the triumphant return of topical monologue jokes

A Pennsylvania English teacher has been charged with sexual assault for having sex five times in one week with an 18-year-old male student. The student is said to be ok, other than a sore hand from all the high fives.

A man in Utah went on a hunger strike for two weeks to protest gay marriage. The hunger strike ended after he agreed to be sponsored by Chick-fil-A.
 
This week China lifted a 14-year-old ban on video gaming consoles. Chinese kids say they're happy to be able to enjoy the fruits of their labor.

Norwegian officials are outfitting as many as 10,000 reindeer with reflector cuffs on their antlers to make them more visible to motorists. Now the only way the reindeer could be more visible is if they're outfitted with Ed Hardy shirts.

A boy in India threw boiling water onto a classmate after she unfriended him on Facebook. The boy said it was more effective in getting her attention than using the 'Poke' button.
 
A couple in Oregon was arrested after they attempted to tip their waitress with crystal meth. Though the waitress must've done a nice job, because the street value was over 20% of the bill.

Xbox 360 gamers ordered $1 million of delivery pizza in four months using a Pizza Hut app. And over that same span Xbox 360 gamers ordered zero dollars of deodorant.

Kim Kardashian said the best thing she did in 2013 was have her baby girl. And by "best thing" she means "most profitable thing".

A man has been sentenced to eight months in federal prison after pleading guilty to slapping a crying baby during a flight. The baby's mother has called the man a monster while the other passengers have called him a hero.

It was revealed this week that a former child's car seat safety hotline has been converted into a phone sex line. Car seat customers realized something was up after hearing that their call would be 99 cents for the first minute.

The Cleveland Indians have begun to phase out their controversial Chief Wahoo logo. It's expected to be replaced by the less controversial "Chief Boohoo I'm Still in Cleveland".

A barber in Michigan will attempt to break a world record by giving 40 haircuts in one hour. The same barber is also attempting to break a world record by issuing 40 refunds in one hour.

A Florida woman gave birth in the parking lot of a Walmart. It marks the first time that a new arrival at Walmart wasn't made in China.

Glenn Frey of the Eagles was photographed at a newsstand buying porno magazines. In other words, make sure to honor the do not disturb sign at the Hotel California.

TLC's Chili is dating Wayne Brady. While TLC's Honey Boo Boo is dating a heaping bowl of sketti.

Bank of America has set limits on how much its employees can work due to the death of an intern last summer. For instance, interns will now be limited to making no more than eight coffee runs an hour.

Director Michael Bay walked out on a presentation he was giving because there was a problem with the teleprompter. The problem was that even the teleprompter didn't want its script linked to Michael Bay.

John Mayer and Maroon 5 will perform at an upcoming tribute to The Beatles. And with any luck, someone at the event will also perform a tribute to Mark David Chapman.

Newt Gingrich says that even though earth was warmer during the age of the dinosaurs, life was fine. "Totally," said Larry King.
 

"Teen Mom" Farrah Abraham told "In Touch Weekly" that making her sex tape ruined her life. She said now the only way to repair her image is to have one more illegitimate child for a new tv show.