Sunday, May 4, 2014

Topical Monologue Jokes


Sources say Fox News anchor Shepherd Smith has been demoted for wanting to come out as being gay. In fact, Fox News moved Smith from a corner office to a closet.

For the first time, the Colorado Symphony will host an event that encourages marijuana use. Or as most people call that, "a concert".

It was announced this week that Toyota will move its American headquarters from Los Angeles to Texas. As a result, the new Prius will come standard with a gun rack.

Nick Carter of the Backstreet Boys and Jordan Knight of New Kids on the Block will tour together under the name "Nick & Knight". Which is more catchy than the tour's original name, "Washed Up & Broke".

On Friday, a strip club in Washington DC was forced to evacuate due to a building collapse. Employees suspected something was up when one of the customers started to make it rain bricks.

An elementary school was evacuated after a classroom's python escaped. Authorities aren't sure how the snake escaped without having a hall pass.

Chicago is building a high school named after President Obama. And unfortunately for students, they're naming the cafeteria after Michelle Obama.

Scientists have developed a portable fertility test that will enable men to test the quality of their sperm at home. They're calling it "a laptop computer".

A recent poll found that 41 percent of New Jersey residents would like to move out of the state. While the other 59 percent said they can't move because they''re trapped under Chris Christie.

India has passed Japan to become the world's third largest economy. Japan said to keep pace, it's now transitioning to a call center based economy.

The NAACP will no longer honor Clippers owner Donald Sterling with a lifetime achievement award. Which means he's now a lock for a lifetime achievement award from the KKK.

Donald Sterling's racist comments have resulted in a lifetime ban from the NBA. It's also resulted in him being asked to write the foreword for Paula Deen's cookbook.

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