Showing posts with label monologue. Show all posts
Showing posts with label monologue. Show all posts

Saturday, January 17, 2015

Topical Monologue Jokes


A college in Kentucky says it will make video games an official sport and start offering scholarships to gamers in the fall. And to maintain their scholarships, all gamers will be required to fail random drug tests.

Kim Kardashian said it's been more challenging to get pregnant the second time around because "It's just how God works." "Yeah, it's just how I work," said Kanye West.

Two anti-torture protestors were arrested for trespassing at the home of former Vice President Dick Cheney. Fortunately for the protestors, they were interrogated by the police instead of Dick Cheney.

A new study reveals that most drinking deaths in the US involve middle-aged adults. "Challenge accepted," said college students.

Scientists have documented a female shark that appears to have stored a male's sperm for close to four years before laying an egg that grew into a healthy juvenile. In other words, scientists have discovered that sharks can wait up to four years to buy the morning after pill.

The Secret Service demoted four top officials because of security breaches at the White House, and assigned them to a less crucial post. Which means now they're in charge of babysitting Joe Biden.

Darrell Winfield, the original Marlboro Man, died this week at the age of 85. And you can attend his funeral by redeeming 80,000 Marlboro Miles.

A judge has set a bond for a Florida woman authorities say enhanced women's buttocks by illegally injecting them with cement. Even worse, before the cement dried she wrote her initials on their butts.

In Arkansas, a woman who owns a gun range has sparked a controversy after she declared the range a "muslim-free zone." She then backtracked and said that muslims are welcome to the range, as long as they're ok with wearing bullseyes.

Scientists at Drexel University have discovered a rare butterfly with both male and female traits. They've named the species Bruceius Jenneris.

Sunday, January 20, 2013

Topical monologue jokes dopier than Lance Armstrong

"Likover has never used humor enhanced jokes."
New research reveals about 35% of U.S. adults say they've used the Internet to diagnose their medical condition. And 100% of those adults then used the internet to treat their condition with porn.

On Monday authorities at Chicago's O'Hare Airport discovered eighteen severed human heads. The situation was cleared up when the heads explained that they had just returned from a trip to Mexico.


On Monday authorities at Chicago's O'Hare Airport discovered eighteen severed human heads. After an extensive investigation the heads were then offered jobs as TSA screeners.

The U.S. Air Force says a search of its facilities has turned up tens of thousands of items it considers to be "offensive, inappropriate or pornographic." Or as it's called in civilian terms, "the internet".

A new survey reveals that the number of people visiting the emergency room after ingesting energy drinks has doubled in the last four years. Doctors say these patients typically arrive in "serious but annoying condition".


A new survey reveals that the number of people visiting the emergency room after ingesting energy drinks has doubled in the last four years. And to keep up with the visits, the number of doctors ingesting energy drinks has also doubled.

A new survey reveals that the number of people visiting the emergency room after ingesting energy drinks has doubled in the last four years. The wait in emergency rooms has become so long that to stay awake patients just chug another 5 Hour Energy. 

Oprah Winfrey said she was "mesmerized and riveted" by her interview with Lance Armstrong. Winfrey also said she didn't expect Armstrong to actually admit to using the Oprah Winfrey Network.

A new study finds that that the more money college students get from their parents, the lower their grades are. Which explains why Mitt Romney was so familiar with losing the 47 percent.

Astronomers have discovered the largest known structure in the universe - so large it would take 4 billion years to cross it while traveling at speed of light. They're calling it "Chris Christie's belt".

New research shows that people are more likely to remember the text from Facebook posts than text from books. Publishers say they plan to adapt by re-releasing classics such as Tolstoy's "War and LOL".


Kim Kardashian told "Today" that she had trouble conceiving a child. She said most of the trouble was due a faulty camcorder.


Kim Kardashian told "Today" that she had trouble conceiving a child. "That was a hint," said God.

A Washington woman has been accused of smothering her boyfriend to death with her breasts. The victim's family say he died doing what he and every straight man loved.

Wal-Mart has announced plans to hire 100,000 military veterans. It's all part of Walmart's new slogan: "Watch out for falling soldiers!"


Sunday, January 13, 2013

Topical monologue jokes that even Lindsay Lohan wouldn't steal

New Jersey governor Chris Christie is on the cover of Time magazine. But if you want to see the entire cover picture it's continued on page 87.



Honey Boo Boo's mother says she's protecting her kids by setting up their college trust funds. Which means it's actually the money that will be protected forever.

On Monday the chairman of Google arrived in North Korea. When hearing this even Google was like "Did you mean South Korea?"

Publisher Doubleday has announced that 'Fifty Shades of Grey' will be released with hardcovers. It makes it first book to be released that comes aroused by itself. The hardcover also means now readers can skip all of the foreplay.

Scientists have determined that the giant peach in the book James and the Giant Peach would have actually taken 2.5 million seagulls to lift in the air, not 501 as written by the author. Although scientists still can't find one seagull who'd rather lift a peach instead of crap on your car.

The Baseball Hall of Fame denied induction to Roger Clemens, Mark McGwire and Barry Bonds this year, citing steroid use. However, it's the same reason all three were unanimously inducted into the shrunken balls hall of fame.

Mike Tyson is set to have a guest role on Law & Order: SVU. He'll be appearing alongside his face tattoo.


South Carolina Police nabbed a teenager when they followed a trail of Cheetos leading from a convenience store he had robbed to a local residence where he was staying. Fingerprints taken from the crime scene reportedly match the suspect because they're "extra cheesy".





All of the McDonalds in Britain are replacing the toys in Happy Meals with books. Or as kids at McDonalds call them, "napkins".


Destiny’s Child will reportedly reunite at this year's Super Bowl. Because Beyonce needs two more people to carry her bags.


Alabama beat Notre Dame to win the BCS Championship. So Alabama is #1 in football, but they're still only #2 in obesity.