The Onion Might Appreciate These Fake Headlines

I've recently submitted the following not-real news headlines as part of an application for a workshop run by The Onion. I figured instead of letting it die in the hands of a workshop gatekeeper I'd let it die on the internet!

Apple Unveils Suite of New Products that Your Parents Will Need Help Setting Up

City’s New Bike Share Program Hailed as Great Service for Those With Absolutely No Other Options

Actual Flock of Seagulls Tired of Being Confused for 80’s New Wave Band

Woman Spends 20 Minutes Selecting Nephew's Birthday Card That Won’t Even Have Check In It

President Trump Visits Casket of Ruth Bader Ginsburg to Get Paid His Respects

Coworker’s Vacation Story Overheard for Third Time This Morning

Grubhub Driver Somehow Has Nice Car

Man’s Best Friend Abandons Man for Discarded Chicken Wing 

Man Working from Home Has Trouble Adjusting to Lunch Not Being Stolen Out of Refrigerator By Coworkers

Additional Headlines:

CEO Reports That Newborn Daughter Has Outperformed Q1 Growth Forecast

Man Credits Diet, Exercise For Slightly Less Embarrassing Physique 

Despite Owning Several Instruments That Precisely Measure Passage of Time, Man Still Can’t Believe It Already Friday

Refugee In Line for U.S. Immigration Considers Hopping Into Shorter Line for Different Country

Man Yearns for Time When He Can Have Filthy Hands Again

Deteriorating U.S. Air Quality & Human Rights Sorta Reminds Refugee Seeking Better Life of Country She Escaped

Child’s Lemonade Stand Secures Pee Pee Pee Loan

Freak Puppy Mill Accident Results in Goldendoodle Suffocated by Hugs

Hurricane Sally Tired of Being Compared to Older Storms

Man’s Kombucha Has Just Enough Alcohol to Make Him Feel Irrationally Confident

Donald Trump's LEAKED Presidential Concession Speech

This was written and used for a relatively popular podcast.

What follows is the purported transcript of Donald Trump's leaked Presidential Concession Speech:

Thank you.

(hold for applause)

Thank you, my friends.

(hold for more applause)

Thank you. Thank you, bigly.

(hold for hot piece of ass groupies charging the stage so they can be wrangled by security and held on my tour bus)

I've just called Crooked Hillary to congratulate her on winning this totally rigged presidential election. I would've emailed her my congratulations, but we know what a total disaster she is with that technology. And for the record: when I mark Crooked Hillary's email with a “C”, it doesn't stand for “Confidential”, it stands for “C U Next Tuesday”.

Crooked Hillary's supporters and campaign staff deserve special congratulations for the tremendous job they did pretending like she doesn't have serious medical issues.

And congratulations to Hillary's husband, Bill Clinton, who gets to resume “vetting” White House interns. Folks, he's ready to Make America Rape Again.

Congratulations to Hillary's wardrobe stylist for single-handedly keeping Chico's & Talbots in business. If you're unfamiliar, Chico's and Talbots are chain stores that cater to “mature” women. “Mature” is code for the type of women who only come forward with sexual assault allegations when they're decades past their prime. Just sayin'.

Folks, this is a time of tremendous challenges for America, and I pray to Trump that someone stops Crooked Hillary's 30 year streak of making America not so great. I don't know who could do it, maybe the 2nd amendment people?

I want to thank Mike Pence, my running mate. Aside from my inevitable next wife, Mike is the best choice I've ever made. And trust me, I've made a lot of great choices. Fantastic choices, really.

I want to thank Melania—who according to our marriage license, is the love of my life at the moment. Can you believe she's only 46?! We all know a woman's expiration date is the day she turns 50, which is why I've been chanting “Four More Years!” Four more years until she's decommissioned as my wife and shipped back to Slovenia. Don't worry, she doesn't understand a word I'm saying right now. Melania would have been a wonderful first lady, but she'll have to settle for being a wonderful third wife.

I'd like to thank my former campaign manager, Corey Lewandowski. Corey was the battery that kept the campaign running--as in “assault and battery”. Man, does that guy know how to punch a protester! He's got a bright career ahead of him. I've recommended him to my good friend Don King.

I want to thank my sons: Eric, and Donald Jr., and also the really young one. What's his name again? Anyways, Eric and Donald Jr. really stuck out their necks for me, which showed what they're made of. It also showed what their jawlines are made of: nothing.

Thank you to my daughters, Ivanka and Tiffany. Despite what people say, I have zero sexual interest in either of you. Because that'd be illegal. And I respect the law as much as I respect women.

I'd like to thank Governor Chris Christie for always having my back—which is a great back by the way--believe me, my doctor says so. Any disagreements Governor Christie and I had during the primary was just water under the bridge he'd closed illegally.

I'd like to thank former New York City Mayor Rudy Giuliani. I've heard people say that Rudy Giuliani shows the symptoms of suffering from a stroke, and they're right—a stroke of genius for supporting Donald Trump.

Thank you to Paul Ryan, Reince Preibus, and the entire Republican party. I couldn't have done “it” without you. And when I say “it”, I mean lose this rigged election to Crooked Hillary.

And thanks to everyone here and across the country who supported our campaign, even though it meant enduring constant ridicule from total pussies. I hope you grabbed those pussies by the pussy and showed 'em not to screw with you.

Let's face it folks, America is a total disaster right now. Americans are using their phones to catch imaginary monsters, when they should be using their phones to call INS and catch the real monsters—foreigners.

We're getting killed in trade by the Chinese, and we're getting killed in math and science by the Chinese-American immigrants in our very own schools. Sad!

Jobs are leaving the country faster than ever. Just a few weeks ago a job left NBC's Today Show. Which proves that no one is safe, not even the Bush family.

I had the best plan to lead this country, but unfortunately the people rigging this election have spoken, and I will not be the person to Make American Great Again. Your loss!

In closing, you're welcome, everyone! For the endless hours I worked to Make Politics Entertaining Again. And may Trump bless America. I am the best. You're welcome. You're really tremendously welcome.

And follow @realDonaldTrump on Twitter for a live-tweet of Crooked Hillary's entire presidential term.

Jokes for the Republican & Democratic National Conventions

Last month I was asked to submit jokes for a "confidential political special" about the Democratic & Republican National Conventions. Here's what I came up with (WARNING: MANY--ARGUABLY, ALL--OF THESE ARE REALLY, REALLY DUMB):

I’m here in Philadelphia, where Hillary Clinton is the first woman in American history to serve as a major party candidate for President. Or as historians are calling it, she's broken the pantsuit barrier.

It's nice to see Donald Trump show his support for the host city by painting his face the same color as a Cleveland Browns football helmet.

Look at all of these protesters. I wonder how many of them had to take the day off from unemployment.

“As a member of the Westboro Baptist Church, you've protested funerals for military officers, homosexuals, and celebrities. But is this the first time you've protested the funeral of an entire political party?”

The Democratic Convention is being covered by 20,000 credentialed media members from around the world and broadcast by all major television networks in the United States. There's more slime balls being filmed here than the last Ghostbusters movie.

The only thing at this convention less secure than Hillary Clinton's emails is Bill Clinton's pant zipper.

The last time Philadelphia held the Democratic Convention was in 1948, which is also the last time Bernie Sanders held a hairbrush.

Jeb Bush has decided to skip the convention because he's trying to distance himself from anything that might be too popular.

Donald Trump is the first major party nominee since 1940 who hasn’t held political office or a military rank. Of course it's hard for Trump to hold anything because of his tiny hands.

Only 18 of the nearly 2500 delegates at the Republican National Convention are black. And of all 50,000 convention attendees, only 1 is orange.

All of Philadelphia's 6,000 hotel rooms are booked for the Democratic National Convention. Though there's still space for young, attractive women to crash in the Bill Clinton suite.

Bernie Sanders is at the Democratic convention in an attempt to flip superdelegates. Which will be tough, because he doesn't even look strong enough to flip an Olsen twin.

The Republican National Convention is tasked with approving a platform to guide the party, and making sure the platform doesn't shatter under the weight of Chris Christie.

It's only the first day of the convention and Bill Clinton has already been caught staring at the cleavage on the Liberty Bell.

Media outlets have reported that Donald Trump had a tough time deciding whether to choose his daughter as his running mate or his life mate.

“Would you say the Democratic candidate nominating process is unfairly rigged? Or is it just fairly rigged?”

"Why did you volunteer for the National Convention? Was it because you wanted to help showcase your city and provide a positive experience for guests? Or because you wanted a new crappy shirt to wear while cleaning your kitchen?”

“How do you expect Bernie to push Hillary left when he can't even push his hair left with a comb?”

Chris Christie is expected to have a prime speaking role at the convention. He’s also expected to have a prime rib.

Here's a group of protesters called 'Stand Together Against Trump'. And after the convention they'll be reuniting to 'Stand Together in the Unemployment Line'.

“How'd you receive the details for this convention gala? Did Hillary send you a confidential invite from her hotmail account?"

The Democratic convention will host 6,000 delegates and alternates representing 50 states, the District of Columbia, six U.S. territories, and most corporate interests.

There are over 10,000 volunteers for the Democratic National Convention in Philadelphia. Jobs range from managing phones, delivering boxes, transporting attendees, assisting the press, and taking harassment from Bernie bros.

Topical Monologue Jokes That Busted Your Bracket

A video has surfaced of a man urinating onto a factory assembly line for Kellogg's cereal. Which explains why the new slogan for Rice Krispies is "Snap, Crackle, & Flush".

Chipotle is offering free burritos in an effort to combat the appearance of empty stores. The offer is also expected to help combat the appearance of empty hospital beds.

North Korea's supreme court has sentenced an American student to 15 years of hard labor. But on the bright side, the student hasn't even graduated college yet and he's already found a job.

After five seasons, CBS has cancelled its crime drama "Person of Interest". It's being replaced by the new crime drama "Person of Hopefully More Interest".

Uber has announced that it will now make one-way trips from the US to Mexico. They're calling the new service Uber Trump.

Topical Monologue Jokes Rejected By Important People

Recently had the opportunity to submit jokes for important people, though these didn't make the cut.

Topical Monologue Joke Submission

11 ways to be an effective Couchsurfing event organizer

Learn from my triumphs and mistakes as a seasoned Couchsurfing event organizer in Santa Monica, California. The tips below will help empower you to organize your own successful Couchsurfing events.

1. Be proactive – Visit your chosen venue one week before your event (preferably the same day/time as your event) to see if the location is appropriate for your group. Introduce yourself to the manager to discuss your needs/expectations. Even if it’s a place you’ve visited many times, contact the venue to confirm that it’ll be open and can accommodate your group. Reserve a space if possible.
2. Be specific – Include helpful information on your event page such as: how to access your event with public transportation, an address/map/contact information for the venue, a description of the meeting area, any age restrictions, dress code regulations, and parking information. 
3. Be inclusive – A Couchsurfing event should be open to all members regardless of race, creed, color, age, sexual orientation, etc. I’ve heard stories of some events that attempt to “gender balance”, the purposeful exclusion of people based on their sex. Couchsurfing isn’t a speed dating website, so if you’re worried about your event being a “sausage party”, sign up for Match.com instead.  
4. Be transparent – Manage expectations of event attendees by disclosing their obligations, financial or otherwise, for the event. Withholding pertinent information from your attendees is a deceitful practice that will only harm your reputation amongst CSers.
5. Be promotional – You’ve chosen your event space and created a Couchsurfing event page, but now you need to let the CS community know about it. Create a post in the “Find Discussions” section of the CS site with a short description of your event and a link to the event page. Search the discussion board for travelers who’ve posted about being in your town and are looking for something to do. Find profiles of active CS hosts/members in your city and invite them and their surfers. Post an event link in your area’s CS page on Facebook.
6. Be punctual – Arrive 15 minutes before the listed start time of your event. If you don’t have a space reserved, ask an employee if there’s an area your group can commandeer. Let the employee know you’ll have folks looking for the group when they arrive; ask if it’s possible to have people directed to your area.
7. Be welcoming – Greet each attendee with a smile and a handshake, or even a hug. First impressions count. It’s easy to talk and mingle with the people you already know, but remember that some people at your event may not know anyone or even the native language. Introduce new attendees to the ones you might already know.
8. Be vigilant – Keep an eye open for wandering people who appear lost – they’re most likely event attendees looking for the group. Watch for people who you feel are making others uncomfortable and for attendees in distress; you’re the event leader, so don’t be afraid to interrupt a conversation to ask if everything is ok.
9. Be available – Monitor the comments section of your event page so you can respond to any questions from attendees or prospective attendees. On the night of your event, regularly check your phone for messages, emails, and calls from event attendees who might be trying to locate your group. 
10. Be patient – This has been the toughest part for me, but try to remember that many attendees aren’t familiar with your city’s geography, culture, customs, and language; this means that you’ll be inevitably asked many of the same questions and sent many of the same messages. People will complain no matter what (it’s human nature), but over time you’ll develop thicker skin. And the bonds and connections you develop with fellow CSers will make it all worthwhile.  
11. Be persistent – Don’t get discouraged if your event doesn’t happen as you’d envisioned. There are many factors involved with organizing an event, most of which are completely out of your control. But ruminate on the things within your control and ask yourself how you’d do it differently next time. A 25-50% attendance rate from the RSVP list is the norm – anything above 50% percent is exceptional, but anything below 25% and you’ll want to revisit your planning process.

If you’ve read this far, congratulations! Please feel free to leave your own CS organizing advice and experiences below in the comments section.

Two Week Vegan Challenge - Days 3 to 9

Ten days into the Two Week Vegan Challenge and I'm not dead yet.

Apologies for over a week of radio silence -- unless you're annoyed by my self-serving exploit, in which case, you're welcome?

A few days into the challenge, my brother asked how I was feeling, to which I replied, "There's no way a slaughtered cow feels worse than I do right now." But after the initial 48 hours I've felt mostly ok.

Also, I should note that I've already received more invitations to get vegan lunch/dinner than I have regular lunch/dinner throughout all of 2015. Maybe it's just part of the vegan recruitment effort, but the sentiment is nice.

Eating food is no longer something I give much thought to; it's more of an emotionless process now. Before this vegan challenge, my mind would often ponder how, when, where, and what my next meal would be. I freely admit that untethering myself from these thoughts feels liberating, as I can focus my time and energy elsewhere. (Like on writing things that sound even more douchey than that last sentence.)

Most mornings I've had almond milk and vegan cereal for breakfast. The consistency and flavor is close to what I'm used to, and I could actually see myself continuing to include these things in my post-vegan diet. That's right, soon I'll be self-identifying as "post-vegan", which I hope takes the country by storm and lands me my own crappy reality show.

Monday, Day 3
I'm convinced that staying busy at work will be a blessing because I'll be too busy to remember that I'm depriving myself of regular food. By cruel coincidence, I've chosen not to eat animal byproducts during the same week I'm tasked with staring at mouthwatering sausage recipes/pictures for hours on end at work. It's part of a website launch for a client that specializes in -- you guessed it -- sausage products! I get it, God -- you're a first rate novelist, but maybe you could dial it back every once in a while?

A late night at work and I didn't bring dinner. So I've convinced a coworker to order from Green Peas, a local joint with a reputation for tasty regular food and vegan options. I opt for a vegetable quesadilla. In hindsight, it seems strange to have ordered a dish that basically has the Spanish word for cheese, "queso", in its title. Of course we all know that "dilla" is the Spanish word for "delicious". If cheese is the mortar that binds together Mexican food, guacamole is the layer of paint that hides all blemishes. And boy did I smother that quesadilla in guacamole. It was my first run in with the impostor vegan cheese, which was decent, but a world apart from the real deal.

Tuesday, Day 4
I've stumbled upon PETA's "Top 20 Accidentally Vegan Foods", a list of junk food that's technically approved for me to eat. This is a huge loophole, and a sight for sore stomach. So now I'm loading my shopping cart with items like BBQ Pringles, Airheads, Wheat Thins, Sour Patch Kids, and more. After showing friends this list, they'd remark that I could be the first person on a vegan diet to gain weight.

Wednesday, Day 5 and Thursday, Day 6
I don't really remember any significant Vegan-related events happening. The lack of protein may be causing my body to consume my brain. But I've noticed that all I've done with friends is talk about my vegan experiment, and in this way I'm only furthering the stereotype.

Friday, Day 7 - The Challenge Within the Challenge
I've grown so tired of saying the word "vegan" that I've challenged myself to go a full day without uttering it. This challenge was nearly a success until about 10pm, after I'd imbibed some whiskey and the forbidden word came barreling out of my mouth.

Saturday, Day 8 
A very late night out and I realize there's no satisfying or convenient late-night vegan option to soak up the booze. So I'm in my kitchen at 5am slicing a red pepper and dipping it into hummus. Later this morning I wake up amazed that my fingers weren't victim of a drunken knife accident.

I take a nighttime trip to the Getty Center with some friends. For being an art museum and a place you'd think would cater to progressive types, the cafe lacked any decent vegan options. Aside from fruit, the next best/only other option is a $7 pita/hummus combo.

Sunday, Day 9
I'm perched atop a bench on the back patio of Big Dean's Oceanfront Cafe, watching friends binge on beer and fried food that I can't touch. This is one of my favorite places in L.A., but seeing as they don't serve liquor, it's a completely different experience as a vegan. There's basically nothing on the menu I can eat/drink.

Later I meet friends for dinner at a Mexican restaurant in Playa del Rey. Based on the menu, all I can do is cobble together a meal of side items: tortillas filled with zucchini, lettuce, jalapenos, and guacamole. We think the zucchini was probably prepared with butter or something non-vegan, but I'm not about to run into the kitchen to find out.

The Two Week Vegan Challenge - Day 2

9:00AM - I'm groggy and feel light-headed. Not sure if it's the lack of dead animal matter in my GI tract or the lack of sleep caused by the nasally, drunken drone of my neighbors impersonating the Real Housewives at 3AM. For six hours I've been semi-conscious and cycling between the same four websites. I didn't eat much yesterday and my appetite is still stuck in neutral. I've been spending less time than usual thinking about and obsessing over food. I'm eating a bowl of organic strawberries that have unfortunately tipped from being ripe to slightly beyond ripe. The only difference I've noticed between regular strawberries and organic strawberries is the extra $2. Seems like a smug tax.

10:30AM - I've returned home after buying a brand new, used $50 bike on Craigslist because my $70 bike was publicly sabotaged last week. Plenty of perks of living in Santa Monica, but one detriment is that bikes here are about as safe as a comb running through Donald Trump's "hair".

The thought of having a warm meal spurs a momentary interest in food, so I heat up a can of Amy's Hearty Organic Soups (Spanish Rice & Red Beans) on the stove top before the hunger urge passes. (And don't think I lack the self-awareness to realize how much this makes me sound like a privileged asshole.)

The simplicity of the preparation and ingredients is appealing. How bad could a can of rice/beans be? The answer: not so bad, but I'd guess the taste/quality is just a half-step above an MRE.

1:00PM - I take my brand new, used bike for a spin through the sun-soaked streets of Santa Monica. (I know, I know -- forced alliteration is the worst!) A workout at the Santa Monica Stairs is my mission, which I hope serves the dual purpose of getting exercise and keeping myself too busy to realize how much I miss actual food.

An episode of "Pep Talks", a podcast hosted by inimitable comedian Eddie Pepitone, is crackling in my piece-of-shit earbuds. Eddie, the "Bitter Buddha", is the best. I must look like a maniac riding my bike while laughing to myself, until I remember this is a common sighting on the westside of L.A.

1:20PM - A vegan-themed food truck parked along Ocean Avenue grabs my attention. I mentally bookmark it as a place to return to for a post-workout reward.

1:30PM - I see a shirtless man at the stairs whose body looks like a toy action figure, and all I can think is "Not recommended for women over 19, mentally." But I digress.

2:20PM - I return to the vegan food truck and idle past, slowly enough to read the menu and realize none of this shit sounds satisfying after a workout.

2:25PM - Coincidentally, my earbuds are transmitting the sound of Eddie Pepitone talking with his podcast guest about his vegan ways.

2:45PM - I stop by Whole Foods to post-workout reward myself with some vegan snacks. $21 later, I exit with a bag of trail mix, guacamole, peanut butter/chocolate chip cookies, and a soda.

3:00PM - Yesterday's leftover balsa-wood-based tasting crackers are a tolerable device for delivering guacamole to my mouth hole. The vegan version of the sesame sticks in the trail mix, which I'd looked forward to the most, taste sad and stale. The peanut butter and chocolate chip cookies are passable as real cookies, but they also bear a hint of joyless nutrition.

Most of the vegan food I've tried so far is just a more bland, less satisfying version of the food it's attempting to imitate. It lacks a certain richness I associate with regular foods. Everything tastes dried out.

Vegan food is the tribute band version of regular food: I might be fooled into believing I was experiencing the real thing if I were wearing a blindfold. Regular food is like Stone Temple Pilots fronted by Scott Weiland: marred by a toxic chemistry that leads to disaster, but responsible for a fuckin' enjoyable product nonetheless. Vegan food is like Stone Temple Pilots fronted by the Linkin Park guy, which is a limp and unpalatable imitation.

5:00PM - I've awoken from a longish nap, again, probably brought on by some combination of lack of sleep and nutrition. I make some pasta with alfredo sauce, which is decent at best. But then again, red pepper flakes make pretty much any food bearable; they're like the Tom Hanks of the spice rack.

8:00PM - I drive to meet a friend and we down some vodkas with sodas. She's incredulous that most beer/wine ain't vegan approved. I launch into a bit about Santa Monica's Vegan Oktoberfest, which I say is the perfect place for anyone who wants to get drunk and then preached to for hours on end.

12:15AM - Ralph's is mostly vacant, so I don't feel as self-conscious flipping over boxes of crackers in a search for the vegan stamp of approval. I buy some breakfast items for the next day (Almond milk and cereal) and a few more items that have escaped my memory at the moment. Probably for lack of protein in my brain.

The Two Week Vegan Challenge - Day 1

12:05AM - Well, I'm an entire five minutes into the challenge and so far I haven't had a single craving for pizza, carne asada, or buffalo wings. This vegan thing is going to be easier than I thought.

7:30AM - Didn't sleep well or much. My body must be confused by 7.5 hours of no delicious animal products. Not eating breakfast because I don't feel hungry. Also, if you can't have chorizo breakfast burritos, what the fuck do vegans eat in the morning? Need to research this.

8:05AM - My friend has picked me up for a hike.

8:20AM - He's listened to me ramble about my new diet for the entirety of the drive. Guess this makes me an official vegan.

9:00AM - Started hiking with a group of friends and the first order of business is making plans to get lunch at a vegan-friendly restaurant when we've finished. Didn't take long for me to become a high-maintenance pain-in-the-ass.

11:45AM - Scanning the menu at this "vegan-friendly" restaurant and everything sounds delicious, but none of the items are actually vegan. Fortunately one of the others in our group is a long-time vegan, so the group acquiesces to our request to head elsewhere.

12:00PM - Walked down the road to Veggie Grill, an all-vegan restaurant. I've ordered a buffalo "chicken" salad; the "chicken" is actually plant-based. It's my first time seeing menu items placed in scare quotes, which are meant express irony. I'm genuinely concerned that mixing lunch with irony, or any other literary device, will destroy my love for all things buffalo, forever. And that's not hyperbole.

12:15PM - The buffalo "chicken" salad has arrived and it's "delicious". Kidding. It is actually quite good. The texture and taste are remarkably similar to real buffalo chicken. I'd like to do a blind taste test sometime. Finishing my meal with a vegan chocolate chip and walnut cookie. Good stuff.

3:30PM - Snacking on some vegan hummus and crackers. If the buffalo "chicken" was plant-based, these "crackers" taste like they're balsa-wood based. Yuck.

9:00PM - I'm at a comedy show in what feels like the hallway of a college dorm, if the dorm was full of sad, socially awkward men in their thirties. One of the side rooms has a makeshift bar, replete with beer, wine, and spirits. Beer and wine don't typically pass the vegan test, but spirits do! I ask for  vodka, but the only mixer is a Monster energy drink. Now I'm frantically Googling "Monster energy drink vegan?". Turns out no Monsters were harmed in the making of the energy drink, so I can mix it with my vodka.

11:50PM - I wouldn't say I've forgotten to eat dinner, as much as I wasn't interested or hungry. Will give it a shot tomorrow. Until then...

The Two Week Vegan Challenge

 

For the next two weeks I'll be giving up all of my favorite foods to eat a strictly vegan diet. This isn't an effort to raise awareness for animal cruelty or to lose weight or to be even more attention-seeking than usual -- I merely want to test my discipline.

I've always believed that vegans choose their lifestyle not because they like saving animals, but because they like being difficult. And morphing into a stereotypical vegan pain-in-the-ass is my biggest fear. I usually pride myself on eating whatever, whenever, however without making a fuss. For the sake of the challenge, I'm fortunate to live in Santa Monica, which is like the Disneyland of veganism, if Mickey and Minnie Mouse were smug and high-maintenance.

You can follow along as I keep a running diary of this challenge. And feel free to offer your support, advice, recipes, insults, etc.

FRIDAY, JULY 17th - THE LAST SUPPER / WHOLE FOODS / STRAWBERRY SHAKE

7:50PM - Just endured a brutal Friday night open mic. Time to walk to Chick fil-A to eat my feelings. Only a few hours until midnight, which is when the challenge officially begins and I turn into a pumpkin. Or a person who only eats pumpkin. Anyhow, need to get in a last bite

7:55PM - (1) Chick fil-A spicy sandwich and (8) nuggets is what I'd request as my last supper were I on death row. Do you know what vegans on death row typically request as their last meal? Trick question! Vegans have never been on death row because they can only be imprisoned in a metaphorical cell of their own joyless dietary restrictions. I'm eating by myself, which I assume will be a common theme for the next two weeks. 

8:20PM - I've entered a Whole Foods to stockpile vegan food. That's where vegans shop, right? What do vegans eat? God, I should've done more research. The challenge hasn't even started and I'm already the guy scanning the nutrition labels on hummus containers to find one that's vegan approved.

8:45PM - Well, I just spent $47 on a small bag of groceries that I'm probably going to hate.

 

9:05PM - I barely ever get McDonald's milkshakes, but fuck it -- going to take advantage while I still have time. And this Strawberry shake tastes extra good because I know it's going to be at least two weeks before I can indulge again.

11:59PM - This is like the New Year's Eve countdown, except I'm by myself and dreading tomorrow. Wait nevermind, this is exactly like the New Year's Eve countdown...