39:00.012-07:002020-10-22T15:25:17.685-07:00The Onion Might Appreciate These Fake Headlines<h2 style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-align: left;"><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh6omPBx3c5d8USoQG_BtoOJWfxJ1yv30xFf6N9WNSNJn8MyE4IFUNMq9BwkjOF-mH-uPkSJlu6RPhyTqrBMUzT3ExcnEP27dMTWJN_h70qiACDp1HtR-TJYkoZ8F7GQRifzjhvoVP9n6Ud/s475/old_timey_news.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="436" data-original-width="475" height="368" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh6omPBx3c5d8USoQG_BtoOJWfxJ1yv30xFf6N9WNSNJn8MyE4IFUNMq9BwkjOF-mH-uPkSJlu6RPhyTqrBMUzT3ExcnEP27dMTWJN_h70qiACDp1HtR-TJYkoZ8F7GQRifzjhvoVP9n6Ud/w400-h368/old_timey_news.jpg" width="400" /></a></div><i>I've recently submitted the following not-real news headlines as part of an application for a workshop run by The Onion. I figured instead of letting it die in the hands of a workshop gatekeeper I'd let it die on the internet!</i></h2><div style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-align: left;"><i><br /></i></div><div style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-align: left;"><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEibFZ2Afj1cVH_HZzZ-JDEgmt3f_H3cOLDe6Q1Qzg213SJ42kYxeIQCRJByA9mKqXEC2m1Nby30Ynlac0udRzZzaemwv-HB7i5U_wdjzsXHvNs33feVi27c76Rew18qnnMOtWKv6r-25YGK/s800/laptop+parents.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="450" data-original-width="800" height="225" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEibFZ2Afj1cVH_HZzZ-JDEgmt3f_H3cOLDe6Q1Qzg213SJ42kYxeIQCRJByA9mKqXEC2m1Nby30Ynlac0udRzZzaemwv-HB7i5U_wdjzsXHvNs33feVi27c76Rew18qnnMOtWKv6r-25YGK/w400-h225/laptop+parents.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><b style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: large;">Apple Unveils Suite of New Products that Your Parents Will Need Help Setting Up<br /></span></b></td></tr></tbody></table></div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj0Lzc6ezQ_impnzeMuhRk10EfA3tR4oSiHuKgnLZkGRWFlew3IpoZZB2W77tZIqwWQcgarSrMMeOdKl9mLGgi5s6TlLz-mMW4HoMvckf228q5gEZ9RsxIpjim9EfAEJwb_ry1dSeW7C2A_/s1500/bikeshare.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1001" data-original-width="1500" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj0Lzc6ezQ_impnzeMuhRk10EfA3tR4oSiHuKgnLZkGRWFlew3IpoZZB2W77tZIqwWQcgarSrMMeOdKl9mLGgi5s6TlLz-mMW4HoMvckf228q5gEZ9RsxIpjim9EfAEJwb_ry1dSeW7C2A_/s320/bikeshare.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><b style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: large;">City’s New Bike Share Program Hailed as Great Service for Those With Absolutely No Other Options</span></b></td></tr></tbody></table><div style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-align: left;"><br /><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgzlLLGXtv753x603avxcS9KB-iVpLFqSfkVntevcsvY41TIEGvGeq0JiNat5VvxaMXHy3FMjuA-mUF5s_UrpWHAzdKp9GJYRaUierQKDthB4Q35NahBVQUlM2VJMA4JEJxPyKOYa2PRxeC/s1200/seagulls.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="800" data-original-width="1200" height="266" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgzlLLGXtv753x603avxcS9KB-iVpLFqSfkVntevcsvY41TIEGvGeq0JiNat5VvxaMXHy3FMjuA-mUF5s_UrpWHAzdKp9GJYRaUierQKDthB4Q35NahBVQUlM2VJMA4JEJxPyKOYa2PRxeC/w400-h266/seagulls.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><b style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: large;">Actual Flock of Seagulls Tired of Being Confused for 80’s New Wave Band<br /></span></b></td></tr></tbody></table></div><div style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: x-small;"><b><br /></b></span></div><div style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-align: left;"><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjGv4NRJkWTc05Hs_PQPVhLXESh915QXnqqiHUWqGLXkoxL24nDmux8iiXtcjN96tVvUqaLfP7uLV3LVrITcgWiIi2WMSZ-ywIUi_LWTa0yGaiAk23jPpNFWCflsUUGBBdR66QDsw90Vhys/s1200/birthday_card.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="801" data-original-width="1200" height="268" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjGv4NRJkWTc05Hs_PQPVhLXESh915QXnqqiHUWqGLXkoxL24nDmux8iiXtcjN96tVvUqaLfP7uLV3LVrITcgWiIi2WMSZ-ywIUi_LWTa0yGaiAk23jPpNFWCflsUUGBBdR66QDsw90Vhys/w400-h268/birthday_card.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><b style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: large;">Woman Spends 20 Minutes Selecting Nephew's Birthday Card That Won’t Even Have Check In It</span></b></td></tr></tbody></table></div><p class="p2" style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 15px; text-align: left;"><b><br /></b></p><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjDdUpEhIgtj7X7iAgBW7SHjX1jUCeDf5-4-7anxmSktm_wFNUnTceQIzFC7mrk07aDSUf8TU7z0n2DTpUkLbVlpAxOw52vSRR54EboDnI9nn0ilzhmt84Y9XXlDKZGsttSepGX3P1yJRBE/s600/trump_rbg.jpeg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><span style="font-size: large;"><img border="0" data-original-height="315" data-original-width="600" height="210" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjDdUpEhIgtj7X7iAgBW7SHjX1jUCeDf5-4-7anxmSktm_wFNUnTceQIzFC7mrk07aDSUf8TU7z0n2DTpUkLbVlpAxOw52vSRR54EboDnI9nn0ilzhmt84Y9XXlDKZGsttSepGX3P1yJRBE/w400-h210/trump_rbg.jpeg" width="400" /></span></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><b style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: large;">President Trump Visits Casket of Ruth Bader Ginsburg to Get Paid His Respects<br /></span></b></td></tr></tbody></table><div style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span></span><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><br /><img border="0" data-original-height="1350" data-original-width="2048" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh3NQ_KPL7VPR4DWdivukvXKTfeSV3H-cdqqasI4LkwMiRPyUP2GSxYBHThFnU-fNpsvaWNnIST5BJbWrvoFrqTB_mXAE0bwovPQLhBWvgSXjaZeg4JfMxN0nmwfg46qszAu_IQrbjMsHCS/s320/office-cube.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" width="320" /></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: large;"><b><span>Coworke</span></b><b><span>r’s Va</span></b><b><span>cati</span></b><b><span>on Sto</span></b><b><span>ry Over</span></b><b><span>heard for Third Time This Morning</span></b></span></td></tr></tbody></table><div style="text-align: center;"><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; 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margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="285" data-original-width="335" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhIkoS6bVuMOCNA1EJ31S3kRFz7NQp57tUuhFJ43au3diicfG_1noHWSI3xb3-bnvhJHdMj0_FnOjfw7mSwOv3FVYIKS0kgCsasxTO3FZVbREzkYVq9rF6et0ezRByEEawds0GDjFQBZ9E-/s320/dog_trash.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><b style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: large;">Man’s Best Friend Abandons Man for Discarded Chicken Wing<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></span></b></td></tr></tbody></table></span></div><div style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span><b><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjwU2p7j9dxWVSfdmQBmuB5vhhTwgGc4q1aiF-zXKaaYIyaw6_Azx9fHBBEXQ6J07XrVl9Yz1u3eQ4Ebnpqf4wlGE38EhSPoSvkSr5DEng1okE_IMMefXGH85EIHYFfgeop2vLSSV_qy2hb/s1100/lunch_at_work.webp" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="618" data-original-width="1100" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjwU2p7j9dxWVSfdmQBmuB5vhhTwgGc4q1aiF-zXKaaYIyaw6_Azx9fHBBEXQ6J07XrVl9Yz1u3eQ4Ebnpqf4wlGE38EhSPoSvkSr5DEng1okE_IMMefXGH85EIHYFfgeop2vLSSV_qy2hb/s320/lunch_at_work.webp" width="320" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><b style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Man Working from Home Has Trouble Adjusting to Lunch Not Being Stolen Out of Refrigerator By Coworkers</span></b></td></tr></tbody></table></b><b><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></b></span></div><h2 style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-align: left;"><span><span style="font-size: large;"><u><b>Additional Headlines:</b></u></span></span></h2><div style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span><b><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></b></span></div><div style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>CEO Reports That Newborn Daughter Has Outperformed Q1 Growth Forecast</b></span></span></div><div style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span><span style="font-size: medium;"><b><br /></b></span></span></div><div style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>Man Credits Diet, Exercise For Slightly Less Embarrassing Physique<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></b></span></span></div><div style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span><span style="font-size: medium;"><span class="Apple-converted-space"><b><br /></b></span></span></span></div><div style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>Despite Owning Several Instruments That Precisely Measure Passage of Time, Man Still Can’t Believe It Already Friday</b></span></span></div><div style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span><span style="font-size: medium;"><span class="Apple-converted-space"><b><br /></b></span></span></span></div><div style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span><div style="font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><p class="p1" style="font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>Refugee In Line for U.S. Immigration Considers Hopping Into Shorter Line for Different Country</b></span></p></div></span></div><div style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span><span style="font-size: medium;"><b><br /></b></span></span></div><div style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>Man Yearns for Time When He Can Have Filthy Hands Again</b></span></span></div><div style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span><span style="font-size: medium;"><b><br /></b></span></span></div><div style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span><b><span style="font-size: medium;">Deteriorating U.S. Air Quality & </span><span style="font-size: medium;">Human Rights Sorta Reminds Refugee Seeking Better Life of Country She Escaped</span></b></span></div><div style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><b><br /></b></div><div style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>Child’s Lemonade Stand Secures Pee Pee Pee Loan</b></span></div><div style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><b><span><br /><span style="font-size: medium;">Freak Puppy Mill Accide</span></span><span style="font-size: medium;">nt Results in Goldendoodle Suffocated by Hugs</span></b></div><div style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue"; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><p class="p1" style="font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><b><br /></b></p><p class="p1" style="font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>Hurricane Sally Tired of Being Compared to Older Storms</b></span></p><p class="p1" style="font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><span class="Apple-converted-space"><b><br /></b></span></span></p><p class="p1" style="font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><b>Man’s Kombucha Has Just Enough Alcohol to Make Him Feel Irrationally Confident</b></span></p></div>likoverhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05542306663810299132noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7724131281723624874.post-28221888403813089992016-10-21T02:09:00.003-07:002020-10-01T20:45:50.165-07:00Donald Trump's LEAKED Presidential Concession Speech<h2 style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><i><span style="font-size: large;">This was written and used for a relatively popular podcast.</span></i></h2><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgVHDQR_HuEDpHuOb8lkbgGJayq9hGYv3L0kThFyNFk1stOImr0ExWIYsvR_WnSnExE_15aaQg9qShIG9x0iw5RgiQRuxm-yf_QV48Jm8Iq1coU4mOjVQ_u_NTEyhUINLlQbp9sTsDk06Ez/s1600/donald+trump.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgVHDQR_HuEDpHuOb8lkbgGJayq9hGYv3L0kThFyNFk1stOImr0ExWIYsvR_WnSnExE_15aaQg9qShIG9x0iw5RgiQRuxm-yf_QV48Jm8Iq1coU4mOjVQ_u_NTEyhUINLlQbp9sTsDk06Ez/s400/donald+trump.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
<i>What follows is the purported transcript of Donald Trump's leaked Presidential Concession Speech:</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
Thank you.<br />
<br />
(hold for applause)<br />
<br />
Thank you, my friends.<br />
<br />
(hold for more applause)<br />
<br />
Thank you. Thank you, bigly.<br />
<br />
(hold for hot piece of ass groupies charging the stage so they can be wrangled by security and held on my tour bus)<br />
<br />
I've just called Crooked Hillary to congratulate her on winning this totally rigged presidential election. I would've emailed her my congratulations, but we know what a total disaster she is with that technology. And for the record: when I mark Crooked Hillary's email with a “C”, it doesn't stand for “Confidential”, it stands for “C U Next Tuesday”.<br />
<br />
Crooked Hillary's supporters and campaign staff deserve special congratulations for the tremendous job they did pretending like she doesn't have serious medical issues.<br />
<br />
And congratulations to Hillary's husband, Bill Clinton, who gets to resume “vetting” White House interns. Folks, he's ready to Make America Rape Again.<br />
<br />
Congratulations to Hillary's wardrobe stylist for single-handedly keeping Chico's & Talbots in business. If you're unfamiliar, Chico's and Talbots are chain stores that cater to “mature” women. “Mature” is code for the type of women who only come forward with sexual assault allegations when they're decades past their prime. Just sayin'.<br />
<br />
Folks, this is a time of tremendous challenges for America, and I pray to Trump that someone stops Crooked Hillary's 30 year streak of making America not so great. I don't know who could do it, maybe the 2nd amendment people?<br />
<br />
I want to thank Mike Pence, my running mate. Aside from my inevitable next wife, Mike is the best choice I've ever made. And trust me, I've made a lot of great choices. Fantastic choices, really.<br />
<br />
I want to thank Melania—who according to our marriage license, is the love of my life at the moment. Can you believe she's only 46?! We all know a woman's expiration date is the day she turns 50, which is why I've been chanting “Four More Years!” Four more years until she's decommissioned as my wife and shipped back to Slovenia. Don't worry, she doesn't understand a word I'm saying right now. Melania would have been a wonderful first lady, but she'll have to settle for being a wonderful third wife.<br />
<br />
I'd like to thank my former campaign manager, Corey Lewandowski. Corey was the battery that kept the campaign running--as in “assault and battery”. Man, does that guy know how to punch a protester! He's got a bright career ahead of him. I've recommended him to my good friend Don King.<br />
<br />
I want to thank my sons: Eric, and Donald Jr., and also the really young one. What's his name again? Anyways, Eric and Donald Jr. really stuck out their necks for me, which showed what they're made of. It also showed what their jawlines are made of: nothing.<br />
<br />
Thank you to my daughters, Ivanka and Tiffany. Despite what people say, I have zero sexual interest in either of you. Because that'd be illegal. And I respect the law as much as I respect women.<br />
<br />
I'd like to thank Governor Chris Christie for always having my back—which is a great back by the way--believe me, my doctor says so. Any disagreements Governor Christie and I had during the primary was just water under the bridge he'd closed illegally.<br />
<br />
I'd like to thank former New York City Mayor Rudy Giuliani. I've heard people say that Rudy Giuliani shows the symptoms of suffering from a stroke, and they're right—a stroke of genius for supporting Donald Trump.<br />
<br />
Thank you to Paul Ryan, Reince Preibus, and the entire Republican party. I couldn't have done “it” without you. And when I say “it”, I mean lose this rigged election to Crooked Hillary.<br />
<br />
And thanks to everyone here and across the country who supported our campaign, even though it meant enduring constant ridicule from total pussies. I hope you grabbed those pussies by the pussy and showed 'em not to screw with you.<br />
<br />
Let's face it folks, America is a total disaster right now. Americans are using their phones to catch imaginary monsters, when they should be using their phones to call INS and catch the real monsters—foreigners.<br />
<br />
We're getting killed in trade by the Chinese, and we're getting killed in math and science by the Chinese-American immigrants in our very own schools. Sad!<br />
<br />
Jobs are leaving the country faster than ever. Just a few weeks ago a job left NBC's Today Show. Which proves that no one is safe, not even the Bush family.<br />
<br />
I had the best plan to lead this country, but unfortunately the people rigging this election have spoken, and I will not be the person to Make American Great Again. Your loss!<br />
<br />
In closing, you're welcome, everyone! For the endless hours I worked to Make Politics Entertaining Again. And may Trump bless America. I am the best. You're welcome. You're really tremendously welcome.<br />
<br />
And follow @realDonaldTrump on Twitter for a live-tweet of Crooked Hillary's entire presidential term.likoverhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05542306663810299132noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7724131281723624874.post-71210490995829187082016-07-26T13:55:00.000-07:002016-07-26T14:01:28.494-07:00Jokes for the Republican & Democratic National Conventions<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgxDMmHM37laYRRkOzFqKeAwDa1aipW1qnTH_eF-CC9MsOeya07o-F-xX1W_puHYgZHQw3FIZoT_GhEdFPFFFu7e1Lhnmt6D4bLOwwY0_1EKJRTBZEhJUhQi_JT_Km2n5xaY3jB-xCYFSYm/s1600/Donkey-Elephant.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="230" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgxDMmHM37laYRRkOzFqKeAwDa1aipW1qnTH_eF-CC9MsOeya07o-F-xX1W_puHYgZHQw3FIZoT_GhEdFPFFFu7e1Lhnmt6D4bLOwwY0_1EKJRTBZEhJUhQi_JT_Km2n5xaY3jB-xCYFSYm/s320/Donkey-Elephant.png" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 14px;"><b>Last month I was asked to submit jokes for a "confidential political special" about the Democratic & Republican National Conventions. Here's what I came up with (WARNING: MANY--ARGUABLY, ALL--OF THESE ARE REALLY, REALLY DUMB):</b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 14px;"><br />
</span> <span style="font-family: "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 14px;">I’m here in Philadelphia, where Hillary Clinton is the first woman in American history to serve as a major party candidate for President. Or as historians are calling it, she's broken the pantsuit barrier.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 14px;"><br />
</span></span> <span style="font-family: "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 14px;">It's nice to see Donald Trump show his support for the host city by painting his face the same color as a Cleveland Browns football helmet.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 14px;"><br />
</span></span> <span style="font-family: "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 14px;">Look at all of these protesters. I wonder how many of them had to take the day off from unemployment.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 14px;"><br />
</span></span> <span style="font-family: "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 14px;">“As a member of the Westboro Baptist Church, you've protested funerals for military officers, homosexuals, and celebrities. But is this the first time you've protested the funeral of an entire political party?”</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 14px;"><br />
</span></span> <span style="font-family: "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 14px;">The Democratic Convention is being covered by 20,000 credentialed media members from around the world and broadcast by all major television networks in the United States. There's more slime balls being filmed here than the last Ghostbusters movie.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 14px;"><br />
</span></span> <span style="font-family: "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 14px;">The only thing at this convention less secure than Hillary Clinton's emails is Bill Clinton's pant zipper.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 14px;"><br />
</span></span> <span style="font-family: "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 14px;">The last time Philadelphia held the Democratic Convention was in 1948, which is also the last time Bernie Sanders held a hairbrush.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 14px;"><br />
</span></span> <span style="font-family: "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 14px;">Jeb Bush has decided to skip the convention because he's trying to distance himself from anything that might be too popular.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 14px;"><br />
</span></span> <span style="font-family: "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 14px;">Donald Trump is the first major party nominee since 1940 who hasn’t held political office or a military rank. Of course it's hard for Trump to hold anything because of his tiny hands.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 14px;"><br />
</span></span> <span style="font-family: "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 14px;">Only 18 of the nearly 2500 delegates at the Republican National Convention are black. And of all 50,000 convention attendees, only 1 is orange.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 14px;"><br />
</span></span> <span style="font-family: "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 14px;">All of Philadelphia's 6,000 hotel rooms are booked for the Democratic National Convention. Though there's still space for young, attractive women to crash in the Bill Clinton suite.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 14px;"><br />
</span></span> <span style="font-family: "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 14px;">Bernie Sanders is at the Democratic convention in an attempt to flip superdelegates. Which will be tough, because he doesn't even look strong enough to flip an Olsen twin.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 14px;"><br />
</span></span> <span style="font-family: "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 14px;">The Republican National Convention is tasked with approving a platform to guide the party, and making sure the platform doesn't shatter under the weight of Chris Christie.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 14px;"><br />
</span></span> <span style="font-family: "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 14px;">It's only the first day of the convention and Bill Clinton has already been caught staring at the cleavage on the Liberty Bell.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 14px;"><br />
</span></span> <span style="font-family: "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 14px;">Media outlets have reported that Donald Trump had a tough time deciding whether to choose his daughter as his running mate or his life mate.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 14px;"><br />
</span></span> <span style="font-family: "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 14px;">“Would you say the Democratic candidate nominating process is unfairly rigged? Or is it just fairly rigged?”</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 14px;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-family: helvetica, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;">"Why did you volunteer for the National Convention? Was it because you wanted to help showcase your city and provide a positive experience for guests? Or because you wanted a new crappy shirt to wear while cleaning your kitchen?”</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 14px;"><br />
</span></span> <span style="font-family: "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 14px;">“How do you expect Bernie to push Hillary left when he can't even push his hair left with a comb?”</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 14px;"><br />
</span></span> <span style="font-family: "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 14px;">Chris Christie is expected to have a prime speaking role at the convention. He’s also expected to have a prime rib.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 14px;"><br />
</span></span> <span style="font-family: "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 14px;">Here's a group of protesters called 'Stand Together Against Trump'. And after the convention they'll be reuniting to 'Stand Together in the Unemployment Line'.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 14px;"><br />
</span></span> <span style="font-family: "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 14px;">“How'd you receive the details for this convention gala? Did Hillary send you a confidential invite from her hotmail account?"</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 14px;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-family: "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 14px;">The Democratic convention will host 6,000 delegates and alternates representing 50 states, the District of Columbia, six U.S. territories, and most corporate interests.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 14px;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-family: "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: helvetica, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;">There are over 10,000 volunteers for the Democratic National Convention in Philadelphia. Jobs range from managing phones, delivering boxes, transporting attendees, assisting the press, and taking harassment from Bernie bros.</span></span></div>
<div>
</div>
likoverhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05542306663810299132noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7724131281723624874.post-83927649535054353722016-03-20T09:57:00.000-07:002016-03-20T09:57:26.664-07:00Topical Monologue Jokes That Busted Your BracketA video has surfaced of a man urinating onto a factory assembly line for Kellogg's cereal. Which explains why the new slogan for Rice Krispies is "Snap, Crackle, & Flush".<br />
<br />
Chipotle is offering free burritos in an effort to combat the appearance of empty stores. The offer is also expected to help combat the appearance of empty hospital beds.<br />
<br />
North Korea's supreme court has sentenced an American student to 15 years of hard labor. But on the bright side, the student hasn't even graduated college yet and he's already found a job.<br />
<br />
After five seasons, CBS has cancelled its crime drama "Person of Interest". It's being replaced by the new crime drama "Person of Hopefully More Interest".<br />
<br />
Uber has announced that it will now make one-way trips from the US to Mexico. They're calling the new service Uber Trump.likoverhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05542306663810299132noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7724131281723624874.post-23018062986963274302016-01-04T11:11:00.002-08:002016-01-04T11:31:23.230-08:00Topical Monologue Jokes Rejected By Important PeopleRecently had the opportunity to submit jokes for important people, though these didn't make the cut.<br />
<br />
<p style=" margin: 12px auto 6px auto; font-family: Helvetica,Arial,Sans-serif; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; font-size: 14px; line-height: normal; font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; -x-system-font: none; display: block;"><a title="View Topical Monologue Joke Submission on Scribd" href="https://www.scribd.com/doc/294592737/Topical-Monologue-Joke-Submission" style="text-decoration: underline;" >Topical Monologue Joke Submission</a></p><iframe class="scribd_iframe_embed" src="https://www.scribd.com/embeds/294592737/content?start_page=1&view_mode=scroll&show_recommendations=true" data-auto-height="false" data-aspect-ratio="undefined" scrolling="no" id="doc_45419" width="100%" height="600" frameborder="0"></iframe>likoverhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05542306663810299132noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7724131281723624874.post-78247120815042956872015-10-15T14:00:00.001-07:002015-10-15T14:26:40.379-07:0011 ways to be an effective Couchsurfing event organizer<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text Indent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text Indent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Block Text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Hyperlink"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="FollowedHyperlink"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="22" QFormat="true" Name="Strong"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="20" QFormat="true" Name="Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Document Map"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Plain Text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="E-mail Signature"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Top of Form"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Bottom of Form"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Normal (Web)"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Acronym"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Address"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Cite"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Code"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Definition"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Keyboard"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Preformatted"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Sample"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Typewriter"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Variable"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Normal Table"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="annotation subject"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="No List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Outline List 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Outline List 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Outline List 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Simple 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Simple 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Simple 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Classic 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Classic 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Classic 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Classic 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Colorful 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Colorful 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Colorful 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Columns 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Columns 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Columns 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Columns 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Columns 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 7"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 8"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 7"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 8"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table 3D effects 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table 3D effects 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table 3D effects 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Contemporary"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Elegant"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Professional"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Subtle 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Subtle 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Web 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Web 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Web 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Balloon Text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="Table Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Theme"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" Name="Placeholder Text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="1" QFormat="true" Name="No Spacing"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" Name="Revision"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="34" QFormat="true"
Name="List Paragraph"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="29" QFormat="true" Name="Quote"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="30" QFormat="true"
Name="Intense Quote"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="19" QFormat="true"
Name="Subtle Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="21" QFormat="true"
Name="Intense Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="31" QFormat="true"
Name="Subtle Reference"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="32" QFormat="true"
Name="Intense Reference"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="33" QFormat="true" Name="Book Title"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="37" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="Bibliography"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" QFormat="true" Name="TOC Heading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="41" Name="Plain Table 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="42" Name="Plain Table 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="43" Name="Plain Table 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="44" Name="Plain Table 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="45" Name="Plain Table 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="40" Name="Grid Table Light"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46" Name="Grid Table 1 Light"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51" Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52" Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46" Name="List Table 1 Light"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="List Table 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="List Table 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="List Table 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="List Table 5 Dark"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51" Name="List Table 6 Colorful"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52" Name="List Table 7 Colorful"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="List Table 1 Light Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="List Table 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="List Table 3 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="List Table 4 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="List Table 5 Dark Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="List Table 6 Colorful Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="List Table 7 Colorful Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="List Table 1 Light Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="List Table 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="List Table 3 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="List Table 4 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="List Table 5 Dark Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="List Table 6 Colorful Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="List Table 7 Colorful Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="List Table 1 Light Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="List Table 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="List Table 3 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="List Table 4 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="List Table 5 Dark Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="List Table 6 Colorful Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="List Table 7 Colorful Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="List Table 1 Light Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="List Table 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="List Table 3 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="List Table 4 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="List Table 5 Dark Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="List Table 6 Colorful Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="List Table 7 Colorful Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="List Table 1 Light Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="List Table 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="List Table 3 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="List Table 4 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="List Table 5 Dark Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="List Table 6 Colorful Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="List Table 7 Colorful Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="List Table 1 Light Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="List Table 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="List Table 3 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="List Table 4 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="List Table 5 Dark Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
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<span style="font-size: small;">Learn from my triumphs and mistakes as a seasoned
<a href="http://www.couchsurfing.com/" target="_blank">Couchsurfing</a> event organizer in Santa Monica, California. The tips below will help empower you to organize
your own successful Couchsurfing events. </span></h3>
<ol>
<li><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Be proactive</b> – Visit
your chosen venue one week before your event (preferably the same
day/time as your event) to see if the location is appropriate for your group.
Introduce yourself to the manager to discuss your needs/expectations. Even if
it’s a place you’ve visited many times, contact the venue to confirm that it’ll
be open and can accommodate your group. Reserve a space if possible.</li>
<li><b>Be specific</b> – Include
helpful information on your event page such as: how to access your event with
public transportation, an address/map/contact information for the venue, a
description of the meeting area, any age restrictions, dress code regulations, and
parking information. </li>
<li><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Be inclusive</b> – A Couchsurfing
event should be open to all members regardless of race, creed, color, age,
sexual orientation, etc. I’ve heard stories of some events that attempt to “gender
balance”, the purposeful exclusion of people based on their sex. Couchsurfing
isn’t a speed dating website, so if you’re worried about your event being a “sausage
party”, sign up for Match.com instead. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></li>
<li><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Be transparent – </b>Manage
expectations of event attendees by disclosing their obligations, financial or
otherwise, for the event. Withholding pertinent information from your attendees
is a deceitful practice that will only harm your reputation amongst CSers.</li>
<li><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Be promotional</b> –
You’ve chosen your event space and created a Couchsurfing event page, but now
you need to let the CS community know about it. Create a post in the “Find
Discussions” section of the CS site with a short description of your event and
a link to the event page. Search the discussion board for travelers who’ve
posted about being in your town and are looking for something to do. Find
profiles of active CS hosts/members in your city and invite them and their surfers. Post an
event link in your area’s CS page on Facebook.</li>
<li><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Be punctual</b> –
Arrive 15 minutes before the listed start time of your event. If you don’t
have a space reserved, ask an employee if there’s an area your group can commandeer.
Let the employee know you’ll have folks looking for the group when they arrive;
ask if it’s possible to have people directed to your area.</li>
<li><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Be welcoming</b> –
Greet each attendee with a smile and a handshake, or even a hug. First impressions count. It’s easy to
talk and mingle with the people you already know, but remember that some people
at your event may not know anyone or even the native language. Introduce new attendees to the ones you might already know. </li>
<li><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Be vigilant – </b>Keep
an eye open for wandering people who appear lost – they’re most likely event
attendees looking for the group. Watch for people who you feel are making
others uncomfortable and for attendees in distress; you’re the event leader, so
don’t be afraid to interrupt a conversation to ask if everything is ok.</li>
<li><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Be available – </b>Monitor
the comments section of your event page so you can respond to any questions
from attendees or prospective attendees. On the night of your event, regularly check
your phone for messages, emails, and calls from event attendees who might be trying
to locate your group. </li>
<li><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Be patient – </b>This
has been the toughest part for me, but try to remember that many attendees aren’t
familiar with your city’s geography, culture, customs, and language; this means
that you’ll be inevitably asked many of the same questions and sent many of the
same messages. People will complain no matter what (it’s human nature), but
over time you’ll develop thicker skin. And the bonds and connections you
develop with fellow CSers will make it all worthwhile. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></li>
<li><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Be persistent – </b>Don’t
get discouraged if your event doesn’t happen as you’d envisioned. There are
many factors involved with organizing an event, most of which are completely
out of your control. But ruminate on the things within your control and ask
yourself how you’d do it differently next time. A 25-50% attendance rate from
the RSVP list is the norm – anything above 50% percent is exceptional, but
anything below 25% and you’ll want to revisit your planning process.</li>
</ol>
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If you’ve read this far, congratulations! Please feel free to leave your own CS organizing advice and experiences below in the comments section.</div>
likoverhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05542306663810299132noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7724131281723624874.post-60144195326779088952015-07-28T01:34:00.000-07:002015-07-28T01:46:09.684-07:00Two Week Vegan Challenge - Days 3 to 9<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<br />
Ten days into the Two Week Vegan Challenge and I'm not dead yet.<br />
<br />
Apologies for over a week of radio silence -- unless you're annoyed by my self-serving exploit, in which case, you're welcome? <br />
<br />
A few days into the challenge, my brother asked how I was feeling, to which I replied, "There's no way a slaughtered cow feels worse than I do right now." But after the initial 48 hours I've felt mostly ok.<br />
<br />
Also, I should note that I've already received more
invitations to get vegan lunch/dinner than I have regular lunch/dinner throughout all of 2015. Maybe it's just part of the vegan recruitment effort, but the sentiment is nice.<br />
<br />
Eating food is no longer something I give much thought to; it's more of an emotionless process now. Before this vegan challenge, my mind would often ponder how, when, where, and what my next meal would be. I freely admit that untethering myself from these thoughts feels liberating, as I can focus my time and energy elsewhere. (Like on writing things that sound even more douchey than that last sentence.)<br />
<br />
Most mornings I've had almond milk and vegan cereal for breakfast. The consistency and flavor is close to what I'm used to, and I could actually see myself continuing to include these things in my post-vegan diet. That's right, soon I'll be self-identifying as "post-vegan", which I hope takes the country by storm and lands me my own crappy reality show.<br />
<br />
<b>Monday, Day 3</b><br />
I'm convinced that staying busy at work will be a blessing because I'll be too busy to remember that I'm depriving myself of regular food. By cruel coincidence, I've chosen not to eat animal byproducts during
the same week I'm tasked with staring at mouthwatering sausage recipes/pictures
for hours on end at work. It's part of a website launch for a client that specializes in -- you guessed it -- sausage products! I get it, God -- you're a first rate novelist, but maybe you could dial it back every once in a while?<br />
<br />
A late night at work and I didn't bring dinner. So I've convinced a coworker to order from Green Peas, a local joint with a reputation for tasty regular food and vegan options. I opt for a vegetable quesadilla. In hindsight, it seems strange to have ordered a dish that basically has the Spanish word for cheese, "queso", in its title. Of course we all know that "dilla" is the Spanish word for "delicious". If cheese is the mortar that binds together Mexican food, guacamole is the layer of paint that hides all blemishes. And boy did I smother that quesadilla in guacamole. It was my first run in with the impostor vegan cheese, which was decent, but a world apart from the real deal.<br />
<br />
<b>Tuesday, Day 4</b><br />
I've stumbled upon PETA's <a href="http://www.peta.org/living/food/top-accidentally-vegan-foods/" target="_blank">"Top 20 Accidentally Vegan Foods"</a>, a list of junk food that's technically approved for me to eat. This is a huge loophole, and a sight for sore stomach. So now I'm loading my shopping cart with items like BBQ Pringles, Airheads, Wheat Thins, Sour Patch Kids, and more. After showing friends this list, they'd remark that I could be the first person on a vegan diet <i>to gain</i> weight.<br />
<br />
<b>Wednesday, Day 5 and Thursday, Day 6</b><br />
I don't really remember any significant Vegan-related events happening. The lack of protein may be causing my body to consume my brain. But I've noticed that all I've done with friends is talk about my vegan experiment, and in this way I'm only furthering the stereotype.<br />
<b><br /></b>
<b>Friday, Day 7 - The Challenge Within the Challenge</b><br />
I've grown so tired of saying the word "vegan" that I've challenged myself to go a full day without uttering it. This challenge was nearly a success until about 10pm, after I'd imbibed some whiskey and the forbidden word came barreling out of my mouth.<br />
<br />
<b>Saturday, Day 8 </b><br />
A very late night out and I realize there's no satisfying or convenient
late-night vegan option to soak up the booze. So I'm in my kitchen at
5am slicing a red pepper and dipping it into hummus. Later this morning I wake up amazed that my fingers weren't victim of a drunken knife accident.<br />
<br />
I take a nighttime trip to the Getty Center with some friends. For being an art museum and a place you'd think would cater to progressive types, the cafe lacked any decent vegan options. Aside from fruit, the next best/only other option is a $7 pita/hummus combo. <br />
<br />
<b>Sunday, Day 9</b><br />
I'm perched atop a bench on the back patio of Big Dean's Oceanfront Cafe, watching friends binge on beer and fried food that I can't touch. This is one of my favorite places in L.A., but seeing as they don't serve liquor, it's a completely different experience as a vegan. There's basically nothing on the menu I can eat/drink.<br />
<br />
Later I meet friends for dinner at a Mexican restaurant in Playa del Rey. Based on the menu, all I can do is cobble together a meal of side items: tortillas filled with zucchini, lettuce, jalapenos, and guacamole. We think the zucchini was probably prepared with butter or something non-vegan, but I'm not about to run into the kitchen to find out.<br />
<br />likoverhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05542306663810299132noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7724131281723624874.post-46372945506968167602015-07-21T00:36:00.000-07:002015-07-21T01:11:24.381-07:00The Two Week Vegan Challenge - Day 2<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhX9CjpvPBgFcUe8Z2lpo6xagj7wPWYcw3qt5rnDNivMP5pDa7HXhc5bQaf4qh8bWPrsyTIx4zHgd-43PYLwjbixPmhD4Bg4wLteMJO278O0h8Yx011fr7DB4ExnlXTOL0LhV_WKSNG0YY7/s1600/smugalert.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="250" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhX9CjpvPBgFcUe8Z2lpo6xagj7wPWYcw3qt5rnDNivMP5pDa7HXhc5bQaf4qh8bWPrsyTIx4zHgd-43PYLwjbixPmhD4Bg4wLteMJO278O0h8Yx011fr7DB4ExnlXTOL0LhV_WKSNG0YY7/s400/smugalert.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
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9:00AM - I'm groggy and feel light-headed. Not sure if it's the lack of dead animal matter in my GI tract or the lack of sleep caused by the nasally, drunken drone of my neighbors impersonating the Real Housewives at 3AM. For six hours I've been semi-conscious and cycling between the same four websites. I didn't eat much yesterday and my appetite is still stuck in neutral. I've been spending less time than usual thinking about and obsessing over food. I'm eating a bowl of organic strawberries that have unfortunately tipped from being ripe to slightly beyond ripe. The only difference I've noticed between regular strawberries and organic strawberries is the extra $2. Seems like a smug tax. <br />
<br />
10:30AM - I've returned home after buying a brand new, used $50 bike on Craigslist because my $70 bike was publicly sabotaged last week. Plenty of perks of living in Santa Monica, but one detriment is that bikes here are about as safe as a comb running through Donald Trump's "hair".<br />
<br />
The thought of having a warm meal spurs a momentary interest in food, so I heat up a can of Amy's Hearty Organic Soups (Spanish Rice & Red Beans) on the stove top before the hunger urge passes. (And don't think I lack the self-awareness to realize how much this makes me sound like a privileged asshole.)<br />
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The simplicity of the preparation and ingredients is appealing. How bad could a can of rice/beans be? The answer: not so bad, but I'd guess the taste/quality is just a half-step above an <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Meal,_Ready-to-Eat" target="_blank">MRE</a>.<br />
<br />
1:00PM - I take my brand new, used bike for a spin through the sun-soaked streets of Santa Monica. (I know, I know -- forced alliteration is the worst!) A workout at the <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Santa_Monica_Stairs" target="_blank">Santa Monica Stairs</a> is my mission, which I hope serves the dual purpose of getting exercise and keeping myself too busy to realize how much I miss actual food.<br />
<br />
An episode of "Pep Talks", a podcast hosted by inimitable comedian <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Trx6imNU6-o" target="_blank">Eddie Pepitone</a>, is crackling in my piece-of-shit earbuds. Eddie, the "Bitter Buddha", is the best. I must look like a maniac riding my bike while laughing to myself, until I remember this is a common sighting on the westside of L.A.<br />
<br />
1:20PM - A vegan-themed food truck parked along Ocean Avenue grabs my attention. I mentally bookmark it as a place to return to for a post-workout reward.<br />
<br />
1:30PM - I see a shirtless man at the stairs whose body looks like a toy action figure, and all I can think is <i>"Not recommended for women over 19, mentally." </i>But I digress.<br />
<br />
2:20PM - I return to the vegan food truck and idle past, slowly enough to read the menu and realize none of this shit sounds satisfying after a workout.<br />
<br />
2:25PM - Coincidentally, my earbuds are transmitting the sound of Eddie Pepitone talking with his podcast guest about his vegan ways.<br />
<br />
2:45PM - I stop by Whole Foods to post-workout reward myself with some vegan snacks. $21 later, I exit with a bag of trail mix, guacamole, peanut butter/chocolate chip cookies, and a soda.<br />
<br />
3:00PM - Yesterday's leftover balsa-wood-based tasting crackers are a tolerable device for delivering guacamole to my mouth hole. The vegan version of the sesame sticks in the trail mix, which I'd looked forward to the most, taste sad and stale. The peanut butter and chocolate chip cookies are passable as real cookies, but they also bear a hint of joyless nutrition.<br />
<br />
Most of the vegan food I've tried so far is just a more bland, less satisfying version of the food it's attempting to imitate. It lacks a certain richness I associate with regular foods. Everything tastes dried out.<br />
<br />
Vegan food is the tribute band version of regular food: I might be fooled into
believing I was experiencing the real thing if I were wearing a
blindfold. Regular food is like <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FjohnEnCJ6I" target="_blank">Stone Temple Pilots fronted by Scott Weiland</a>: marred by a toxic chemistry that leads to disaster, but responsible for a fuckin' enjoyable product nonetheless. Vegan food is like <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=br-lDmOISJ8" target="_blank">Stone Temple Pilots fronted by the Linkin Park guy</a>, which is a limp and unpalatable imitation.<br />
<br />
5:00PM - I've awoken from a longish nap, again, probably brought on by some combination of lack of sleep and nutrition. I make some pasta with alfredo sauce, which is decent at best. But then again, red pepper flakes make pretty much any food bearable; they're like the Tom Hanks of the spice rack.<br />
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8:00PM - I drive to meet a friend and we down some vodkas with sodas. She's incredulous that most beer/wine ain't vegan approved. I launch into a bit about Santa Monica's Vegan Oktoberfest, which I say is the perfect place for anyone who wants to get drunk and then preached to for hours on end.<br />
<br />
12:15AM - Ralph's is mostly vacant, so I don't feel as self-conscious flipping over boxes of crackers in a search for the vegan stamp of approval. I buy some breakfast items for the next day (Almond milk and cereal) and a few more items that have escaped my memory at the moment. Probably for lack of protein in my brain.likoverhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05542306663810299132noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7724131281723624874.post-37078462971412689192015-07-19T08:55:00.002-07:002015-07-19T08:56:20.317-07:00The Two Week Vegan Challenge - Day 1<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjsIItyJ2NApjK9_w56alRIAFmpvIFbB5dzvSExhg6QEAYuC_nWm-mR_HUKlC8FvQx5JJYa6StAm8-gnMVrHbtLjhh-4kc4eTxaTI5UKcL9U0DEOkD_4VCASkkdH_fr6h7C0YoyclldOK4x/s1600/vegan-veggies-forks-header.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="170" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjsIItyJ2NApjK9_w56alRIAFmpvIFbB5dzvSExhg6QEAYuC_nWm-mR_HUKlC8FvQx5JJYa6StAm8-gnMVrHbtLjhh-4kc4eTxaTI5UKcL9U0DEOkD_4VCASkkdH_fr6h7C0YoyclldOK4x/s400/vegan-veggies-forks-header.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
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12:05AM - Well, I'm an entire five minutes into the challenge and so far I haven't had a single craving for pizza, carne asada, or buffalo wings. This vegan thing is going to be easier than I thought.<br />
<br />
7:30AM - Didn't sleep well or much. My body must be confused by 7.5 hours of no delicious animal products. Not eating breakfast because I don't feel hungry. Also, if you can't have chorizo breakfast burritos, what the fuck do vegans eat in the morning? Need to research this.<br />
<br />
8:05AM - My friend has picked me up for a hike.<br />
<br />
8:20AM - He's listened to me ramble about my new diet for the entirety of the drive. Guess this makes me an official vegan.<br />
<br />
9:00AM - Started hiking with a group of friends and the first order of business is making plans to get lunch at a vegan-friendly restaurant when we've finished. Didn't take long for me to become a high-maintenance pain-in-the-ass. <br />
<br />
11:45AM - Scanning the menu at this "vegan-friendly" restaurant and everything sounds delicious, but none of the items are actually vegan. Fortunately one of the others in our group is a long-time vegan, so the group acquiesces to our request to head elsewhere.<br />
<br />
12:00PM - Walked down the road to <a href="http://veggiegrill.com/" target="_blank">Veggie Grill</a>, an all-vegan restaurant. I've ordered a buffalo "chicken" salad; the "chicken" is actually plant-based. It's my first time seeing menu items placed in <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Scare_quotes" target="_blank">scare quotes</a>, which are meant express irony. I'm genuinely concerned that mixing lunch with irony, or any other literary device, will destroy my love for all things buffalo, forever. And that's not hyperbole.<br />
<br />
12:15PM - The buffalo "chicken" salad has arrived and it's "delicious". Kidding. It is actually quite good. The texture and taste are remarkably similar to real buffalo chicken. I'd like to do a blind taste test sometime. Finishing my meal with a vegan chocolate chip and walnut cookie. Good stuff.<br />
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3:30PM - Snacking on some vegan hummus and crackers. If the buffalo "chicken" was plant-based, these "crackers" taste like they're balsa-wood based. Yuck.<br />
<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhSPHlz04d8nBOQXrF-Q0f4SLrrsQO_7k37gEZGZ7HZNRPS2Dq0Mmpnk4YIltN7Rud_cq5SrwISQX-98DwWzVys2az9e83qRBpOWu7H2zi5RRfLS3VcBvgqJaiUMdl-0NsK89av2kpTY11T/s1600/IMG_20150719_083212918.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="225" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhSPHlz04d8nBOQXrF-Q0f4SLrrsQO_7k37gEZGZ7HZNRPS2Dq0Mmpnk4YIltN7Rud_cq5SrwISQX-98DwWzVys2az9e83qRBpOWu7H2zi5RRfLS3VcBvgqJaiUMdl-0NsK89av2kpTY11T/s400/IMG_20150719_083212918.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
<br />
9:00PM - I'm at a comedy show in what feels like the hallway of a college dorm, if the dorm was full of sad, socially awkward men in their thirties. One of the side rooms has a makeshift bar, replete with beer, wine, and spirits. Beer and wine don't typically pass the vegan test, but spirits do! I ask for vodka, but the only mixer is a Monster energy drink. Now I'm frantically Googling "Monster energy drink vegan?". Turns out no Monsters were harmed in the making of the energy drink, so I can mix it with my vodka.<br />
<br />
11:50PM - I wouldn't say I've forgotten to eat dinner, as much as I wasn't interested or hungry. Will give it a shot tomorrow. Until then...<br />
<br />
<br />likoverhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05542306663810299132noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7724131281723624874.post-76381612586227706372015-07-18T19:37:00.002-07:002015-07-18T19:40:29.072-07:00The Two Week Vegan Challenge<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEigl0NJ7Zr_-7H4Gk6BgDudpBpbDi23W70G7fL6gSr2XSt9SfO6NYIMaezzAIM1hlNn_FCDlz2Cbxk23VZKfBtphe_RlWhu4kLzlgYZpfkD2hiwqTzZGHtSMEJ36bNKuEo13EPvrgfj6sK1/s1600/vegan.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="206" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEigl0NJ7Zr_-7H4Gk6BgDudpBpbDi23W70G7fL6gSr2XSt9SfO6NYIMaezzAIM1hlNn_FCDlz2Cbxk23VZKfBtphe_RlWhu4kLzlgYZpfkD2hiwqTzZGHtSMEJ36bNKuEo13EPvrgfj6sK1/s400/vegan.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
<br />
For the next two weeks I'll be giving up all of my favorite foods to eat a strictly vegan diet. This isn't an effort to raise awareness for animal cruelty or to lose weight or to be even more attention-seeking than usual -- I merely want to test my discipline.<br />
<br />
I've always believed that vegans choose their lifestyle not because they like saving animals, but because they like being difficult. And morphing into a stereotypical vegan pain-in-the-ass is my biggest fear. I usually pride myself on eating whatever, whenever, however without making a fuss. For the sake of the challenge, I'm fortunate to live in Santa Monica, which is like the Disneyland of veganism, if Mickey and Minnie Mouse were smug and high-maintenance.<br />
<br />
You can follow along as I keep a running diary of this challenge. And feel free to offer your support, advice, recipes, insults, etc. <br />
<br />
<b>FRIDAY, JULY 17th - THE LAST SUPPER / WHOLE FOODS / STRAWBERRY SHAKE</b><br />
<br />
7:50PM - Just endured a brutal Friday night open mic. Time to walk to Chick fil-A to eat my feelings. Only a few hours until midnight, which is when the challenge officially begins and I turn into a pumpkin. Or a person who only eats pumpkin. Anyhow, need to get in a last bite<br />
<br />
7:55PM - (1) Chick fil-A spicy sandwich and (8) nuggets is what I'd request as my last supper were I on death row. Do you know what vegans on death row typically request as their last meal? Trick question! Vegans have never been on death row because they can only be imprisoned in a metaphorical cell of their own joyless dietary restrictions. I'm eating by myself, which I assume will be a common theme for the next two weeks. <br />
<br />
8:20PM - I've entered a Whole Foods to stockpile vegan food. That's where vegans shop, right? What do vegans eat? God, I should've done more research. The challenge hasn't even started and I'm already the guy scanning the nutrition labels on hummus containers to find one that's vegan approved.<br />
<br />
8:45PM - Well, I just spent $47 on a small bag of groceries that I'm probably going to hate. <br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjvtcdcS_kP-7uBmdzPfLklnJGQtDaaRn4jQPuzX1uGs76v0-2mgAe57zY3k20lRR01zG1ZnDkWV40bCL9NWPlx2DAeLFnvIwooPcHVvlVYznqsdCCNf3ikOzw28u0APYfh6pSwL9gQ_O9b/s1600/IMG_20150717_205651240.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="225" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjvtcdcS_kP-7uBmdzPfLklnJGQtDaaRn4jQPuzX1uGs76v0-2mgAe57zY3k20lRR01zG1ZnDkWV40bCL9NWPlx2DAeLFnvIwooPcHVvlVYznqsdCCNf3ikOzw28u0APYfh6pSwL9gQ_O9b/s400/IMG_20150717_205651240.jpg" width="400" /> </a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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9:05PM - I barely ever get McDonald's milkshakes, but fuck it -- going to take advantage while I still have time. And this Strawberry shake tastes extra good because I know it's going to be at least two weeks before I can indulge again.<br />
<br />
11:59PM - This is like the New Year's Eve countdown, except I'm by myself and dreading tomorrow. Wait nevermind, this is <i>exactly</i> like the New Year's Eve countdown...likoverhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05542306663810299132noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7724131281723624874.post-75268172360047016872015-06-11T01:17:00.002-07:002015-06-11T01:35:34.085-07:00Topical Monologue Jokes Too PC for College Students<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgFrb8-LuaHJ-ngZZXdSWgJJJdEVPGyn77hIlux8K73szSbcuaANq5OBwtCydAgHb5VEl5OsuQWJUT-MLgHmZq7ro6AaijKbQIhQ6fP4pKcK7F5jgjfrfgrV-aXuTsSwDjvmQFXilolTFl_/s1600/tsa.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="271" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgFrb8-LuaHJ-ngZZXdSWgJJJdEVPGyn77hIlux8K73szSbcuaANq5OBwtCydAgHb5VEl5OsuQWJUT-MLgHmZq7ro6AaijKbQIhQ6fP4pKcK7F5jgjfrfgrV-aXuTsSwDjvmQFXilolTFl_/s400/tsa.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
<span style="font-family: Arial;">An undercover operation has revealed
that TSA agents failed to detect fake bombs and weapons 95 percent of
the time. Though they did have a 100 percent success rate in finding
travelers’ genitals.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial;"><br />According to a new survey, the country with the highest percentage
of people confident in their bodies is Mexico. The survey was conducted
by tequila shots.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Arial;">McDonald's has hired President Obama's former press secretary Robert
Gibbs to help fight falling sales. Which explains McDonald's new
marketing push, "Would you like hope and change with that?" </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Arial;">The jockey for Triple Crown winner American Pharaoh says that the way to
pick a winner is to check out its penis. "Duh!" said women. </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Arial;">A Florida man was recently arrested after arguing with his roommate and
using pizza as a weapon. The man says his only regret is that he didn't
swallow the evidence.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Arial;">According to new research, owning cats as a child can put you at risk
for bipolar disorder and schizophrenia. It also puts children at risk of
becoming adults who die alone.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Arial;">A new test can detect every virus you've ever gotten in your life. The test was made by studying Kesha.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Arial;">A film about the history of FIFA bombed at the box office last weekend.
Which is surprising, since most critics gave the film "two thumbs up for
the right price".</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Arial;">Kim Kardashian says that she and Kanye West haven't told anyone the sex
of their baby. While Caitlyn Jenner says the baby should wait to tell
everyone for itself.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Arial;">Senator Lindsay Graham says that since he's not married, if he's elected
president he'll have "rotating First Ladies". He went on to say that
he's also open to that idea even if he's <span style="font-style: italic;">not</span> elected president. </span><br />
<br />likoverhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05542306663810299132noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7724131281723624874.post-48908306060363693422015-06-01T12:01:00.002-07:002015-06-02T09:28:35.283-07:00Topical Monologue Jokes with Less Integrity than FIFA<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhYFKLSgNUMBSMwkqf5cS8DygxB79JMusFaf8YjfG4mlQfpxhBjbr2lKjmHse9RNyBL4EyKvsmugTmfJwlG0RM_AfWDECsiPFujITG_tSBEnUeHiBBmb4ZgNXxwi4oA5tBkUr3R7jus2E0H/s1600/united+airlines.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="223" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhYFKLSgNUMBSMwkqf5cS8DygxB79JMusFaf8YjfG4mlQfpxhBjbr2lKjmHse9RNyBL4EyKvsmugTmfJwlG0RM_AfWDECsiPFujITG_tSBEnUeHiBBmb4ZgNXxwi4oA5tBkUr3R7jus2E0H/s400/united+airlines.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
<span style="font-family: Arial;"> </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial;">United Airlines is facing protests
after refusing to give a Muslim woman an unopened can of Diet Coke over
alleged fears she'd use it as a weapon. United should've known that the
only way to harm someone with soda is to make them drink it until they
have diabetes.<br /><br />Justin Bieber posted on Instagram that he's not
religious. Though he said he does believe in spirits, like whiskey,
vodka, and tequila. </span><span style="font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: Arial;"> </span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: Arial;">Researchers are
using a version of the herpes virus to fight the deadliest form of skin
cancer. </span></span><span style="font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: Arial;">So skin cancer is like people: it loses any interest being with someone after seeing mouth sores.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-family: Arial;"> </span><br />Lamborghini is introducing an SUV called the “Urus”. Which is Italian for “impossibly tiny penis”.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial;"> </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial;">An
elderly couple in Illinois now has 100 grandkids. It's so many
grandkids, they've had to buy a second refrigerator just to fit all of
the pictures. <br /><br />A new study says a healthy diet can protect you
against hearing loss. Which means a poor diet can protect you against
hearing why you should eat kale. <br /><br />The White House photographer
said Michelle Obama is the “Hugger-in-Chief”. Which was the title originally given to Bill Clinton by female interns.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Arial;">The curriculum used by the Duggars to
home school their kids states that semen causes cancer. While the
curriculum used by real teachers states that semen causes too many
Duggars. </span>likoverhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05542306663810299132noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7724131281723624874.post-81013583607761319292015-05-26T21:05:00.000-07:002015-05-26T21:05:08.664-07:005 Topical Monologue Jokes The Rock Would Never Save<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg2bYsdKDvWi3FRVw6-Edvz8Twp_OmwZRh9Zk4CKan47k8Kk0fZkgeZbnu7EA3Qf27l0KvWz3YPQHf_cZJhLzlBLBFO-H8Kwpk7CKWv2-7GhW9wI2g5lGOe75umhZ9jpPZCtWQcpAcg9zTp/s1600/obama+twitter.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="266" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg2bYsdKDvWi3FRVw6-Edvz8Twp_OmwZRh9Zk4CKan47k8Kk0fZkgeZbnu7EA3Qf27l0KvWz3YPQHf_cZJhLzlBLBFO-H8Kwpk7CKWv2-7GhW9wI2g5lGOe75umhZ9jpPZCtWQcpAcg9zTp/s400/obama+twitter.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
<br />
After six years in office, President Obama finally got his own Twitter
account. Obama said he'd love to follow each and every American, but
that's the job of the NSA. <br />
<br />
One of the stars of "Teen Mom 3" is trying to raise money online to
purchase a boob job. It's part of a new crowdfunding site called
"Titstarter".<br />
<br />
The Center for Disease Control and Prevention has released a map that
shows the causes of death that are distinctive to each state. For
instance, the most distinctive cause of death in Florida is "being in Florida".<br />
<br />
New research shows that men who ejaculate 21 times a month can reduce
their risk of prostate cancer by 22%. Though it also increases their
risk by 100% of having to buy more Kleenex.<br />
<br />
During a publicity appearance in Florida, Dr. Oz rushed to help a woman
who had collapsed. Though after a few minutes of tending to her, he was
forced to step away for a commercial break. likoverhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05542306663810299132noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7724131281723624874.post-68873490045350176412015-05-05T16:37:00.000-07:002015-05-05T16:37:10.455-07:00Topical Monologue Jokes That Won't Be Running For President<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjikW-OAFH03b_Ow2pQGx1VwTBv05Vtgz-MFsXxxKIyK3wdeAdg8Bfw4d0TVjWX4LSQjrJbyphIbQMTavTJ1X8osjRkDO_Z73CtIhcMk_92BD1rCECi6eSx_sSqQF8np_rmWL5rxqFTLEIO/s1600/baltimore.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjikW-OAFH03b_Ow2pQGx1VwTBv05Vtgz-MFsXxxKIyK3wdeAdg8Bfw4d0TVjWX4LSQjrJbyphIbQMTavTJ1X8osjRkDO_Z73CtIhcMk_92BD1rCECi6eSx_sSqQF8np_rmWL5rxqFTLEIO/s1600/baltimore.jpg" height="231" width="400" /></a></div>
<br />
Due to protests in Baltimore, a baseball game between the
Orioles and White Sox was closed to the public and played to an empty
stadium. Though that didn't stop protestors outside the stadium from
throwing out the ceremonial first brick.<br />
<br />
The Food and Drug Administration has approved a drug that claims to
reduce double-chin fat in adults. The drug is called "exercise".<br />
<br />
A man pulled from the rubble of a collapsed hotel three days after the
Nepal earthquake drank his own urine to survive. The man says he's lucky
to be alive, and credits being able to stand the taste of urine from years of
drinking Coors Light.<br />
<br />
A new study has revealed how to differentiate between male and female
dinosaur fossils. For instance, scientists know they're male fossils if
they're found near a toilet seat that's been left up. <br />
<br />
People with tattoos are reporting issues with their Apple watch. The
main issue being the watches can't pretend to care about hearing the meaning of their owners' tattoos.<br />
<br />
Scientists believe chins likely developed because humans became more
social. While they say double-chins developed because humans became more
social with drive-thru windows. <br />
<br />
In response to violent protests around Baltimore, the city's mayor
issued a weeklong curfew for citizens. The mayor also threatened that if
Baltimore keeps it up, they won't be allowed to watch Saturday morning
cartoons. <br />
<br />
A baseball stadium hosting an Allergy Awareness Night won't sell
peanut-containing products like Cracker Jacks and M&Ms. They also
won't sell hot dogs, which might contain peanuts and God-knows-what-else. <br />
<br />
Health officials say that a Liberian woman appears to have contracted
Ebola from unprotected sex with a man who survived the virus. But on the
bright side, AIDS is now only the second worst thing you can get from
unprotected sex.<br />
<br />
An Australian "wellness" blogger who built a successful business on
claims she survived terminal cancer has admitted she never had the
disease. Though she has been recently diagnosed with Brian Williams
Syndrome. <br />
<br />
Fans of Kylie Jenner are artificially altering their lips and posting
pictures on social media with the hashtag #KylieJennerChallenge. Though
it still sounds less painful than anyone attempting the hashtag
#BruceJennerChallenge. <br />
<br />
Scientists in London have discovered that one's risk of obesity can be
predicted by urine samples. Their discovery was made inside the urinal
of a Burger King. <br />
<br />
Betty Willis, designer of the iconic "Welcome to Fabulous Las Vegas"
sign, has died. Her remains will be buried in Las Vegas, and stay in Las
Vegas. <br />
<br />likoverhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05542306663810299132noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7724131281723624874.post-30180621305413183172015-04-03T07:11:00.000-07:002015-04-03T07:11:33.690-07:00Topical monologue jokes staying home for Spring Break<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi60J3lUqObY4pnz1gNLcypts1cBn9MotQEpvrt_08Ez7i_dLzoxiSBQILjN-YeTYlp8wgLnFQnMNngHLGuiD_90c1NElRovWBUCCe8N7Vc3T8u0O1N8uiwom1m7fpC4PW37sMUMnzkcade/s1600/uber.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi60J3lUqObY4pnz1gNLcypts1cBn9MotQEpvrt_08Ez7i_dLzoxiSBQILjN-YeTYlp8wgLnFQnMNngHLGuiD_90c1NElRovWBUCCe8N7Vc3T8u0O1N8uiwom1m7fpC4PW37sMUMnzkcade/s1600/uber.jpg" height="266" width="400" /></a></div>
An Uber driver was arrested after breaking into the home of a woman he'd
just dropped off at the airport. The woman became suspicious when she
was given the option to tip the driver 10%, 15%, or "a flatscreen tv".<br />
<br />
Facebook has rolled out a new feature that allows parents to share even
more photos of their children. The feature is called "Facebook". <br />
<br />
This past Wednesday was April Fools' Day. Or as Brian Williams calls it, "amateur hour".<br />
<br />
The Kennedy Institute has unveiled a replica of the U.S. Senate Chamber.
The replica is so accurate that the entire Senate can comfortably fit
inside and pass zero bills.<br />
<br />
Engineers have resolved a glitch that had caused a two year delay to
relaunch the Large Hadron Collider. The glitch was fixed when engineers
hit Control+Alt-Delete. <br />
<br />
Movie mogul Harvey Weinstein has been accused of groping a woman. To be
fair, Weinstein probably just mistook the woman for a Quentin Tarantino
script.<br />
<br />
Blackberry reported $28 million in profits in the fourth quarter of last
year. The announcement was made by their new Chief Financial Officer,
Brian Williams. <br />
<br />
According to a new study, consumption of fruits containing large amounts
of pesticide residue may lower men's sperm counts. Which means now you might start asking, "Is that a banana in your pocket, or are you
just happy to see your sperm?"<br />
<br />
According to a new study, nearly one in five young people suffers from
what's called "exploding head syndrome". The syndrome affects young
people who're told that selfie sticks are banned from Coachella. <br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />likoverhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05542306663810299132noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7724131281723624874.post-10748730341949900602015-03-29T11:46:00.002-07:002015-03-29T11:46:46.654-07:005 Topical Monologue Jokes That Won't Make the Final Four<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjnC4_NAgxb1tJX20YXDdRDf22ivYnfBaRfQW3ZnqnRnwEVSVSFpwT9JKLjBnKFLToz4Asd66ttAh4R88s6p0vHdd-vj48SvP1-75dhQiWNKgux-KF94qOscwN3vSSncApPIKJDfQ_8ox1_/s1600/christina+hendricks.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjnC4_NAgxb1tJX20YXDdRDf22ivYnfBaRfQW3ZnqnRnwEVSVSFpwT9JKLjBnKFLToz4Asd66ttAh4R88s6p0vHdd-vj48SvP1-75dhQiWNKgux-KF94qOscwN3vSSncApPIKJDfQ_8ox1_/s1600/christina+hendricks.jpg" height="320" width="243" /></a></div>
In a new movie directed by Ryan Gosling, Christina Hendricks plays a
woman who loses her face. It marks the first time a woman has had to
say, "Excuse me, but my eyes <span style="font-style: italic;">were</span> up here."<br />
<br />
McDonald's is launching a new line of lifestyle clothing. The line consists entirely of dirty sweatpants.<br />
<br />
Charlie Sheen criticized President Obama for filling out an NCAA bracket
because he says it's a waste of Obama's time. Joe Biden agreed, saying
Obama could've used the time to help him build a pillow fort. <br />
<br />
The Mayor of Chicago is floating the idea of renaming one of the city's
airports after President Obama. He's also considering renaming one of
the city's garbage dumps after Joe Biden.<br />
<br />
Steve Nash has retired from the Los Angeles Lakers after not playing in
one game this entire season. Which means he's also expected to be named
the Lakers' MVP. likoverhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05542306663810299132noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7724131281723624874.post-43948678162770812742015-03-20T15:55:00.001-07:002015-03-20T15:56:26.701-07:005 Signs That L.A.’s Spring Has Sprung<div class="MsoNormal">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
After enduring another Los Angeles winter plagued by the cold,
wind, snow, and ice in the posts by friends on Facebook, I’m happy to report
that springtime has finally arrived in Southern California! Our climate is
famously devoid of any seasonal change, so it can be difficult to discern one
season from the next. But the following context clues signify when L.A.'s spring
has officially sprung:</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgv753th05hpXMu7TCbg3m8WvmoSq5MPme6ULjr6gO_228UmmkDioQeooeIx3-O6RE2vb8mGgCXiIHTSLzaaxTfeiIUBuLiyKSBf8x7O2h8YsSvOtM92J2HL0hLApYTiQC06-D1Q1qNT7Ua/s1600/ugg.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgv753th05hpXMu7TCbg3m8WvmoSq5MPme6ULjr6gO_228UmmkDioQeooeIx3-O6RE2vb8mGgCXiIHTSLzaaxTfeiIUBuLiyKSBf8x7O2h8YsSvOtM92J2HL0hLApYTiQC06-D1Q1qNT7Ua/s1600/ugg.jpg" height="213" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
1. L.A. dogs have shed their winter coats and Ugg boots. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
2. Spectators return to the beaches to watch the annual
migration of tourists-about-to-get-parking-<wbr></wbr>tickets.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
3. Women have traded wearing yoga pants for buoyant,
flower-print dresses draped over their yoga pants.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
4. Dudes remove their knit beanies after leaving the coffee
shop.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
5. Seasonal plants and flowers begin budding and blooming around
the discarded mattresses in your neighborhood.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
likoverhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05542306663810299132noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7724131281723624874.post-43783948957669923802015-03-09T10:44:00.000-07:002015-03-09T10:44:58.064-07:00Topical monologue jokes that should be run over by Suge Knight<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiD9EGh6NUxAiehRirZ__5z7Z0042luNLfgdttE-yokrj4aOyi_bjwT5MLqWqjEBS1S8RL4PrwUJWLuKJWPPIGWgjC3xbltsxBv6k48R46ZSJtuONJoA1tnbEB5MfQ2FkoDq3J0ozlwyWzF/s1600/pauly+shore.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiD9EGh6NUxAiehRirZ__5z7Z0042luNLfgdttE-yokrj4aOyi_bjwT5MLqWqjEBS1S8RL4PrwUJWLuKJWPPIGWgjC3xbltsxBv6k48R46ZSJtuONJoA1tnbEB5MfQ2FkoDq3J0ozlwyWzF/s1600/pauly+shore.jpg" height="243" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
Designers have developed a fabric that makes celebrities appear
invisible to paparazzi. The fabric is made entirely from Pauly Shore's
wardrobe.<br />
<br />
Kanye West tweeted that the title of his new album is "So Help Me God".
West says he came up with the name after overhearing his daughter. <br />
<br />
Researchers in Australia have discovered two new species of peacock
spiders. The discovery was made when one researcher heard another
researcher scream like a little girl.<br />
<br />
Pop star Justin Bieber is begging Seth Rogen to roast him in the upcoming Comedy Central special. Though sources say the only way Rogen would roast Bieber is if he was packed into a bong.<br />
<br />
A new study published about average penis size was based on over 15,000
measurements. The study was conducted by your ex-girlfriend the week
after she dumped you.<br />
<br />
Scientists say newly identified compounds in spider venom could help
treat chronic pain. The way it works is all pain leaves the body after
you've died from a spider bite.<br />
<br />
AOL has produced a new half-hour reality show called “Connected." AOL
says the show will be released exclusively on a cd-rom that you've
thrown in the trash.<br />
<br />
In "Sharknado 3", the Vice President of the United States will be played
by Ann Coulter. And in an event bigger casting stunt, the President of
the United States will be played by Joe Biden.<br />
<br />
A construction worker is suing Michael Bay for getting hurt while
working on his mansion. Though Bay says he gave fair warning that his
home is rated PG-13 for intense sequences of action and violence. <br />
<br />
Canadian
"Star Trek" fans are honoring Leonard Nimoy by sketching Spock on their
five dollar bills. And to honor themselves, "Star Trek" fans are
sketching women who can't run away. <br />
<br />likoverhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05542306663810299132noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7724131281723624874.post-51866840484672032182015-02-28T14:10:00.000-08:002015-02-28T14:10:23.833-08:00Topical Monologue Jokes That Aren't a Colored Dress<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjZ_wNlr4XzGEffyEPhnKXDm9MEseclqAURY8ePBw1Bmhdgx6hbFO8-0k0_xC5e4CPPNIzjGvztNeUHWUjrjyU10eg-dfl8nHTL2G0tMMOKwcDiwS2NanSb7u0tV87wDtAp_Z2aKZHApcpS/s1600/washington-monument.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjZ_wNlr4XzGEffyEPhnKXDm9MEseclqAURY8ePBw1Bmhdgx6hbFO8-0k0_xC5e4CPPNIzjGvztNeUHWUjrjyU10eg-dfl8nHTL2G0tMMOKwcDiwS2NanSb7u0tV87wDtAp_Z2aKZHApcpS/s1600/washington-monument.jpg" height="320" width="241" /></a></div>
<br />
Surveyors measuring the Washington Monument found that the structure is
ten inches smaller than when it was completed in 1884. Which explains
why the monument has been seen driving around town in a new Corvette.<br />
<br />
Earlier this week, Lupita Nyongo's $150,000 Oscar gown was stolen from
her hotel room. Authorities have described the dress as white and
gold, while other authorities described it as blue and black. <br />
<br />
Director James Cameron and his wife will open the country's first
all-vegan elementary school cafeteria. And like a normal school cafeteria, the meatloaf still won't be made with real
meat.<br />
<br />
In Russia, a man who had a drink with a young blonde woman awoke to
discover his testicles had been removed. Authorities have classified the incident as a "marriage". <br />
<br />
Attorney General Eric Holder said the threat of homegrown terror keeps
him up at night. While Joe Biden said he's often kept up at night by the
threat of the boogeyman.<br />
<br />
Google has announced a new policy that will ban pornographic material
from its blogs. So now anyone searching Google for porn will only be
able to find it everywhere else. <br />
<br />
Alaska has become the third state to legalize marijuana. Which means now
the only thing in Alaska longer than the pipeline is the line for
pipes.<br />
<br />
While performing at this week's Brit Awards, Madonna fell several feet
from a riser onto the stage below. Witnesses say the only thing they've
seen dropped quicker was Madonna's British accent.<br />
likoverhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05542306663810299132noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7724131281723624874.post-79563953046661362362015-02-20T16:29:00.001-08:002015-02-20T16:29:05.365-08:007 signs LA is just not that into youHere's a blog I wrote for <a href="http://www.timeout.com/los-angeles/blog/7-signs-la-is-just-not-that-into-you" target="_blank">Timeout LA</a>likoverhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05542306663810299132noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7724131281723624874.post-69499660362405838722015-01-17T12:17:00.002-08:002015-01-20T13:59:44.788-08:00Topical Monologue Jokes<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhbHZHB5uLFp8h_Y_Mam_0g5gGfakePYq8881_lixXyh8PwWsYjf_hjO9KMETRyqa8smXgr4ghajyp-P_7PQkX35Yc6Z87RDxuS5wlQev1h4_3CI0aDo2tS186MjtwZSA3fpsPqf-n6Ru7o/s1600/straight-male-gamers.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhbHZHB5uLFp8h_Y_Mam_0g5gGfakePYq8881_lixXyh8PwWsYjf_hjO9KMETRyqa8smXgr4ghajyp-P_7PQkX35Yc6Z87RDxuS5wlQev1h4_3CI0aDo2tS186MjtwZSA3fpsPqf-n6Ru7o/s1600/straight-male-gamers.jpg" height="180" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
A college in Kentucky says it will make video games an official sport
and start offering scholarships to gamers in the fall. And to maintain their scholarships, all gamers will be required to fail random drug tests.<br />
<br />
Kim Kardashian said it's been more challenging to get pregnant the
second time around because "It's just how God works." "Yeah, it's just
how I work," said Kanye West.<br />
<br />
Two anti-torture
protestors were arrested for trespassing at the home of former Vice
President Dick Cheney. Fortunately for the protestors, they were
interrogated by the police instead of Dick Cheney. <br />
<br />
A new study reveals that most drinking deaths in the US involve middle-aged adults. "Challenge accepted," said college students.<br />
<br />
Scientists have documented a female shark that appears to have stored a
male's sperm for close to four years before laying an egg that grew into
a healthy juvenile. In other words, scientists have discovered that sharks can wait up to four years to
buy the morning after pill.<br />
<br />
The Secret Service demoted four top officials because of security
breaches at the White House, and assigned them to a less crucial post.
Which means now they're in charge of babysitting Joe Biden.<br />
<br />
Darrell Winfield, the original Marlboro Man, died this week at the age
of 85. And you can attend his funeral by redeeming 80,000 Marlboro Miles.<br />
<br />
A judge has set a bond for a Florida woman authorities say enhanced
women's buttocks by illegally injecting them with cement. Even worse,
before the cement dried she wrote her initials on their butts.<br />
<br />
In Arkansas, a woman who owns a gun range has sparked a controversy
after she declared the range a "muslim-free zone." She then backtracked
and said that muslims are welcome to the range, as long as they're ok
with wearing bullseyes.<br />
<br />
Scientists at Drexel University have discovered a rare butterfly with
both male and female traits. They've named the species Bruceius
Jenneris.likoverhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05542306663810299132noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7724131281723624874.post-89587746430055996432014-11-23T15:24:00.001-08:002014-11-23T16:17:08.501-08:00Topical Monologue Jokes That Should Be Deported<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiE6KiwidCJ72mK4TaxmyEhCbI-B-tWpkI3yOIodGqBlQKQkbbMsaI0Y8a3IGtz6KTHu_e1clVzKuRqQ-1L7acwFfIblV2ECKzIjzJpPm887-1SQAMTwDohMUGXWq8DIP58uUCp2q22Y_wy/s1600/octomom.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiE6KiwidCJ72mK4TaxmyEhCbI-B-tWpkI3yOIodGqBlQKQkbbMsaI0Y8a3IGtz6KTHu_e1clVzKuRqQ-1L7acwFfIblV2ECKzIjzJpPm887-1SQAMTwDohMUGXWq8DIP58uUCp2q22Y_wy/s1600/octomom.jpg" height="223" width="400" /></a></div>
<br />
A Great Dane in Pennsylvania has given birth to 19 puppies. "Game on!" said Octomom.<br />
<br />
NBC has cancelled its planned sitcom with Bill Cosby due to allegations of sexual assault against the comedian. Though reports say Cosby is pitching a new show to networks called "My Accusers Say the Darndest Things".<br />
<br />
Facebook is developing a new website that people can use for work. "One step ahead of you," said people already using Facebook at work.<br />
<br />
The Bob Marley estate has created a line of official Bob Marley marijuana that will soon hit the market. Sources say you'll be able to tell you're smoking official Bob Marley marijuana if you were overcharged for regular marijuana.<br />
<br />
According to a new survey, the world's favorite country is Germany. While the world's least favorite country is Germany from 1939.<br />
<br />
Video taken by scientists in the Antarctic shows seals forcing penguins to have sex with them. Even worse, the seals then make the penguins do the waddle of shame.<br />
<br />
According to a new study, women with larger breasts tend to spend more money. More specifically, they tend to spend more of someone else's money.<br />
<br />
U2 is releasing a series of short films inspired by their new album. It's mostly footage of people deleting the album from their iTunes.<br />
<br />
Beyonce's sister Solange got married last weekend. And as you probably guessed, even at her own wedding she was still the bridesmaid.<br />
<br />
Charles Manson has gotten a license to marry a 26-year-old woman who visits him in prison. Though the move has been criticized by those trying to protect the sanctity of murder.<br />
<br />
In the midst of Buffalo, New York's massive snow storm, several men were seen looting from an abandoned Doritos truck. However the only flavor in the truck was waaay too cool ranch.<br />
<br />
The North Korean news agency published photos of Kim Jong Un visiting a food factory. Or as most people call it, a kennel.likoverhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05542306663810299132noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7724131281723624874.post-32161612622869053672014-11-15T10:10:00.000-08:002014-11-15T10:10:49.884-08:00Topical Monologue Jokes That Will Never Land on a Comet<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhOY-nEgkNrgItrbTMCiOptXiiPwtOM7u6aW6unWV_zweY7a_BsPF5sDlP7P773ESg9E_VYo1CtjHWMx223uRbbAjOstLcb12mgPLsoKUidpNU_b1U-6iV933uxrvWO40UQgpgcZH2Q1Va1/s1600/meth.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhOY-nEgkNrgItrbTMCiOptXiiPwtOM7u6aW6unWV_zweY7a_BsPF5sDlP7P773ESg9E_VYo1CtjHWMx223uRbbAjOstLcb12mgPLsoKUidpNU_b1U-6iV933uxrvWO40UQgpgcZH2Q1Va1/s1600/meth.jpg" height="225" width="400" /></a></div>
<br />
A new report claims that Americans are increasingly turning to cheaper, imported Mexican meth. Experts say the only difference with the Mexican meth is that you're supposed to take it with a lime.<br />
<br />
Scientists have discovered that half of Americans may be infected with a virus that makes them more stupid. They say the most common symptom includes an inability to stop watching the E! network.<br />
<br />
As part of an online live stream this week, a French man spent two days looking for a needle in a haystack. The man says his next challenge will be a live stream of him looking for deodorant in France.<br />
<br />
This week Kim Kardashian posed for the cover of a magazine that exposed her bare butt. Khloe Kardashian said she may try the same thing, because if she shows enough crack she might finally find Lamar.<br />
<br />
Bono's luggage fell out of a private jet mid-air when a door fell off during flight. Which explains why the weather forecast was cloudy with a chance of sunglasses.<br />
<br />
Only a week after becoming a media sensation, Alex from Target has been subjected to crude comments and death threats. Though to be fair, he <i>does</i> spend most of his time walking around wearing a giant bullseye.<br />
<br />
On Wednesday, emergency crews rescued two window washers who were trapped on a hanging platform dangling from the 68th floor of the new World Trade Center building. "Bor-ing!" said terrorists.<br />
<br />
Starbucks CEO Howard Schultz honored our military by throwing a concert in Washington DC for Veteran's Day. Though most attendees admitted they were only there to use the bathroom and wifi.<br />
<br />
One Direction, Coldplay, Sinead O'Connor and Bono are recording a song to help in the fight against Ebola. Which means it's now officially ok to root for Ebola to win the fight.<br />
<br />
George W. Bush says that there's a 50-50 chance his brother Jeb will run for president in 2016. And he said if Jeb doesn't run then, there's a 50-50 chance he'd run in 2017.<br />
<br />
In a statement released Monday, President Obama called on the FCC to treat all Internet traffic the same way. Then the FCC called on President Obama to create a website that can actually handle internet traffic.<br />
<br />
Kenneth Bae, one of the two Americans released from a North Korean prison, says he learned a lot during his 2 years of imprisonment. For instance, he learned that the only basketball player better than Dennis Rodman is Kim Jong-un.<br />
<br />
This week during an event with the Asia Pacific Economic Organization, President Obama was chastised for chewing gum. Even more embarrassing, it was Nicorette.<br />
<br />
On Tuesday, Kobe Bryant broke the record for the most missed shots in NBA history. Which is why he's now being referred to as the "Michael Jordan of Missed Shots".likoverhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05542306663810299132noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7724131281723624874.post-50613593749495208392014-11-10T15:16:00.002-08:002014-11-10T15:16:18.199-08:00Topical Monologue Jokes That Won't Pose Topless<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh8kGDuhGQbGDoz8fqjBoi9sdbo6MQWdcwqJcOuFOn6sLeMyd1F7u7KgAq22bpCPyk87LUNtevvhj9mgHryDXtef03eAAYaieNCzrimmZ4s4sRmmmxUeHLzmSYM1LBq1XJA_RBdACkI3AHw/s1600/GoogleGlass_curve-578-80.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh8kGDuhGQbGDoz8fqjBoi9sdbo6MQWdcwqJcOuFOn6sLeMyd1F7u7KgAq22bpCPyk87LUNtevvhj9mgHryDXtef03eAAYaieNCzrimmZ4s4sRmmmxUeHLzmSYM1LBq1XJA_RBdACkI3AHw/s1600/GoogleGlass_curve-578-80.jpg" height="223" width="400" /></a></div>
<br />
A new study reveals that wearing Google Glass may obstruct a person's peripheral vision. In other words, wearing the device would make it hard to see people pointing and laughing at you.<br />
<br />
A former NFL cheerleader has been accused of having sex with a 15 year old boy. Authorities say the boy seems to be ok other than a sore hand from all the high-fives.<br />
<br />
Ringling Bros. and Barnum & Bailey Circus has been found at fault for a hair-hanging stunt that resulted in acrobats injured by a plunge to the ground. Now Ringling Brothers is being referred to as "The Greatest Show Falling on Earth".<br />
<br />
Daredevil Nik Wallenda completed his record-breaking tightrope walk while blindfolded between two Chicago skyscrapers. Though it would've been even more daring if he'd attempted to walk blindfolded through the streets Chicago without getting shot.<br />
<br />
The bus bringing the Washington Redskins to their game last Sunday against the Minnesota Vikings crashed on the way to the stadium. The final score was Washington Redskins 0, Metaphors for the Washington Redskins Franchise 1.<br />
<br />
New York has banned priests from traveling to western African nations because of the threat of transmitting Ebola. Because the virus can be spread through inappropriate contact with children.likoverhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05542306663810299132noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7724131281723624874.post-88689519572469164862014-11-05T12:17:00.000-08:002014-11-05T12:17:21.416-08:00Do you like money?<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhqvKJnji-kRth6vHRElnIk3Gljua9X-ZpX91TMRzhv8P3ej7bBkPpZRBQ4ft3iLrKmtBdLt_khSnSK-deDkr7MVzQxg4YDk1_zUXj0Ot63bROqAsy-4j5lzj2i3U23QWk7lw69oepkJSJt/s1600/date.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhqvKJnji-kRth6vHRElnIk3Gljua9X-ZpX91TMRzhv8P3ej7bBkPpZRBQ4ft3iLrKmtBdLt_khSnSK-deDkr7MVzQxg4YDk1_zUXj0Ot63bROqAsy-4j5lzj2i3U23QWk7lw69oepkJSJt/s1600/date.JPG" height="183" width="320" /></a></div>
<b>Hi Facebook friend,<br /><br />I'm willing to pay YOU up to $135 of my hard-earned bucks.</b><br />
<br />
I'm turning to my social network to help me find romance. This is a chance to set up two of your Facebook friends and make some $$$.<br />
<br />
<u>Here's how it works*:</u><br />
<br />
1. If you know a single, eligible lady who might be a match for me, email matchJordanL@gmail.com with their first name and phone number. I will then contact this person and attempt to set up a first date. If we have a first date, I'll give you $10.<br />
<br />
2. If we have a second date, I'll give you an additional $25.<br />
<br />
3. If we have a third date, I'll give you an additional $100.<br />
<br />
<u>About Your Referral</u><br />
<br />
1. YOU, the referrer, must be a Facebook friend of mine at the date of this posting. Your referral must be a current Facebook friend of yours at the date of this posting. Your referral may NOT be a current or former Facebook friend of mine.<br />
<br />
2. Your referral must live within 15 miles of 90404 zip code. Anything farther is a long distance relationship in LA.<br />
<br />
<u>About Me</u><br />
<br />
1. Gainfully employed full time<br />
<br />
2. Have a fully functioning car and comfortable living situation<br />
<br />
3. No criminal background (except for an incident in college, but it was worth it!)<br />
<br />
It's up to you whether you want to tell the person you're referring
about the details of this experiment. But I promise to protect their
identity and not exploit this in any way. This is just my earnest effort
to try a new avenue.<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: x-small;">*None of this is binding, and I don't have a team of fancy, high-priced lawyers to enforce it,--but I'm a man of my word!</span> <br />
<br />likoverhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05542306663810299132noreply@blogger.com0