Tuesday, March 19, 2013

Topical monologue jokes

A new breathalyzer is being developed that snaps into your smartphone and tells you when not to drive home. However it's still unable to tell you when not to text pictures of your penis.

On Wednesday, the Catholic Church selected its new leader, Pope Francis. He spent the first day as Pope like any new employee does: rolling his eyes during a session on sexual harassment.

A teenage skier who survived two freezing nights alone in the woods said he used skills he learned from reality television to survive. More specifically, he called mother nature a skank and then threw a wine glass at her head.

According the U.S. Census Bureau, a large number of Americans have "megacommutes" of more than 90 minutes each way to work. Or as Los Angeles calls it, driving one block.

Oprah Winfrey will deliver this year's graduation address at Harvard. And instead of graduates receiving diplomas on stage, Oprah will just tell everyone to "look under your seats!"

Music mogul Clive Davis says that prior to Whitney Houston's death, he tried getting her to quit smoking cigarettes. But instead of quitting cold turkey, she quit cold Whitney.

According to reports, a Greyhound bus was forced to stop in New Jersey on Friday after a large number of cockroaches were discovered. The bus stopped because New Jersey was final destination for the cockroaches.

Sunday, March 3, 2013

Topical monologue jokes that need to be swallowed by a sinkhole

The jokes expressed on this website do not necessarily reflect the comedic sensibility of Seth Meyers, Weekend Update, or Saturday Night Live. But if they do, and they want to give me a job, then get at me, dog!
On Wednesday, Rosa Parks became the first African-American woman honored with a statue in the hall of the Capitol. Unfortunately her statue was forced to sit in the very back of the hall.

Olive Garden hopes to turn around declining sales with lower prices and more menu options. And by more menu options, they mean offering menus for other restaurants.

A replica of the Titanic, called "Titanic II", is expected to make its first voyage in 2016. Also debuting in 2016: Iceberg II.

A new survey shows the average amount the Tooth Fairy leaves for American children's teeth has increased by more than 15% in the past year. And the average amount left for Flavor Flav's teeth depends on how gold is trading.

Ben Affleck reportedly got rid of his beard by shaving it in the hallway during the Oscar’s after party. Then he was asked to leave the party when people recognized him as the guy from "Gigli".

Scientists have used cables to connect the brains of lab rats, allowing one to communicate directly to another via cables. Though scientists say they're still years away from being able to connect the brains of congressmen.
An Indonesian woman drowned her nine-year-old son in the bath because she was worried that his future would be negatively affected by his small penis. In defense of her son's small penis, the bath water was probably just really cold.

The WWE is embroiled in a mini feud with Glenn Beck. Beck says it's an attempt to get people to take him more seriously.
A new study has found that medical students who play Nintendo video games perform better surgeries. Or as those students call it, giving patients a 1-up. 
Gwyneth Paltrow admits she should have worn a bra at the 2002 Oscars. The admission is an excerpt taken from her interview with Who Gives a Crap Magazine.

Taco Bell is the latest restaurant chain to acknowledge that its food has been adulterated with horse meat. Though if you're sober enough to remember this, then you shouldn't be eating Taco Bell anyways.
In a recent interview, Christian Slater says he thought his new fiance was a lesbian when they first met. And even stranger, Christian Slater's new fiance originally thought that he was a working actor.