Sunday, November 23, 2014

Topical Monologue Jokes That Should Be Deported

A Great Dane in Pennsylvania has given birth to 19 puppies. "Game on!" said Octomom.

NBC has cancelled its planned sitcom with Bill Cosby due to allegations of sexual assault against the comedian. Though reports say Cosby is pitching a new show to networks called "My Accusers Say the Darndest Things".

Facebook is developing a new website that people can use for work. "One step ahead of you," said people already using Facebook at work.

The Bob Marley estate has created a line of official Bob Marley marijuana that will soon hit the market. Sources say you'll be able to tell you're smoking official Bob Marley marijuana if you were overcharged for regular marijuana.

According to a new survey, the world's favorite country is Germany. While the world's least favorite country is Germany from 1939.

Video taken by scientists in the Antarctic shows seals forcing penguins to have sex with them. Even worse, the seals then make the penguins do the waddle of shame.

According to a new study, women with larger breasts tend to spend more money. More specifically, they tend to spend more of someone else's money.

U2 is releasing a series of short films inspired by their new album. It's mostly footage of people deleting the album from their iTunes.

Beyonce's sister Solange got married last weekend. And as you probably guessed, even at her own wedding she was still the bridesmaid.

Charles Manson has gotten a license to marry a 26-year-old woman who visits him in prison. Though the move has been criticized by those trying to protect the sanctity of murder.

In the midst of Buffalo, New York's massive snow storm, several men were seen looting from an abandoned Doritos truck. However the only flavor in the truck was waaay too cool ranch.

The North Korean news agency published photos of Kim Jong Un visiting a food factory. Or as most people call it, a kennel.

Saturday, November 15, 2014

Topical Monologue Jokes That Will Never Land on a Comet

A new report claims that Americans are increasingly turning to cheaper, imported Mexican meth. Experts say the only difference with the Mexican meth is that you're supposed to take it with a lime.

Scientists have discovered that half of Americans may be infected with a virus that makes them more stupid. They say the most common symptom includes an inability to stop watching the E! network.

As part of an online live stream this week, a French man spent two days looking for a needle in a haystack. The man says his next challenge will be a live stream of him looking for deodorant in France.

This week Kim Kardashian posed for the cover of a magazine that exposed her bare butt. Khloe Kardashian said she may try the same thing, because if she shows enough crack she might finally find Lamar.

Bono's luggage fell out of a private jet mid-air when a door fell off during flight. Which explains why the weather forecast was cloudy with a chance of sunglasses.

Only a week after becoming a media sensation, Alex from Target has been subjected to crude comments and death threats. Though to be fair, he does spend most of his time walking around wearing a giant bullseye.

On Wednesday, emergency crews rescued two window washers who were trapped on a hanging platform dangling from the 68th floor of the new World Trade Center building. "Bor-ing!" said terrorists.

Starbucks CEO Howard Schultz honored our military by throwing a concert in Washington DC for Veteran's Day. Though most attendees admitted they were only there to use the bathroom and wifi.

One Direction, Coldplay, Sinead O'Connor and Bono are recording a song to help in the fight against Ebola. Which means it's now officially ok to root for Ebola to win the fight.

George W. Bush says that there's a 50-50 chance his brother Jeb will run for president in 2016. And he said if Jeb doesn't run then, there's a 50-50 chance he'd run in 2017.

In a statement released Monday, President Obama called on the FCC to treat all Internet traffic the same way. Then the FCC called on President Obama to create a website that can actually handle internet traffic.

Kenneth Bae, one of the two Americans released from a North Korean prison, says he learned a lot during his 2 years of imprisonment. For instance, he learned that the only basketball player better than Dennis Rodman is Kim Jong-un.

This week during an event with the Asia Pacific Economic Organization, President Obama was chastised for chewing gum. Even more embarrassing, it was Nicorette.

On Tuesday, Kobe Bryant broke the record for the most missed shots in NBA history. Which is why he's now being referred to as the "Michael Jordan of Missed Shots".

Monday, November 10, 2014

Topical Monologue Jokes That Won't Pose Topless

A new study reveals that wearing Google Glass may obstruct a person's peripheral vision. In other words, wearing the device would make it hard to see people pointing and laughing at you.

A former NFL cheerleader has been accused of having sex with a 15 year old boy. Authorities say the boy seems to be ok other than a sore hand from all the high-fives.

Ringling Bros. and Barnum & Bailey Circus has been found at fault for a hair-hanging stunt that resulted in acrobats injured by a plunge to the ground. Now Ringling Brothers is being referred to as "The Greatest Show Falling on Earth".

Daredevil Nik Wallenda completed his record-breaking tightrope walk while blindfolded between two Chicago skyscrapers. Though it would've been even more daring if he'd attempted to walk blindfolded through the streets Chicago without getting shot.

The bus bringing the Washington Redskins to their game last Sunday against the Minnesota Vikings crashed on the way to the stadium. The final score was Washington Redskins 0, Metaphors for the Washington Redskins Franchise 1.

New York has banned priests from traveling to western African nations because of the threat of transmitting Ebola. Because the virus can be spread through inappropriate contact with children.

Wednesday, November 5, 2014

Do you like money?

Hi Facebook friend,

I'm willing to pay YOU up to $135 of my hard-earned bucks.

I'm turning to my social network to help me find romance. This is a chance to set up two of your Facebook friends and make some $$$.

Here's how it works*:

1. If you know a single, eligible lady who might be a match for me, email with their first name and phone number. I will then contact this person and attempt to set up a first date. If we have a first date, I'll give you $10.

2. If we have a second date, I'll give you an additional $25.

3. If we have a third date, I'll give you an additional $100.

About Your Referral

1. YOU, the referrer, must be a Facebook friend of mine at the date of this posting. Your referral must be a current Facebook friend of yours at the date of this posting. Your referral may NOT be a current or former Facebook friend of mine.

2. Your referral must live within 15 miles of 90404 zip code. Anything farther is a long distance relationship in LA.

About Me

1. Gainfully employed full time

2. Have a fully functioning car and comfortable living situation

3. No criminal background (except for an incident in college, but it was worth it!)

It's up to you whether you want to tell the person you're referring about the details of this experiment. But I promise to protect their identity and not exploit this in any way. This is just my earnest effort to try a new avenue.

*None of this is binding, and I don't have a team of fancy, high-priced lawyers to enforce it,--but I'm a man of my word!

Tuesday, November 4, 2014

Bonus Topical Monologue Jokes For Voting Day

In order to reverse declining sales, Red Lobster has revamped its menu so that it's now 85 percent seafood. However, sales may continue to decline because the revamped menu is still 100 percent Red Lobster.

A company has created a new app that transforms your smartphone into a breathalyzer. For instance, the app will reveal how drunk you are by counting the texts you've sent to ex-girlfriends.

A man who dressed up as a Fox News Reporter for Halloween was attacked. When questioned by police, the man stayed in character by blaming the attack on Barack Obama.

A team of scientists has reported using a baby robotic penguin to communicate with real emperor penguins. They say they got the idea from a team who used a dirty, robotic mop to communicate with Steven Tyler.

More than 13 years after the 9/11 terrorist attacks, a resurrected World Trade Center reopened for business Monday. And somewhere, Osama bin Laden must be swimming in his grave.

A security guard was fired after he admitted taking a picture of President Obama's motorcade. The man claims it couldn't have been Obama's motorcade since there was no golf cart.

Sunday, November 2, 2014

Topical Monologue Jokes That Forgot to Fall Back

The elderly inventor of the board game 'Operation' can't afford a real-life operation. But the good news is that the inventor of 'Monopoly' has offered to give him $200 when he passes Go.

Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. And in a few months a slimmer, more expensive version of him is expected to come out as gay.

This week, an eight year old boy rumored to have Ebola tested negative for the disease. However he did test positive for boogers.

A man in New York was recently arrested for masturbating while driving a school bus. Though to be fair, the man's resume did say that he's great at multitasking.

Students at the University of Pennsylvania can take a course called "Wasting Time on the Internet." The only prerequisite is a course called "Wasting Money on a Diploma."

On Tuesday, an unmanned NASA rocket exploded six seconds after launching. North Korea then accused the U.S. of stealing its technology.

The CEO of the Papa John's pizza chain attended the funeral of an employee who was killed on the job. And after arriving, he made a tribute to the fallen employee by pouring out a garlic sauce.

New Jersey has instituted a mandatory quarantine for healthcare workers returning from Ebola-affected parts of Africa. While Africa has issued a mandatory quarantine for healthcare workers arriving from Axe Body Spray-affected parts of New Jersey.

A recent study shows that eating chocolate can help improve memory. More specifically, it can help you remember when to take an insulin shot.

In order to adapt to the obesity problem in America, car companies have had to introduce fat crash test dummies. These dummies are used to simulate accidents at drive thrus.