Saturday, January 17, 2015

Topical Monologue Jokes

A college in Kentucky says it will make video games an official sport and start offering scholarships to gamers in the fall. And to maintain their scholarships, all gamers will be required to fail random drug tests.

Kim Kardashian said it's been more challenging to get pregnant the second time around because "It's just how God works." "Yeah, it's just how I work," said Kanye West.

Two anti-torture protestors were arrested for trespassing at the home of former Vice President Dick Cheney. Fortunately for the protestors, they were interrogated by the police instead of Dick Cheney.

A new study reveals that most drinking deaths in the US involve middle-aged adults. "Challenge accepted," said college students.

Scientists have documented a female shark that appears to have stored a male's sperm for close to four years before laying an egg that grew into a healthy juvenile. In other words, scientists have discovered that sharks can wait up to four years to buy the morning after pill.

The Secret Service demoted four top officials because of security breaches at the White House, and assigned them to a less crucial post. Which means now they're in charge of babysitting Joe Biden.

Darrell Winfield, the original Marlboro Man, died this week at the age of 85. And you can attend his funeral by redeeming 80,000 Marlboro Miles.

A judge has set a bond for a Florida woman authorities say enhanced women's buttocks by illegally injecting them with cement. Even worse, before the cement dried she wrote her initials on their butts.

In Arkansas, a woman who owns a gun range has sparked a controversy after she declared the range a "muslim-free zone." She then backtracked and said that muslims are welcome to the range, as long as they're ok with wearing bullseyes.

Scientists at Drexel University have discovered a rare butterfly with both male and female traits. They've named the species Bruceius Jenneris.