topical monologue jokes

New research suggests that watching disturbing images on TV could lead to post-traumatic stress disorder. Which is bad news for anyone who saw Carrie Underwood in NBC's "The Sound of Music". 

A Minnesota gymnastics coach has been accused of tattooing a teenage girl without her parents permission. Even worse, the Minnesota judge has given the tattoo a score of 0.0.

An advocacy group has asked Fisher-Price to stop selling a baby seat designed to hold a child in front of an iPad. Though it's better than the Chinese version, which is designed to hold a child so that it can build an iPad.

Canada has signaled it's intention to claim the North Pole. Which means soon Santa will prefer that kids leave him cookies and maple syrup.

MTV has crowned Miley Cyrus as its best artist of the year. Which comes as a surprise to anyone who thought they knew the meanings of "best" and "artist".

Aron Ralston, the man who inspired the film "127 Hours" after he amputated his own arm in a rock climbing accident, was arrested this week for assault. Though he's claiming self-defense as the reason he punched the boulder.

An annual measure of the nation's health finds that Americans made "a notable shift" toward better health in 2013. Mostly due to Americans who got in shape by running from gunfire.

According to a recent study, high school students who are considered attractive make better grades. Though high school students who are considered unattractive still make better grades in marching band.

President Obama is supporting an initiative that aims to get students across the country to learn an hour of computer science each week. So soon students will be equipped with the computer skills to launch their own failed website.

Monday was officially recognized as "National Pastry Day". While Tuesday was officially recognized as "Wear Your Fat Pants Day".

This week at a Georgia Home Depot, a prank involving super glue left a woman stuck to a toilet seat. Then Home Depot employees pranked the woman again by offering to help her.

The sign language interpreter used at Nelson Mandela's memorial service is being called a "fake". Republicans suspected something was up because President Obama's remarks weren't interpreted with a thumbs down.

A new study found that Viagra may be used to ease women's menstrual cramps. Women were excited by the news, while some men could only get excited by the news after taking Viagra.

A new study found that Viagra may be used to ease women's menstrual cramps. Though since it's Viagra, women can expect to have their cramps eased for way longer than actually needed.

A 6-year-old boy has been suspended from a Colorado school for kissing a girl on the cheek. But on the bright side the school nurse reports that the girl hasn't showed any signs of cooties.

A fact-checking group has dubbed President Obama’s statement 'If you like your health care plan, you can keep it' as the Lie of the Year. And runner up for Lie of the Year was by Joe Biden's wife, who told Joe Biden that "Santa Claus is real."

Forbes has named Adam Sandler the most overpaid actor of 2013. While the most underpaid actor of 2013 is anyone telling Sandler that his new movie is funny.

It's been reported that North Korean leader Kim Jong Un was behind the recent sentencing and execution of his own uncle. After hearing this, even Santa Claus was like, "I hope I'm not on that guy's naughty list!"

President Obama is now vying with Nelson Mandela for Time's 'Person of the Year'. Though after passing away, Mandela is now a lock for Out of Time's 'Person of the Year'.

Beyonce surprised fans by releasing a secret album on Thursday. Though skeptics believe the real secret was that the album was actually produced by a surrogate.

Two years after releasing the song "Friday", Rebecca Black has released a follow-up, called "Saturday". The lyrics tell the story of a girl who ran out of money after Friday.

Hawaii's health director Loretta Fuddy, who approved the release of President Obama's birth certificate, died Wednesday. As expected, Donald Trump has asked to see her long-form death certificate.

The Obama administration has hired Adam Levine to promote Obamacare. And they've also hired the rest of Maroon 5 to promote the Obamacare website, because neither are known to be working.

The NSA has been secretly monitoring the Xbox live network. And they say their suspicions are confirmed: gamers aren't getting laid.

New Jersey Senator Bob Menendez proposed to his girlfriend Monday under the Capitol dome. She said "yes", but only after hours of filibustering.

Former U.S. President George H.W. Bush has joined Twitter. He says the only account he's needed to block so far is @broccoli.

8 jokes less disappointing than your Hanukkah

Applebee's announced that they are putting tablets on the tables of all their restaurants. Which is an upgrade from what they usually put on the tables of their restaurants: food.

President Obama said he uses a Blackberry since he's not allowed to have an iPhone for security reasons. His phone is secure because nobody's actually interested in stealing a Blackberry.

This year, Thanksgiving coincided with first night of Hanukkah. It's the story of how the Jews only had enough oil for one night, but made it last for eight nights of reheating leftovers.

Detroit Lions running back Reggie Bush likened taking big hits during an NFL game to "being in a car crash." While Willie Nelson likened taking big hits during an NFL game to "being in a tour bus".

In a new documentary, David Beckham said, as a young professional soccer player, he had to masturbate in front of teammates as part of a hazing ritual. Which explains why he's so comfortable being in public in only his underwear.

This year, there was a large rise in people naming their babies after characters from Breaking Bad. Though there was also a large drop in people naming their babies after characters from What Would Ryan Lochte Do?

A new study found that the state that buys the most large-sized condoms is North Dakota. However North Dakota is also the state that buys the most rubber bands.

A couple who went through a McDonald's drive-thru was given a bag full of money instead of their order. But to be fair, the order taker did ask them "Would you like cash with that?"

jokes

A new study reveals that nut eaters have a lower risk of dying of cancer and heart disease. Although they have a higher risk of dying under the wheel of a moving car.

A new study shows sex and alcohol make people more happy than religion and children. The study was conducted at college.

Campbell's is worried that soup is becoming less popular in America. It's gotten so bad that people say they'd rather enjoy a hot bowl of Congress.

Darren Criss from "Glee" did karaoke at a gay bar by singing "A Whole New World" from "Aladdin" with the woman who did Jasmine's voice in the movie. Sources say the performance was so powerful that it broke the gay sound barrier.

The "Spider-Man" musical will close on Broadway in January and move to Las Vegas in 2015. So now what happens in Vegas, stays in a broken safety harness.

Sarah Palin's Ford Expedition that she used while serving as mayor of Wasilla has been listed for sale on Ebay. The listing claims that you can see Russia from the backseat.

It was reported this week that Abercrombie & Fitch sales are continuing to decline. Though Abercrombie & Fitch scents are still as strong as ever. 

After being charged too much for bacon, a Bermuda man caused $600 worth of damage to a restaurant. Or as the restaurant knows it, three strips of bacon.

Playstation 4 gamers are complaining about a problem with the system they call "the blue light of death." While parents of Playstation 4 gamers are complaining about a problem they call "my adult son won't move out of the basement". 

A new report shows that taking an Asprin before bed may reduce the risk of morning heart attacks. But still the most reliable way to reduce the risk of morning heart attacks is to not eat McGriddles.

This week, Congressman Trey Radel pleaded guilty to possession of cocaine. In other words, now he's just a Canadian green card away from being able to run Toronto.

The surviving members of Monty Python will reunite next year for a live stage show. In other words, now the parrot may not be the only thing in the sketch that's dead.

In an interview, Brett Favre said he's dealing with early stages of memory loss. But on the bright side, eventually he'll forget about the Wrangler Jeans commercials.

Bill and Melinda Gates have awarded scientists a $100,000 grant to develop a better condom. More specifically a condom that's able to convince women to have sex with it.

In a recent interview, Kris Jenner said that she’s open to dating younger men. Or at least men who look younger because of plastic surgery.

The nation of Qatar is hosting the World Cup, and there are complaints that, from overhead, its stadium looks like a vagina. Though Qatar officials say they actually plan to cover the stadium with a dome that looks like a burka.

The Oxford English Dictionary has declared "selfie" as its word of the year. And instead of including a definition there's just a tiny mirror.

A fan who fell from the top deck of a New York football stadium and landed on a fan in a lower level has been banned from future games. Though he's now been named as the newest cast member of the Spider-Man musical.

jokes, yo

 
Due to plummeting sales, the company that makes Crocs may go private. Though the people who wear Crocs will continue to go way too public.

This week in Washington state, a man was surprised when his dog brought home a human leg. Though he wasn't surprised when the dog wouldn't stop humping it.

A Florida man was arrested this week for masturbating at the DMV. Or as the DMV called it, a "moving violation".

According to a recent study, 38% of American kids age two and under have used a smartphone. While 38% of Chinese kids age two and under have built a smartphone.

A California man was arrested after attacking a taxi cab with a didgeridoo. It marks the first time a didgeridoo has attacked anything other than ears.

This week, McDonalds brought back the McRib. Which means McDonalds has been diving in their own dumpster.

Justin Bieber has recorded a new song with R. Kelly. Sources have described it as sounding like a "pissing match".

A chain of Virginia liquor stores has advertised 10% off everything on Black Friday. Or as customers are calling it, "Blackout Friday".

Mitt Romney is helping with Boston's bid to host the 2024 Olympics. So congratulations, Boston, on being runner-up to host the 2024 Olympics!

At an Apple store in Australia, a new iPad Air burst into flames. It's just the latest in Apple's long tradition of leaving customers feeling burned.

According to a survey by an online dating site, the least attractive accent is the one from Pennsylvania. While the most attractive accent is the one from big boobs.

One World Trade Center is now officially the tallest building in the United States. Which explains Al Qaeda's new motto: "Aim Higher".

A car mechanic has invented a device that helps women give birth more easily. He's calling it the "jaws of new life".

In a recent interview Miley Cyrus called herself “one of the biggest feminists in the world.” And by "biggest" she means "nudest".

The government is pushing the development of a car that would stop operating if the driver is drunk. In response, Taco Bell will convert all drive-thrus to walk-thrus.

A New York judge found a woman guilty of stalking Alec Baldwin. The judge also banned Baldwin from playing "Words with Stalkers".

Amazon has made a deal with the U.S. Postal Service to deliver packages on Sundays. And no one is more excited by the news than barking dogs.

Kanye West and Kim Kardashian were recently seen scouting thirty acres of land. "Please, no!" said the land.

A Roomba in Austria lit itself on fire, in what's being called the first robot suicide. And authorities say they believe any suicide note was probably vacuumed up.
  

A new poll reveals that Congress is less popular than torture. Which is why the next election may see representatives losing their seats to dentists.
 

Angela Lansbury doesn't like NBC's plans to remake "Murder, She Wrote". Because it'd seem dated unless changed to "Murder, She Texted".

Scientists in Sweden have developed an invisible bike helmet. "Now if only they'd develop an invisible bike rider," said motorists.

PBS has renewed "Tavis Smiley" for two more seasons. When reached for comment, Tavis was, well..smiley.

This week, the Guinness World Record was set for the largest group of people dressed as penguins. They've broken the record that was previously set at a waiters convention.

A new study shows 65% of social media users get their news on just one social network. But if you're on Google+, you haven't gotten the news that no one else is on there.

Two college professors in Belgium found that a library copy of "Fifty Shades of Grey" contained traces of herpes. Which is why it's been dubbed "the book that keeps on giving".

It’s been announced that the Fifty Shades of Grey film will be released on Valentine’s Day. In other words, the only guys getting action that night are ticket takers.

Tesla has announced a plan to build pickup trucks. They say the target demo is pretentious hillbillies.

Scientists say the world needs to prepare for unpredictable pandemics from viruses making the leap from animals to people. Which might explain why Lamar Odom has been trying to split from Khloe Kardashian.

A British scientist claims to have found a safer alternative to alcohol that produces a similar feeling without the negative effects. "What's the point?" asked college students.

A new study shows 65% of social media users get their news on just one social network. And if you're on Google+, you haven't gotten the news that you're all alone.

California has proposed a new bill that would require porn stars to wear protective goggles. Experts say if passed, the new rule may lead to a new fetish called "shop class".

Jimmy Fallon said he knows who his first guest will be when he takes over the Tonight Show. And Jay Leno says he knows who Fallon's last guest will be when he loses The Tonight Show.

topical monologue jokes

Lindsay Vonn told Katie Couric that her boyfriend Tiger Woods is funny and goofy and always making jokes. She said her favorite joke of his is the one about a golfer and two hookers walking into a bar. 

Starbucks has announced a plan to hire 10,000 veterans in the next few years. Which is why the Marines has changed its slogan to "The Few, The Proud, The Future Baristas".

This week Vice President Joe Biden accidentally dialed a wrong number when calling to congratulate the newly elected mayor of Boston. Even more embarrassing, the person at the other end was Dzhokhar Tsarnaev.

A recent report shows that there was a surge of job growth during the month of October. Mostly because Chris Christie kept his job and was still growing.

Marvel Comics is bringing back Ms. Marvel as a teenage Muslim girl. Her superpower is the ability to be invisible within her culture.
 
A high school in Massachusetts is getting complaints that a dinosaur statue on campus promotes homosexuality. Because the dinosaur is a herbivore.

A California man celebrated his 100th birthday this week by jumping out of a plane. He said he got the idea after being forced to watch "Last Vegas".

A new report says the CIA is paying AT&T $10 million to explore their phone records. But in a few years the CIA will be eligible for a free upgrade.
 
Mike Duggan, a former prosecutor and hospital chief executive, won the Detroit mayoral race on Tuesday. He said he's excited to get started and move his family into the mayor's cardboard mansion.

This week the student body president of one of the nation's top Christian college's admitted that he's always been an atheist. But he says he chose a Christian college for of all the opportunities to have hot, premarital abstinence.

Mary-Kate Olson said that when she and Ashley were in front of cameras, they never really felt like actresses. Because even after the camera added ten pounds they still couldn't be seen.
 
This week the co-founder of Pinkberry was convicted of assault. It stems from his original charge, which was by the ounce.

An NYU student was rescued after being stuck in the gap between two buildings for 36 hours. But on the bright side, he says he has a new favorite place to study.

Pitbull will host this year's "American Music Awards". Or as viewers will call it, "the day the music died".

Over the weekend, Oprah Winfrey held a yard sale at her house. The only item that didn't sell was her tv network.

All remaining Blockbuster stores will close by next January. So if you thought "I work at Blockbuster" was a bad pickup line, wait until you hear "I used to work at Blockbuster".

Chris Christie has officially won his re-election as Governor of New Jersey. Officials credit Christie with choosing to run on a platform that could actually support him.

Kellogg's is laying off workers because of falling cereal sales. Employees found out when their cereal box prizes turned out to be pink slips.

Google is launching a new service called Helpout to connect experts with advice seekers online. For instance, when asked for help finding a social network, experts answer with "not Google+".

This week the Sochi 2014 Winter Olympics torch will be taken to space. And if karma exists, it'll be hit by a gay asteroid.

After an acrobat fell and was hospitalized with an injury, Cirque du Soleil has removed its stunt known as the "Wheel of Death". Though they plan on replacing the stunt with Lindsay Lohan driving her car.

A man in Las Vegas is planning to sell one of his testicles in exchange for $35,000. It's being described as the most baffling thing done for money since the filming of "Last Vegas".

In a recent interview, actress Blake Lively says she eats all the chocolate she wants, and doesn't feel the need to hire a personal trainer to stay in shape. "Oh shut up!" said women.

jokes

During Halloween celebrations on the "Today" show, Matt Lauer dressed as Pamela Anderson in "Baywatch". Then he had the person dressed as David Hasselhoff fired.

Google claims that their self-driving cars are now safer than any human driver. While Bing claims their self-driving cars are definitely not being pulled out of a ditch right now.

The Jonas Brothers announced that they have officially broken up. Officials say the cause is "uncreative differences".

Astronomers have discovered a planet that's just like Earth, except thousands of degrees hotter. And Al Gore says it's because no one there drives an electric car.

Kim Kardashian says that giving birth was "the easiest thing ever." Then she thanked her doctors for getting it all done in one take.

Snooki claims that JWoww is responsible for gay marriage becoming legal in New Jersey. While New Jersey claims that they're both the reason for legalized abortion.

A woman in North Dakota was criticized this week when she decided to hand out letters instead of candy to obese children. As a result, the obese children now have paper cuts on their tongues.

The emergency manager running Detroit testified Monday that the city's finances were "shocking." He said finances were so bad that he could only pay the gas bill after visiting a Coinstar.

In China, a man who was having trouble finding a girlfriend cut off his own penis. Which actually helped him find a new girlfriend: Lorena Bobbitt.

Dell has offered to replace laptops that smell like cat urine. Unfortunately the offer is to replace them with litter boxes.

According to a recent poll, 11 percent of California drivers admit to engaging in sexual activity while driving. More specifically, they admit that the most common sex act is getting bent over by traffic.

Hump Day jokes

Computer scientists say they can predict when a couple will break up using the information they share on Facebook. For instance, they can tell a couple is doomed when a person's status is "In a Relationship with Taylor Swift".

A man in Georgia recently ran into a burning house to save his beer. Though when he got inside he realized it was too late, because he'd already drank it all.

The doctor convicted of killing Michael Jackson was freed early from jail as part of California's plan to reduce prison overcrowding. The move is also part of California's plan to reduce pop star overcrowding.

EA Sports announced that they will no longer produce Tiger Woods video games. But gamers who want to continue playing as Tiger can still bang hookers in Grand Theft Auto.

In China, a man who was having trouble finding a girlfriend cut off his own penis. Which actually helped him find a new girlfriend: Lorena Bobbitt.

A Walmart employee recently asked permission to pray aloud while at work. So now instead of greeting customers he'll be greeting Jesus.

A new study found that sex burns more calories than going for a walk. Unless it's a walk of shame.

British Cargo ships have reportedly been playing Britney Spears songs to scare away Somali pirates. Because if pirates have one weakness, it's earplugs.

It's being reported that Senator Rand Paul plagiarized a speech from Wikipedia. For instance, his speech ended with the footnote "clarification needed".

This week the World's Tallest Man got married. The man asked her to get married by getting down on one knee while she got up on one ladder.

In an effort to improve their relationship with its employees, Walmart plans to promote 25,000 workers. In other words, some greeters have been promoted to head greeters.

A high school student in Pennsylvania was recently suspended for dressing like a homeless person. But in the student's defense, he might've just been dressing like a hipster.

A brewery in Oregon has introduced a donut-flavored beer. So good news, tubby: now you can have your cake and drink it too!

A brewery in Oregon has introduced a donut-flavored beer. They say they expect it to be popular amongst men named Homer Simpson.

A smartphone plugin has been developed that emits a bacon smell when someone receives a text. Which is expected to create a new phenomenon: Text-fast in Bed.

Scientists are still digging for Ice Age fossils in the heart of Los Angeles after a century of discoveries. "Hey, I'm right over here!" said Larry King.

A new study suggests that the function of kissing is not directly related to sex. Said the guy trying to get into your pants.

15 More Jokes

Guy Fieri was reportedly paid $100,000 by billionaire Steven Cohen to hang out with him for a day. Though sources say Cohen spent most of the day trying to put out the flames on Fieri's shirt.

7-11 has started to sell Fine wines that cost $20. The new wines have been described as having hints and notes of Lowrider Magazine.

Two Georgia high-school students have been arrested for having sex in the school cafeteria. Officials grew suspicious after finding pubic hair in something other than the food.

A high school chemistry teacher in Indiana was fired after taking his students to a strip club. Parents should've realized something was up after receiving a field trip notice that asked students to bring singles.

New Jersey governor Chris Christie has spent almost a million dollars on food trucks that would provide aid during a natural disaster. Though he said that he's still working on the emergency aid plan for the rest of New Jersey. 

Football great Brett Favre says that he's been suffering from memory loss. Or as experts are putting it, Brett Favre's brain has announced its retirement.

A new online store is selling Super hero costumes for rodents. Rodents say the most frightening costume is "Catwoman".

This week, Apple unveiled the new iPad Air. It's called the "Air" because after you buy one that's what's left in your wallet.

Alec Baldwin called the movie business a “fetid septic tank.” Then he tried to punch it in the face.

A new bra has been invented that will send out a tweet whenever it is removed. And whenever a guy is unable to remove it, the bra will tweet a fail whale.

James Franco will star in a Broadway production of the play “Of Mice and Men." Producers said they targeted Franco for the role of the mentally disabled Lennie after watching him host the Oscars.

Ben & Jerry’s has released a new Ron Burgundy themed ice cream. Officials say it tastes just like a whale's vagina.

Snooki said that her baby boy and Pauly D’s new baby girl could be boyfriend and girlfriend. And if eventually they had their own baby, it'd be an actual orange.

A new survey shows that men are more likely to form relationships with women who wear red on a first date. And even more likely to form relationships with women who wear nothing after the first date.

Bryan Cranston from "Breaking Bad" is the narrator of a new commercial for the iPad Air. SPOILER ALERT: at the end of the commercial your wallet is shot.
 

27 Jokes Looking For A Home

"The Voice" star Cee Lo Green has been charged with one felony count of furnishing a controlled substance. His arms could not reach for comment.

A new study says that women are better at multi-tasking than men. For instance, women are better at putting on makeup while running late.

A new study reveals that candy flavored cigars are popular among kids. Also popular amongst kids: candy flavored ANYTHING.

The Obama administration said that it will give Americans who buy health insurance online an extra six weeks to obtain coverage. Which means the Obamacare website has seen its shadow.

A company in Brazil has created a mascot to promote testicular cancer awareness named Mr. Balls. Which sounds better than the mascot created in America, named Lance Armstrong.

President Obama reportedly called French President Francois Hollande to discuss alleged spying by the NSA on 70 million French citizens. Though Obama said the only suspicious activity found was one French guy actually using deodorant.

This week, Apple unveiled the new iPad Air. It's called the "Air" because after you buy one that's what's left in your wallet.

A Mexican druglord was gunned down by assassins dressed up as clowns. Witnesses described watching them all getaway in one really tiny car.

Clint Eastwood's estranged wife Dina says she's trying to rid her house of Clint's negative energy. She says the first step is to remove all of the chairs he used to talk to.

In a recent interview, Katy Perry says that "You can be the person who is standing in the way of your own success". Or in her case, the person standing in the way of her own breasts.

An American brewery has released a beer called "Dallas Blonde" that they say "goes down easy". And as expected, it's the only beer at the bar that men actually buy drinks for.

The Huffington Post reported this week that one of the most popular baby names right now is Sasha-- after Sasha Obama. While one of the least popular names right now is Healthcare.gov.

A new study suggests that spanking your children could lead to their bad behavior later in life. In other words, Billy Ray Cyrus must've spanked Miley with a foam finger.

John McCain is reportedly considering a run for re-election to the Senate. He's expected to be a popular choice amongst the key demographic of Caucasian zombies.

It came out this week that Starbucks charges 50% more for their drinks in China. So now China is beating America in the only advantage we had left: overcharging for coffee.

Dolly Parton was involved in a minor car accident this week. Of course anything seems minor when compared to her chest.

On Monday, a woman standing behind President Obama nearly passed out while the President spoke about the Affordable Care Act. Though the woman later admitted she was just working on her impression of the Obamacare website.

A columnist stirred up controversy by implying that Tiger Woods has cheated in multiple golf tournaments. When reached for comment, Woods said he'd never cheated while playing golf, but definitely before and after.

Lady Gaga has released a new duet with R Kelly called "Do What U Want". And in the music video Gaga is dressed as a urinal while R. Kelly is dressed as R. Kelly.

Dick Cheney said yesterday that he thinks the Tea Party is a positive influence on the Republican Party. It's similar to how his gun is a positive influence on other peoples' bullet wounds.

A math Professor at the University of Iowa accidentally emailed her students a homemade sex tape instead of the answer to a question. As a result, students' fathers say they can't wait for the next parent/teacher conferences.

This week in Los Angeles, a woman give birth inside a Barnes & Noble. The birth was made extra difficult because it happened in the "Self Help" section.

The new WikiLeaks movie "The Fifth Estate" flopped at the box office. The numbers were so bad that even WikiLeaks refuses to release them.

This week in New York, two men robbed a Whole Foods at gunpoint. It marks the first Whole Foods robbery that didn't involve a cashier checking out a customer.

Kanye West rented out a baseball stadium in order to propose to Kim Kardashian. And as expected, Kim had no problem snagging two foul balls.

Bob Barker has donated almost a million dollars to an animal sanctuary so it could transport 3 elephants from a zoo in Canada. Though as soon as the elephants arrived they were spayed or neutered.

Scientists have discovered that women's breasts age faster than the rest of their bodies. Though in the eyes of most men they never get old.

26 Topical Jokes You Won't Find on Buzzfeed

Creed lead singer Scott Stapp is releasing his first solo album in eight years. "Finally!" said no one.

This week Blackberry sent a statement to their customers to assure them that everything was going to be okay. However the message ended with "sent from my iPhone".

Cinemax announced the end of its After Dark programming block, better known as "Skinemax". The erotic themed shows will be missed by anyone who can't find the internet.

The state of Florida is asking for help in locating two former prison inmates that they realized should still be current inmates. So that narrows down the search to pretty much everyone in Florida.

A clerk was fired from a New Hampshire gas station for pulling out a gun to stop a robbery. The company says it's just enforcing its policy that "the criminal is always right".

A new study claims that Oreos are as addictive as cocaine. Though experts say Oreos are still less likely to lead to hookers.

After the government shutdown ended, Joe Biden welcomed back employees by giving them muffins. All while singing, "Do you know the muffin man / The muffin man, the muffin man / Do you know the muffin man, / Who lives in--wait, where are we?"

A proposed new law in Denver will make the smell of marijuana illegal. And if passed, the law would be enforced by Denver police and your parents.

During a visit to a Washington DC food bank, President Obama was seen struggling to properly seal a ziplock bag. Though officials say he was just showing off his impression of Joe Biden.

Ke$ha's upcoming tour of Australia has been canceled. Fans who bought tickets can return to the point of purchase to receive a refund or herpes.

Anthony Weiner said in an interview that if the internet didn't exist he'd be the mayor of New York. "Sure, blame the internet," said his penis.

This week the Texas Motor Speedway began serving a beer milkshake that is infused with bacon. And for an extra fee, they'll give you the suicide note.
 
A movie theater with a strict no-texting policy has banned Madonna after she was caught using her Blackberry. But Madonna argued that since it was a Blackberry, she wasn't actually able to send texts.

Nicki Minaj has unveiled a clothing line for K-Mart. It's perfect for the person who wants to express their trashy fashion sense in two ways at once.

It's rumored that Apple may release a phone/tablet hybrid. And it's expected that the only way to afford one will be with a hybrid of a paycheck & savings bond.

It's been reported that major airlines will squeeze more passengers onto flights by switching to thinner seats. Which is great news for the kid kicking the back of your seat.

New York Congressman Michael Grimm was caught spending 17 minutes inside a bar bathroom with a female companion. It marks the shortest amount of time a congressman has used to actually get something done.

A mall in Florida was shut down after a man scattered his late fiance's ashes at a LensCrafters. Mall officials then ordered the man to collect the ashes and have the urn monogrammed at Things Remembered.

The CEO of Carl's Jr. has come out against Obamacare. He says the real affordable care America deserves is a Double Western Bacon Burger.

Hans Riegel, the creator of Gummy Bears, died this week at the age of 90. His last wish was to have his coffin carried not by Pall-bearers, but by Gummy bearers.

A Federal Air Marshal has been caught taking photos up women's skirts during the boarding of a flight. The TSA apologized while maintaining that its employees are trained to notify passengers before invading their privacy.

A proposed new law in Denver will make the smell of marijuana illegal. After hearing this, New York City has proposed a similar ban on the smell of urine.

A new study shows that eating bacon can lower a man's chances of getting a woman pregnant. Which explains the new slogan "Pork: the other white condom".
 
It came out this week that former President George W Bush's blocked artery was 95 percent clogged. But on the bright side, 95 percent is the highest Bush has ever scored on anything.

According to a new poll, Chris Christie is more popular than Bruce Springsteen in New Jersey. Though Christie is still less popular in every other kind of jersey.

Despite the government shutdown, the Grand Canyon has re-opened this week thanks to state funding. And all non-essential wildlife have been ordered to report back to work.

topical monologue jokes

"Teen Mom" star Farrah Abraham says her four-year-old daughter lives her own life. Or as normal people call that, child neglect.

A new study shows that people who frequently drink wine often don't realize how much they are consuming. The study's sample size was Kathy Lee and Hoda.

Kris and Bruce Jenner announced they have separated. Also separating: Bruce Jenner's face from facial expressions.

Scientists have discovered a way to detect early signs of Alzheimer's by whether or not a person can recognize the smell of peanut butter. It's also a way to detect early signs of a stuffy nose.

Shaquille O'Neal has bought a stake in the NBA's Sacramento Kings. It's Shaq's first time buying a "stake" that doesn't come with a baked potato.

Starting in November, McDonald's will replace the toys in its Happy Meals with books. Or as kids will call them, "napkins".

Jennifer Aniston said that “Friends” was her sixth TV pilot. And the first five didn't work out because her role was recast with Angelina Jolie.

Quentin Tarantino listed "The Lone Ranger" as one of the 10 best movies he's seen so far this year. He said the film is a masterful two and a half hour homage to the really bad movies that came before it.

Tom Hanks revealed that he has type 2 diabetes. Though some suspect he's just getting into character before shooting Wilford Brimley's biopic.

CSPAN2 said that Ted Cruz’s 21 hour speech on Obamacare last month fueled a ratings spike for the network. Experts say the coverage appealed to CSPAN's key demographic: people who've fallen asleep with the tv on.

A recent report claims that Bill Clinton occasionally cheats on his vegan diet. So now, vegan diet is the projected frontrunner for the 2016 Presidential Election.

A county in California passed an ordinance that requires 3,000 dogs to be spayed or neutered. Experts say actually enforcing the ordinance will "take a lot of balls".

Graffiti and scribbles were discovered on the star honoring John Lennon at the Hollywood Walk of Fame. Officials say they don't plan to search for suspects, because "instant karma's gonna get them".

Mitt Romney's new California home will have a garage equipped with a car elevator. So now even cars are at risk for the moment everyone fears most: being trapped in an elevator with Mitt Romney.

Friday marked National Coming Out Day. Or as John Travolta calls it, "Bring your denial to work day".

A Florida man was arrested for masturbating while going through a McDonald's drive-thru window. Employees knew something was wrong when the man told them he'd be the one to hold the special sauce.

On Tuesday, the newly designed $100 dollar bill was released to the public. Then it was recalled and released to China instead.

Book Jokes From Book'd in Burbank

Last night I had the honor of entertaining LA's literary community with some book-themed humor. Below is a link to the event page and the topical two-liners I wrote for the show.

A completely bookless library has opened in Texas. It’s called the ranch of George W. Bush.
 

DC Comics says Batwoman can't get married because "heroes shouldn't have happy personal lives". In other words, DC Comics doesn't understand how marriage really works.

A new study reveals that more than 60 per cent of people have lied about reading classic novels to seem more intelligent. While the other 40 per cent try to seem more intelligent by hiding their copy of Twilight.

A Hunger Games-themed summer camp that culminates in a tournament where children simulate fighting to the "death" has opened in Florida. Even more disturbing, the camp's head counselor is George Zimmerman.

A new J.D. Salinger biography claims that he had only one testicle. Though most believe his second testicle was just really reclusive.

Following Miley Cyrus’s performance at the MTV Video Music Awards, Oxford Dictionary’s next update will include the word “twerk”. The update will also include the word “Miley” as a synonym for skank.

A new study has found that fans of romance novels are more capable of reading subtle facial cues. Of cats.

The chairman of Barnes & Noble says that he's dropped plans to buy the company’s 695 bookstores. Though experts believe he's just going to find them for a better price on Amazon.

Rush Limbaugh is coming out with a childrens' book about the true story of Thanksgiving. SPOILER ALERT: Squanto helps the pilgrims survive by teaching them how to bash Obamacare.

And finally, Marcella Hazan, author of bestselling cookbooks that brought Italian food to America, has died. She’s survived by the Olive Garden.

Topical Monologue Jokes Snubbed By The Emmys

A playground inspired by the popular game Angry Birds is set to open in China. Officials say the playground will be a nice place for Chinese kids to unwind after a 15 hour workday. 

Colombian authorities have arrested a woman who tried to board a plane while wearing a prosthetic baby bump filled with cocaine. Her cover was blown after she was asked when she was expecting, and she replied "when someone gives me twenty grand". 

Hiroshi Yamauchi, who ran Nintendo for more than 50 years, has died at 85 years old. Doctors knew Yamauchi was in trouble when he was unresponsive to their repeated attempts of blowing on him. 

Scientists say that Earth should be habitable for at least the next 1.75 billion years. Or as the unit of measurement is more commonly known, "1 Larry King". 

Miley Cyrus' new song "Wrecking Ball" has hit number 1 on the "Billboard" charts. And to celebrate, she twerked on a giant "#1" foam finger.  

The release of "Pirates of the Caribbean 5" has been delayed. Producers say Johnny Depp has been unavailable due to a worldwide shortage of scarves.

Kelsey Grammer has replaced Nicolas Cage in the new “Expendables” sequel. No word yet on if Grammer will also be replacing Cage's hair plugs.

Leonardo DiCaprio is in talks to star in a biopic about President Woodrow Wilson. The film's working title is "Hot President".

Lindsay Lohan is reportedly dating Matt Nordgren, a former football player. Lohan says Nordgren completes her, meaning he's always there to bail her out of jail.

The former head of the NSA says that Gmail is the preferred email service for terrorists. He says it's also the preferred email service for your spouse's mistress.

Kate Upton says she was offended when a modeling agency told her she was "too American, and everybody knows American women are lazy." Upton then resumed collecting millions of dollars for posing in a bikini.

  

Scientists have discovered a new species of legless lizard that lives beneath the sand dunes near Los Angeles International Airport. And they also believe that tests will prove it to be a distant relative of Steven Tyler.

A new study claims teens have reported eating more fruits and vegetables, consuming less sweets and soda, eating breakfast on weekdays more often, being more active, and spending less time watching TV. However the study's only participant was Malia Obama.

Kate Moss will pose nude in "Playboy"'s 50th anniversary issue. Just a heads up to subscribers wondering why that issue feels thinner than normal.

A study conducted by the Swedish National Food Agency confirmed rumors that anal secretions from beavers can be used to create vanilla flavoring. Which is confusing since the anal secretions typically look a lot more like chocolate.