Sunday, November 24, 2013


A new study reveals that nut eaters have a lower risk of dying of cancer and heart disease. Although they have a higher risk of dying under the wheel of a moving car.

A new study shows sex and alcohol make people more happy than religion and children. The study was conducted at college.

Campbell's is worried that soup is becoming less popular in America. It's gotten so bad that people say they'd rather enjoy a hot bowl of Congress.

Darren Criss from "Glee" did karaoke at a gay bar by singing "A Whole New World" from "Aladdin" with the woman who did Jasmine's voice in the movie. Sources say the performance was so powerful that it broke the gay sound barrier.

The "Spider-Man" musical will close on Broadway in January and move to Las Vegas in 2015. So now what happens in Vegas, stays in a broken safety harness.

Sarah Palin's Ford Expedition that she used while serving as mayor of Wasilla has been listed for sale on Ebay. The listing claims that you can see Russia from the backseat.

It was reported this week that Abercrombie & Fitch sales are continuing to decline. Though Abercrombie & Fitch scents are still as strong as ever. 

After being charged too much for bacon, a Bermuda man caused $600 worth of damage to a restaurant. Or as the restaurant knows it, three strips of bacon.

Playstation 4 gamers are complaining about a problem with the system they call "the blue light of death." While parents of Playstation 4 gamers are complaining about a problem they call "my adult son won't move out of the basement". 

A new report shows that taking an Asprin before bed may reduce the risk of morning heart attacks. But still the most reliable way to reduce the risk of morning heart attacks is to not eat McGriddles.

This week, Congressman Trey Radel pleaded guilty to possession of cocaine. In other words, now he's just a Canadian green card away from being able to run Toronto.

The surviving members of Monty Python will reunite next year for a live stage show. In other words, now the parrot may not be the only thing in the sketch that's dead.

In an interview, Brett Favre said he's dealing with early stages of memory loss. But on the bright side, eventually he'll forget about the Wrangler Jeans commercials.

Bill and Melinda Gates have awarded scientists a $100,000 grant to develop a better condom. More specifically a condom that's able to convince women to have sex with it.

In a recent interview, Kris Jenner said that she’s open to dating younger men. Or at least men who look younger because of plastic surgery.

The nation of Qatar is hosting the World Cup, and there are complaints that, from overhead, its stadium looks like a vagina. Though Qatar officials say they actually plan to cover the stadium with a dome that looks like a burka.

The Oxford English Dictionary has declared "selfie" as its word of the year. And instead of including a definition there's just a tiny mirror.

A fan who fell from the top deck of a New York football stadium and landed on a fan in a lower level has been banned from future games. Though he's now been named as the newest cast member of the Spider-Man musical.

Saturday, November 16, 2013

jokes, yo

Due to plummeting sales, the company that makes Crocs may go private. Though the people who wear Crocs will continue to go way too public.

This week in Washington state, a man was surprised when his dog brought home a human leg. Though he wasn't surprised when the dog wouldn't stop humping it.

A Florida man was arrested this week for masturbating at the DMV. Or as the DMV called it, a "moving violation".

According to a recent study, 38% of American kids age two and under have used a smartphone. While 38% of Chinese kids age two and under have built a smartphone.

A California man was arrested after attacking a taxi cab with a didgeridoo. It marks the first time a didgeridoo has attacked anything other than ears.

This week, McDonalds brought back the McRib. Which means McDonalds has been diving in their own dumpster.

Justin Bieber has recorded a new song with R. Kelly. Sources have described it as sounding like a "pissing match".

A chain of Virginia liquor stores has advertised 10% off everything on Black Friday. Or as customers are calling it, "Blackout Friday".

Mitt Romney is helping with Boston's bid to host the 2024 Olympics. So congratulations, Boston, on being runner-up to host the 2024 Olympics!

At an Apple store in Australia, a new iPad Air burst into flames. It's just the latest in Apple's long tradition of leaving customers feeling burned.

According to a survey by an online dating site, the least attractive accent is the one from Pennsylvania. While the most attractive accent is the one from big boobs.

One World Trade Center is now officially the tallest building in the United States. Which explains Al Qaeda's new motto: "Aim Higher".

A car mechanic has invented a device that helps women give birth more easily. He's calling it the "jaws of new life".

In a recent interview Miley Cyrus called herself “one of the biggest feminists in the world.” And by "biggest" she means "nudest".

The government is pushing the development of a car that would stop operating if the driver is drunk. In response, Taco Bell will convert all drive-thrus to walk-thrus.

A New York judge found a woman guilty of stalking Alec Baldwin. The judge also banned Baldwin from playing "Words with Stalkers".

Amazon has made a deal with the U.S. Postal Service to deliver packages on Sundays. And no one is more excited by the news than barking dogs.

Kanye West and Kim Kardashian were recently seen scouting thirty acres of land. "Please, no!" said the land.

A Roomba in Austria lit itself on fire, in what's being called the first robot suicide. And authorities say they believe any suicide note was probably vacuumed up.
A new poll reveals that Congress is less popular than torture. Which is why the next election may see representatives losing their seats to dentists.
Angela Lansbury doesn't like NBC's plans to remake "Murder, She Wrote". Because it'd seem dated unless changed to "Murder, She Texted".

Scientists in Sweden have developed an invisible bike helmet. "Now if only they'd develop an invisible bike rider," said motorists.

PBS has renewed "Tavis Smiley" for two more seasons. When reached for comment, Tavis was, well..smiley.

This week, the Guinness World Record was set for the largest group of people dressed as penguins. They've broken the record that was previously set at a waiters convention.

A new study shows 65% of social media users get their news on just one social network. But if you're on Google+, you haven't gotten the news that no one else is on there.

Two college professors in Belgium found that a library copy of "Fifty Shades of Grey" contained traces of herpes. Which is why it's been dubbed "the book that keeps on giving".

It’s been announced that the Fifty Shades of Grey film will be released on Valentine’s Day. In other words, the only guys getting action that night are ticket takers.

Tesla has announced a plan to build pickup trucks. They say the target demo is pretentious hillbillies.

Scientists say the world needs to prepare for unpredictable pandemics from viruses making the leap from animals to people. Which might explain why Lamar Odom has been trying to split from Khloe Kardashian.

A British scientist claims to have found a safer alternative to alcohol that produces a similar feeling without the negative effects. "What's the point?" asked college students.

A new study shows 65% of social media users get their news on just one social network. And if you're on Google+, you haven't gotten the news that you're all alone.

California has proposed a new bill that would require porn stars to wear protective goggles. Experts say if passed, the new rule may lead to a new fetish called "shop class".

Jimmy Fallon said he knows who his first guest will be when he takes over the Tonight Show. And Jay Leno says he knows who Fallon's last guest will be when he loses The Tonight Show.

Saturday, November 9, 2013

topical monologue jokes

Lindsay Vonn told Katie Couric that her boyfriend Tiger Woods is funny and goofy and always making jokes. She said her favorite joke of his is the one about a golfer and two hookers walking into a bar. 

Starbucks has announced a plan to hire 10,000 veterans in the next few years. Which is why the Marines has changed its slogan to "The Few, The Proud, The Future Baristas".

This week Vice President Joe Biden accidentally dialed a wrong number when calling to congratulate the newly elected mayor of Boston. Even more embarrassing, the person at the other end was Dzhokhar Tsarnaev.

A recent report shows that there was a surge of job growth during the month of October. Mostly because Chris Christie kept his job and was still growing.

Marvel Comics is bringing back Ms. Marvel as a teenage Muslim girl. Her superpower is the ability to be invisible within her culture.
A high school in Massachusetts is getting complaints that a dinosaur statue on campus promotes homosexuality. Because the dinosaur is a herbivore.

A California man celebrated his 100th birthday this week by jumping out of a plane. He said he got the idea after being forced to watch "Last Vegas".

A new report says the CIA is paying AT&T $10 million to explore their phone records. But in a few years the CIA will be eligible for a free upgrade.
Mike Duggan, a former prosecutor and hospital chief executive, won the Detroit mayoral race on Tuesday. He said he's excited to get started and move his family into the mayor's cardboard mansion.

This week the student body president of one of the nation's top Christian college's admitted that he's always been an atheist. But he says he chose a Christian college for of all the opportunities to have hot, premarital abstinence.

Mary-Kate Olson said that when she and Ashley were in front of cameras, they never really felt like actresses. Because even after the camera added ten pounds they still couldn't be seen.
This week the co-founder of Pinkberry was convicted of assault. It stems from his original charge, which was by the ounce.

An NYU student was rescued after being stuck in the gap between two buildings for 36 hours. But on the bright side, he says he has a new favorite place to study.

Pitbull will host this year's "American Music Awards". Or as viewers will call it, "the day the music died".

Over the weekend, Oprah Winfrey held a yard sale at her house. The only item that didn't sell was her tv network.

All remaining Blockbuster stores will close by next January. So if you thought "I work at Blockbuster" was a bad pickup line, wait until you hear "I used to work at Blockbuster".

Chris Christie has officially won his re-election as Governor of New Jersey. Officials credit Christie with choosing to run on a platform that could actually support him.

Kellogg's is laying off workers because of falling cereal sales. Employees found out when their cereal box prizes turned out to be pink slips.

Google is launching a new service called Helpout to connect experts with advice seekers online. For instance, when asked for help finding a social network, experts answer with "not Google+".

This week the Sochi 2014 Winter Olympics torch will be taken to space. And if karma exists, it'll be hit by a gay asteroid.

After an acrobat fell and was hospitalized with an injury, Cirque du Soleil has removed its stunt known as the "Wheel of Death". Though they plan on replacing the stunt with Lindsay Lohan driving her car.

A man in Las Vegas is planning to sell one of his testicles in exchange for $35,000. It's being described as the most baffling thing done for money since the filming of "Last Vegas".

In a recent interview, actress Blake Lively says she eats all the chocolate she wants, and doesn't feel the need to hire a personal trainer to stay in shape. "Oh shut up!" said women.

Saturday, November 2, 2013


During Halloween celebrations on the "Today" show, Matt Lauer dressed as Pamela Anderson in "Baywatch". Then he had the person dressed as David Hasselhoff fired.

Google claims that their self-driving cars are now safer than any human driver. While Bing claims their self-driving cars are definitely not being pulled out of a ditch right now.

The Jonas Brothers announced that they have officially broken up. Officials say the cause is "uncreative differences".

Astronomers have discovered a planet that's just like Earth, except thousands of degrees hotter. And Al Gore says it's because no one there drives an electric car.

Kim Kardashian says that giving birth was "the easiest thing ever." Then she thanked her doctors for getting it all done in one take.

Snooki claims that JWoww is responsible for gay marriage becoming legal in New Jersey. While New Jersey claims that they're both the reason for legalized abortion.

A woman in North Dakota was criticized this week when she decided to hand out letters instead of candy to obese children. As a result, the obese children now have paper cuts on their tongues.

The emergency manager running Detroit testified Monday that the city's finances were "shocking." He said finances were so bad that he could only pay the gas bill after visiting a Coinstar.

In China, a man who was having trouble finding a girlfriend cut off his own penis. Which actually helped him find a new girlfriend: Lorena Bobbitt.

Dell has offered to replace laptops that smell like cat urine. Unfortunately the offer is to replace them with litter boxes.

According to a recent poll, 11 percent of California drivers admit to engaging in sexual activity while driving. More specifically, they admit that the most common sex act is getting bent over by traffic.