Topical jokes just in time for the new year

New research suggests that dragonflies possess a human-like power of concentration. Which means when dragonflies appear to be hunting, they're actually just checking Facebook.

NASA has posted a self-portrait taken by the Curiosity Rover on Mars. Scientists say this means that Mars is capable of supporting human life making the "duck face".

PETA has named Los Angeles “City of the Year” for considering a ban on circuses that make exotic animals perform tricks. Which means E! may have to cancel the Kardashians.

PETA has named Los Angeles "City of the Year". "What's PETA?", asked an LA homeless guy camped in a dog park.

On Christmas Day, Jessica Simpson revealed that she's expecting her second child. Then Santa reminded her that you're not supposed to leave out the cookies for yourself.

On Christmas Day, Jessica Simpson revealed that she's expecting her second child. Then she announced that she's also expecting her sixth cupcake.

Experts say that people can avoid potential nerve damage caused from wearing skinny jeans by considering jeans that stretch. Or as Jessica Simpson calls them, "jeans".

Doctors say ultra-tight skinny jeans might cause nerve damage. Hipsters responded by saying they were into nerve damage before it was cool.

Archeologists have discovered the remains of an ancient temple in Israel that's nearly 3,000 years old. Among the remains were clay figures, sacred vessels, and a yarmulke with the inscription "Larry King's Bar Mitzvah".

An unknown illness has sickened 194 passengers and 11 crew members aboard the luxury cruise ship Queen Mary 2, causing vomiting and diarrhea. Federal health officials haven't pinpointed the cause, but witnesses have reported seeing the ship sail through a Taco Bell drive thru.

This week in jokes - 12/22/2012 edition

It was a tough week to wring comedy from the headlines, given that the news cycle was consumed by the Sandy Hook tragedy. Even Conan O'Brien bypassed a traditional monologue on Monday, admitting that, "I came into work today and the last thing I wanted to do was comb through the newspaper and find something funny."

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/12/18/conan-obrien-addresses-connecticut-sandy-hook-shooting-opening-monologue-video_n_2323073.html

So the quantity of this week's jokes is a little light, but fear not--the quality is still the same low-brow brand of funny you've come to expect from this site! Here goes:

The yacht of Apple founder Steve Jobs has been impounded due to an unpaid bill to its designer. In other words, the designer is the first person in line for Apple's new iOU.

 

Facebook says it's testing a service that will charge users to guarantee that messages they send to people they're not connected to arrive in users' inboxes. Or as everyone else calls it, email.
 

The Iowa Supreme Court ruled on Friday that employers in the state can legally fire workers they find too sexy. Although since it's Iowa, zero people are at risk of being fired.
 

A black Ohio man has settled his federal civil rights lawsuit against a Burger King franchise where he claims a white employee spit on his Whopper Jr. Burger King says that this wasn't a race issue, because all customers' food is spat in equally.

 

In China, Apple sold more than 2 million iPhone 5s just three days after its launch. Even more impressive was how 2 million Chinese waited in one single file line.

 

New York City is home to the new National Museum of Mathematics. Or as Americans call it, a big, scary building without a Starbucks.

New York City is home to the new National Museum of Mathematics. New Yorkers have celebrated the museum the only way they know how: by showing up to take a number two.

The new National Museum of Mathematics has opened in New York City. And by most Americans' math, the museum should expect to make zero dollars.

Ashton Kutcher filed for divorce from actress wife Demi Moore on Friday in Los Angeles, following more than a year of separation. Kutcher, 34, cited irreconcilable differences in age.

A group of Americans has started a petition to deport Piers Morgan over his strong stance on gun control. Although if they want to keep Morgan away from Americans, they should leave him on CNN.



 

 

Topical Jokes - Week of December 16th

New for this week's batch of topical jokes is a writer's commentary in italics. Enjoy!

President Obama will ask for sixty billion dollars to help states recover from Hurricane Sandy. More specifically, he'll ask in Chinese.

 

Joke shortcut for aspiring monologue writers: any premise that references America needing money MUST have a punchline about China! Because they own our debt! The only other option would be a Mitt Romney tag (punchline), because he is rich, but his relevance has faded fast just months after losing the election. Wait, who the hell is Mitt Romney?! See what I mean!

 

Joke difficulty: 1.3 (out of 10)

Joke originality: .4 (out of 100)

Note: the Chinese judge abstained, because he is not amused :(

Sarah Palin’s oldest son Track has filed for divorce. He says he faced irreconcilable differences with his wife, "Field".

 

Track & Field! Get it! Hahahahahahaha! (By the way, I know it seems unlikely from reading this joke, but I DO have a college degree.)

 

 

DVD rental service Redbox is launching a streaming option at $8 a month to compete with Netflix. And since it's Redbox, the movie you really want to stream will be unavailable.

 

DVD rental service Redbox is launching a streaming option at $8 a month to compete with Netflix. And to stream movies on Friday nights, you'll have to wait in a line.

 

DVD rental service Redbox is launching a streaming option at $8 a month to compete with Netflix. And for an extra $2, they'll send a stranger to hover behind you while you make a selection.

 

DVD rental service Redbox is launching a streaming option at $8 a month to compete with Netflix. Redbox customers haven't received the news because they're still waiting in line at Redbox.

 

Have you ever rented from Redbox?? Because if you have, surely you can relate to the punchlines in this batch of hilarious Redbox jokes!!!

Miley Cyrus recently performed at a concert alongside topless strippers. The strippers said they were glad to work for Miley and not Billy Ray, because she has way more singles.

 

Everyone loves some good ol' fashioned wordplay! Wait, they don't? Ok, let's pretend like this joke never happened.

 

 

It's been reported that Beyonce has made a fifty million dollar endorsement deal for Pepsi. It's also been reported that Charlie Sheen has made a $60 dollar deal for coke.

 

Crap. More horrible wordplay! I mean, move along now, nothing to see here.

 

 

A recent investigation discovered that Justin Bieber was the target of a bizarre plot designed to have him killed and castrated. The plot is especially strange because it assumes Bieber has a penis.

 

I know this one is just another tired Bieber/gender joke, but seriously, does he have a penis? I'm sayin' there's a 50/50 chance he doesn't!

 

 

Danny DeVito told "Extra" that he and Rhea Pearlman are trying to work on their marriage. DeVito said he hopes they succeed because he'll never see eye-to-eye with another woman.

 

I only wrote this one because it helped me reach my December quota on horrible "turn of phrase" jokes.

 

 

Nearly four in 10 U.S. residents blame recent natural disasters on "end times". While ten in 10 U.S. residents blame recent date disasters on "Medieval Times".

 

 

 I liked this joke so much that I decided to give it a picture. All jokes should be this lucky.

 

Well, that's it for now. Feel free to post comments below, because comments make the world go 'round!

 

The miracle of Chanukkah (brought to you by Marshalls)

 "...and then the oil that was only supposed to last for one night, lasted for SEVEN." - the $12.99 miracle of Chanukkah, as told in the clearance isle at Marshalls

Week of December 1st

A man who had Mitt Romney's logo tattoed on his face during the presidential campaign has decided to get it removed. However he's still keeping the John McCain tramp stamp.

NBA commissioner David Stern has fined the San Antonio Spurs for not playing enough stars players at a recent game. He said if fans wanted to watch a competition devoid of stars, they'd watch "Dancing with the Stars".

A recent probe by NASA has revealed that there's ice on Mercury. A similar probe by E! Entertainment has revealed there's also Ice all over Coco.

Former President George H.W. Bush has been hospitalized in Houston. Bush knew he was ill after telling his wife to "read his lips" and she said "blue!"

A Los Angeles mall has installed the country's first caviar vending machine. It works like other other vending machines, expect that stuck items are dislodged by a butler.

Scientists have recently discovered that fetuses yawn in the womb. The study was conducted on 8 female and 7 male fetuses tuned into "The X-Factor".

Scientists say an Italian physics professor has captured the first direct photograph of human DNA. Which means scientists haven't seen the Kardashian sextape.

Universal Studios, which holds the rights to "50 Shades of Grey", is suing porn companies for ripping off the book. In response, porn companies are suing Universal for having no sense of irony.

Experts say people had better odds of becoming President than winning last week's jackpot. Except the exact opposite for Mitt Romney.

Week of November 17th

Cesar Milan, star of the hit cable series "The Dog Whisperer", has revealed that two years ago he attempted suicide. He said he reconsidered the attempt after a dog barked him down from the ledge.

Police in Belize are seeking John McAfee, the founder of McAfee anti-virus software, in connection to a murder case. It'll mark the first time that people don't ignore a McAfee pop-up.

Hostess, the maker of Twinkies, has announced that they've been forced to go out of business. Because unfortunately the government only bails out automakers and not diabetes makers.

Blackberry has announced a new model of their smartphone to be released in January 2013. So instead of losing weight, the most popular New Year's resolution will be losing the new Blackberry.

On Thursday, President Obama held a screening of "Lincoln" at the White House. When asked for a review, Joe Biden said he couldn't believe the film totally skipped Lincoln's historic victory over vampires.

A theatre chain will reward movie goers who don't text by giving them a digital coupon to a future movie. Customers are so excited that they can't stop texting the offer to friends during movies.

Guy Fieri said the NY Times writer who wrote the harsh review of his new restaurant came in with "an agenda". And on that agenda was his insurance card and emergency contact.

Paul McCartney barely avoided disaster earlier this year when a helicopter he was in almost crashed. McCartney says a mechanical problem was to blame and totally not Yoko Ono.

This week Lindsay Lohan discovered she has a half-sister. Experts proved the woman is only a half-sister because she drives on the right half of the road.

Jay-Z and Coldplay will perform a concert together on New Year's Eve. Officials say it's quickly become the hottest ticket to ring in the new apocalypse.

Jay-Z and Coldplay will perform a concert together on New Year's Eve. Sources say many special guests are expected to join them including the Mayans.

Steven Sinofsky, a Microsoft executive in charge of the new windows, quit shorty after the software's new release. When asked for comment, Microsoft was frozen.

An investigative report found that Ikea used forced prison labor in the 1980s. Which proves that escaping prison is the only thing more difficult that assembling Ikea furniture.

It's been announced that a play based on the NY Yankees will be produced on Broadway. The play is expected to have Broadway's biggest budget but still be a disappointment.

This year the Postal Service posted a record net loss of $15.9 billion. On the bright side, the Postal Service creditors have been assured that the "check is in the mail".

Pepsi Japan has launched a new line of soda that it claims blocks the body's absorption of fat. Unfortunately for Pepsi, common sense blocks the body's absorption of Pepsi's bullshit.

Astronomers have discovered an "orphan" planet wandering alone without a parent star. They've named the planet "Snooki's baby".

A group of Papa John's customers have filed a class action lawsuit against the pizza corporation for unsolicited text messages. Even worse, is that the texts contained lewd pics of Papa John's pepperoni.

Five Harvard students used a high-priced weather balloon to launch a hamburger into space. The experiment marks the first time a sandwich has gotten higher than a college student.

Week of December 8th

New-mom Snooki has offered pregnancy advice to Kate Middleton. Her advice: "liquor before beer and you're in the clear".

The New York Film Critics Circle voted Matthew McConaughey Best Supporting Actor for his work in "Magic Mike". McConaughey thanked his wife for always being there for him, and then thanked his shirt for never being there for him.

A federal court has upheld a 319-million dollar verdict against Disney over profits from "Who Wants to Be a Millionaire". The verdict was part of another show called "Who Wants to Be a Millionaire By Suing Disney".

The IRS has seized Lindsay Lohan's bank accounts to pay her huge tax debts. Lohan responded by seizing more jewelry from stores.

According to "Forbes" magazine, Hollywood's most overpaid actor is Eddie Murphy. The second most overpaid actor is Murphy's agent for acting like Eddie is still funny.

Chris Brown tweeted a photo of himself in Amsterdam smoking three joints at once. Two were in his mouth, and one in the mouth of his neck tattoo.

Amy Winehouse's London home has been sold for 3.2 million dollars. The new owner says the house is in bad shape and definitely needs to be rehabbed.

One Direction and Carly Rae Jepsen were both passed over for Best New Artist nominations by this year's Grammy Awards. But they have next year to look forward to, when they'll both be up for Best New Sandwich Artist at Subway.

A Penn State sorority is being criticized for a photo showing the group of mostly white college girls posing as stereotypical Mexicans. However a school spokesman says the girls were actually just posing as stereotypically dumb sorority girls.

The NBA's New Orleans Hornets are planning to change their nickname to the Pelicans. However the rest of the league will continue to call them "the losers".

This week, Britain's Prince William and Kate announced that they're expecting a baby. Also this week, William's brother, Prince Harry announced that he's expecting a hangover.

The Grammy's announced they are adding three new categories to their list of awards next year. The categories include, Best Classical Compendium, Best Latin Jazz Album and Best New Category.

Apple CEO Tim Cook says the company will move some of its production to the U.S. next year. The move will create new jobs in the U.S., but unfortunately the only qualified candidates are kids in China.

NASA’s Voyager 1 spacecraft has discovered that the solar system is bigger than originally thought. The discovery was made after measuring the size of Chris Christie's pants.

Starbucks announced plans to add at least 1,500 locations in the U.S. over the next five years. U.S. officials say the only way to make room for more Starbucks is to make more states.

Authorities in Malibu are determining how to remove a 40,000 lb whale carcass rotting on a local beach. The scene has been causing a big disturbance, as paparazzi repeatedly mistake it for Jessica Simpson.

In a recent interview, Newt Gingrich said that the fiscal cliff is just an "artificial invention" designed to create fear. He then revealed that the only artificial invention he supports is the McRib.

A Cathay Pacific flight attendant was fired after writing on her Facebook page that she wanted to throw coffee in a passenger's face. Even worse, she posted the comment when all electronic devices were supposed to be turned off.

A Cathay Pacific flight attendant was fired after writing on her Facebook page that she wanted to throw coffee in a passenger's face. The airline stated that company policy strictly prohibits giving customers any free drinks.

Authorities have reported that a Northern California man was kidnapped and then forced to do repairs around the suspect's home. Police say they expect the suspect to be charged with "attempted marriage".

Pizza Hut Canada has produced a limited-edition perfume that smells like pizza. And for an extra $2 you can add breadsticks cologne.

Thursday, Google announced that its social network, Google Plus, has 135 million active users. "Good one!" said Myspace.

Barbara Walters has named Honey Boo Boo as one of the most fascinating people of 2012. And Honey Boo Boo's 'Mama' has been named one of the most fascinating people of 2012 lbs.

A new study shows that couples who choose to have children live longer than couples who don't have kids. However, all the extra time spent living is only used posting their kids' pictures to Facebook.

Comedian Katt Williams is accused of slapping an employee at a California Target. Williams said the employee was "asking for it" because he was wearing a bullseye.

Researchers have found a fossil specimen of what could be the earliest known dinosaur to walk the Earth. They've named it the LarryKingasaurus.

A Florida sheriff's office has reported finding a living dog that was tossed in a garbage pile scheduled for pickup. Or as the dog called it, an all you can eat buffet.

San Francisco's Board of Supervisors gave final approval on Tuesday to a ban on public nudity. The board also gave approval for San Francisco to now be called "The City that Never Streaks".

Week of November 10th

Officials say Superstorm Sandy may have destroyed as many 250,000 vehicles. Or as Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes call it, "girls night out".

A measure that legalized marijuana in Colorado and Washington has opened the door for "pot tourism". Which means those states can expect to see even more people clutching maps and looking very lost.

Spanx has opened its first retail store. All items appear to be 30% off, even though they're really not.

In LA County, a measure passed that requires porn stars to wear condoms while filming. It's being referred to as "the day the moneyshot died".

Researchers discovered that in a certain type of bird, the baby bird must sing a learned “password” to its mother in order to be fed. Researchers also believe it's the same "password" sung by Adele at McDonalds.

Navy SEALs involved in the raid that killed Osama Bin Laden were punished for providing classified information for a new video game. The classified information included the find Osama cheat code: up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, A, B.

Officials have suggested that the extramarital affair of former CIA head David Petraeus is to blame for the poor response to the attacks in Libya. Although this was pretty obvious when Petraeus showed up to Libya late and with lipstick on his collar.

Officials have suggested that the extramarital affair of former CIA head David Petraeus is to blame for the poor response to the attacks in Libya. Although this was pretty obvious when Petraeus refused to show Libya his call history.

After two years together, Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez are splitting. Which restores Ellen Degeneres and Portia de Rossi as Hollywood's most famous lesbian couple.

Week of November 3rd

PayPal is cutting over 300 jobs as part of a major reorganization. A company spokesman says those who are laid off will receive a severance package minus a 2.9% PayPal fee.

The Apple executive that many blamed for the Apple Maps debacle is leaving the company. Though he's expected to return when his phone mistakes Apple headquarters for K-Mart.

Shipbuilders have finished a Steve Jobs designed yacht that resembles a giant iPhone. However, at the yacht's unveiling it stopped working when it was dropped in the water.

When asked about the scrutiny over Christina Aguilera's fluctuating weight, Adam Levine said he "has her back". Which explains why moments later he threw out his back.

Michael Brown, the director of FEMA during Hurricane Katrina, has criticized President Obama for responding to Hurricane Sandy too early. When asked why, Brown said, "Because I still haven't responded to Hurricane Katrina".

Kelsey Grammer took his three-month-old baby to a Halloween party at the Playboy Mansion. When asked why, Grammer explained that it was all part of his Snooki costume.

Mila Kunis was spotted with what appeared to be a baby bump. Either that or she's taking nine months to punk Ashton Kutcher.

Michaelangelo's Sistine Chapel turned 500 years old on Thursday. The masterpiece shows God creating the first man on Earth by reaching down to touch the finger of Larry King.

Michelangelo's Sistine Chapel is celebrating its 500th birthday. The painting famously depicts stories from the Old Testament including the Creation, the fall of man, and Larry King's bar mitzvah.

Michelangelo's Sistine Chapel painting is celebrating the 500 year anniversary since it first opened to the public. "It seems like it was just was yesterday," said Larry King.

Michelangelo's Sistine Chapel turned 500 years old on Thursday. The narrative painting on the chapel's ceiling shows God creating the Sun, Moon, Earth, and Larry King.

Donnie Wahlberg of New Kids on the Block posted video of himself in his flooded New York City apartment after Hurricane Sandy. Officials say Wahlberg is another example of the useless things now washed up in the city.

At a rally in Colorado Friday, vice presidential candidate Paul Ryan said he "smelled success." It was the first time a Colorado crowd smelled like something other than weed.

Anderson Cooper's daytime talk show has been cancelled due to low ratings. Which is tough news for the show's viewers, people stuck in public waiting areas.

Lindsay Lohan tweeted on Monday she was confused over why people were in such a panic about Hurricane Sandy. Because natural disasters actually make shoplifting easier.

A man was fined $1.5 million for pirating gay porn videos. The man has been promised that the charge will appear on his credit statement as something more discreet than "gay porn video fine".

A man in England was arrested for giving out cocaine to trick-or-treaters. Though trick-or-treaters say the real villain was the guy giving out boxes of raisins.

Mark Cuban, billionaire owner of the Dallas Mavericks, has offered to donate $1 million to a charity of Donald Trump's choosing if he shaves his head. The offer was quickly declined by Donald Trump's hair.

Brad Pitt has donated $100,000 to encourage people to support gay marriage. This after Chanel donated $100,000 to encourage Pitt to speak jibberish.

Jon Hamm has released a YouTube video for the Obama campaign explaining the process for voting early. He also warned that voting for Mitt Romney will lead to women being treated like they are on "Mad Men".

A new poll by 60 Minutes said Denzel Washington is the best actor to play Jesus. And in that same poll they said that Denzel Washington in Training Day is the best actor to play overrated Jesus.

Week of October 27th

A new study show seventy-eight percent of Americans have read at least one book in the previous 12 months. Unfortunately that one book is the Cheesecake Factory menu.

Colorado Republicans filed an elections complaint claiming that Democrats offered college students free pizza in exchange for voting. Early Colorado returns show Mitt Romney down eight percentage points to pepperoni.

Colorado Republicans filed an elections complaint claiming that Democrats offered college students free pizza in exchange for voting. Election officials are already reporting problems counting ballots due to hanging cheese.

Denny's has introduced a new "Hobbit" menu. Denny's servers will honor the theme by dressing up as they normally do.

Researchers at the National Marine Mammal Foundation have found a white whale capable of imitating human speech. They first reported hearing the whale say, "I'm Chris Christie, FEED ME!"

An Arby's manager was fired recently for violating company policy by fleeing an attempted robbery at the restaurant. Arby's company policy states that the only people allowed to flee their restaurants are customers.

At a rally for President Barack Obama, Katy Perry wore a tight white dress imprinted like a ballot. Male attendees said if that's what the real ballots look like, they'll need an extra ten minutes in the voting booth.

At a rally for President Barack Obama, Katy Perry wore a tight white dress imprinted like a ballot. Perry says the dress is one of a kind, and the only ballot that needs a bouncer to remove hanging Chads.

CBS ordered a new family sitcom called " Smells Like Teen Spirit". CBS executives say it'll be the first network show where no one knows the actual words.

President Obama did a live Q&A on MTV on Friday. Most of the questions focused on his plan to create more jobs for The Jersey Shore. A

fter spending two years on the lam in the Tampa Bay area, a wild rhesus macaque monkey was found by Florida Fish and Wildlife. The monkey surrendered so it could audition for NBC sitcom roles.

A ski resort in Vermont will feature a gondola powered entirely by cow manure. It's also the first resort in the country to feature runs designated as Brown Diamond.

Conservative author Ann Coulter made headlines after calling President Obama a "retard." An appalled Joe Biden called the remark, "Completely wrong, because that's my title."

A Republican candidate for Senate in Indiana says that a pregnancy resulting from rape is a "gift from God." God responded, "It's still more thoughtful than giving a woman a gift card."

Rihanna says that she hasn't been on a date in almost two years. Even more unbelievable, she's been on Chris Brown's neck for almost two months.

Week of October 20th

October 16th was National Boss's Day. It's a day Mitt Romney celebrates by letting employees go home early and forever.

It's been reported that after being pulled from the lineup of a recent New York Yankees playoff game, Alex Rodriguez was seen flirting with women in the stands. But because he'd been benched, Rodriguez couldn't even get to first base.

R. Kelly is releasing a new installment of “Trapped in the Closet” on the day after Thanksgiving. He says it's the perfect gift for that special person you love to pee on.

"The Voice" coach Christina Aguilera admitted on "Chelsea Lately" that she doesn't like to wear underwear. Said underwear, "The feeling is mutual."

"The Voice" coach Christina Aguilera admitted on "Chelsea Lately" that she doesn't like to wear underwear. Said underwear, "That's ok because we don't like wearing Christina Aguilera."

"Newsweek" will stop making its print edition at the end of the year and become a digital-only publication. Which means now people in waiting rooms will have to pretend to read "Newsweek" on iPads.

"Newsweek" will stop making its print edition at the end of the year and become a digital-only publication. It's part of Newsweek's "stay just behind the curve" business plan.

A new study finds that women being exposed to semen can help fight depression. Also, men being exposed to semen can help fight boredom.

A new study finds that women being exposed to semen can help fight depression. Which explains why the world's least depressed woman is Kim Kardashian.

After the release of a report that shows Lance Armstrong used banned drugs, the embattled cyclist has been dropped by Nike. Which confirms that when Nike says "Just Do It", they don't mean steroids.

Sylvia Kristel, arguably the first adult film star, has died this week at the age of 60. Kristel's service is closed to the public but will later be made available on grainy VHS.

Last weekend Ventriloquist Jeff Dunham married his model girlfriend. Wedding pictures reveal that she is indeed a model, of an actual girlfriend.

Bruce Springsteen is campaigning for President Obama in Ohio. In reaction to this, Donald Trump now demands to see the birth certificate of "Born in the USA".

The NFL announced that Beyonce will perform at halftime of this year's Super Bowl. It marks the first time the losing team will have to watch the winners AND the halftime performer "put a ring on it".

Octomom Nadya Suleman made an appearance at a drag show in New York. To be fair, the only drag was Suleman's vagina across the floor.

Octomom Nadya Suleman made an appearance at a drag show in New York. To be fair, the show didn't become a drag until her vagina fell out of her pants.

Taylor Swift says that her new song "Everything Has Changed" was written while she was on a trampoline. Experts say Swift misused the trampoline, because it's supposed to break your leg and not your heart.

A new study has shown that germs attach themselves to dropped food immediately, proving the five-second rule is a myth. "Whatever" said everyone in college.

On Thursday Mitt Romney cancelled a scheduled appearance on "The View". It's the first appointment Romney's had with women that wasn't binding.

Week of October 10th

Kellogg has recalled roughly 282,000 cases of Frosted Mini-Wheats cereal due to the potential presence of "flexible metal mesh." The recall was so Kellogg can change the box to say "Frosted Mini-Wheats: Now with 8000% More Iron!"

President Obama is the winner of 7-11's "Coffee Cup Contest", where customers pick a cup to match the candidate they support. In other words, poor people are less willing to be burned by Romney.

A Papa John’s deliveryman in South Carolina refused to give up his pizzas after being attacked by a robber with a stun gun. Papa John's rewarded the brave deliveryman with a two dollar tip.

Howard Scott, who developed the long-playing vinyl LP, has died at the age of 92. His family plans to scatter his remains at a yard sale.

Howard Scott, who developed the long-playing vinyl LP, has died at the age of 92. His cause of death is unknown, though most suspect it's from using needles.

Earlier this week Felix Baumgartner's attempt to skydive from the edge of space back to Earth was delayed. He's trying to break the freefall record set by Obama's poll numbers after the first presidential debate.

Buzz Aldrin will make a guest appearance on The Big Bang Theory. Neil Armstrong must be rolling over in his orbit.

Buzz Aldrin will make a guest appearance on The Big Bang Theory. Now he's part of two conspiracy theories: that the moon landing was fake, and that The Big Bang Theory is funny.

Jennifer Aniston has become part owner of and spokesperson for a hair care company. Wait--the hair care company has just left her to move in with Angelina Jolie.

In a new book, Jay-Z says Kurt Cobain temporarily stopped hip-hop from expanding. Because he chose to make new music instead of just sampling old music.

The makers of Twinkies have filed a plan to help them get through bankruptcy. And like Twinkies, the plan won't expire for thirty years.

The makers of Twinkies have filed a plan to help them get through bankruptcy. The plan involves a lot of crying and binge eating Twinkies.

CBS’s “Made in Jersey” is the first canceled show of the fall season. And soon New Jersey finds out if it's the first state canceled of the fall season.

CBS’s “Made in Jersey” is the first canceled show of the fall season. In New Jersey, the fall always comes after eight shots of vodka.

Lindsey Lohan said she is voting for Romney. But she misunderstood Mitt when he said he likes "tie one on", not knowing he meant his dog to the roof of his car.

President Obama is the winner of 7-11's "Coffee Cup Contest", where customers pick a cup to match the candidate they support. However, 7-11 reports most of the Obama cups are already being used outside the store by people asking for change.

Researchers have discovered that Justin Bieber is related to both Avril Lavigne and Celine Dion. They're not related by blood, but by a marriage of bad sounds.

Vinny from “Jersey Shore” is currently on a college speaking tour. It marks the first time that "Vinny from Jersey Shore" and "college" have been used in the same sentence.

Vinny from “Jersey Shore” is currently on a college speaking tour. At each tour stop Vinny speaks while someone translates it into english.

Vinny from “Jersey Shore” is currently on a college speaking tour. Even college students have been like "that guy is way too drunk".

In November Ke$ha will release an autobiography. Readers who download the electronic version will be advised to use virus protection.

A Pennsylvania man attempted to rob a bank for $1. The U.S. job market is so bad that even criminals are accepting lesser pay.

A Pennsylvania man attempted to rob a bank for $1. A teller thwarted the man by charging him a minimum balance fee.

A Papa John’s deliveryman in South Carolina refused to give up his pizzas after being attacked by a robber. However, the robber still got away with free breadsticks.

A Papa John’s deliveryman in South Carolina refused to give up his pizzas after being attacked by a robber with a stun gun. The suspect is considered armed and gluttonous.

Thursday was National Coming Out Day. Or as Tom Cruise and John Travolta call it, National Still Staying In Day.

At a recent concert, Lady Gaga vomited onstage. Officials say she became sick from eating a piece of undercooked dress.

Hulk Hogan's sex tape has leaked online. It's the only match he's been a part of that ends with him not wearing the belt.

Kanye West and Kim Kardashian are looking to buy a mansion together in Miami. Or as the E! Network is calling it, location scouting.