Tuesday, May 26, 2015

5 Topical Monologue Jokes The Rock Would Never Save

After six years in office, President Obama finally got his own Twitter account. Obama said he'd love to follow each and every American, but that's the job of the NSA.

One of the stars of "Teen Mom 3" is trying to raise money online to purchase a boob job. It's part of a new crowdfunding site called "Titstarter".

The Center for Disease Control and Prevention has released a map that shows the causes of death that are distinctive to each state. For instance, the most distinctive cause of death in Florida is "being in Florida".

New research shows that men who ejaculate 21 times a month can reduce their risk of prostate cancer by 22%. Though it also increases their risk by 100% of having to buy more Kleenex.

During a publicity appearance in Florida, Dr. Oz rushed to help a woman who had collapsed. Though after a few minutes of tending to her, he was forced to step away for a commercial break.

Tuesday, May 5, 2015

Topical Monologue Jokes That Won't Be Running For President

Due to protests in Baltimore, a baseball game between the Orioles and White Sox was closed to the public and played to an empty stadium. Though that didn't stop protestors outside the stadium from throwing out the ceremonial first brick.

The Food and Drug Administration has approved a drug that claims to reduce double-chin fat in adults. The drug is called "exercise".

A man pulled from the rubble of a collapsed hotel three days after the Nepal earthquake drank his own urine to survive. The man says he's lucky to be alive, and credits being able to stand the taste of urine from years of drinking Coors Light.

A new study has revealed how to differentiate between male and female dinosaur fossils. For instance, scientists know they're male fossils if they're found near a toilet seat that's been left up.

People with tattoos are reporting issues with their Apple watch. The main issue being the watches can't pretend to care about hearing the meaning of their owners' tattoos.

Scientists believe chins likely developed because humans became more social. While they say double-chins developed because humans became more social with drive-thru windows.

In response to violent protests around Baltimore, the city's mayor issued a weeklong curfew for citizens. The mayor also threatened that if Baltimore keeps it up, they won't be allowed to watch Saturday morning cartoons.

A baseball stadium hosting an Allergy Awareness Night won't sell peanut-containing products like Cracker Jacks and M&Ms. They also won't sell hot dogs, which might contain peanuts and God-knows-what-else.

Health officials say that a Liberian woman appears to have contracted Ebola from unprotected sex with a man who survived the virus. But on the bright side, AIDS is now only the second worst thing you can get from unprotected sex.

An Australian "wellness" blogger who built a successful business on claims she survived terminal cancer has admitted she never had the disease. Though she has been recently diagnosed with Brian Williams Syndrome.

Fans of Kylie Jenner are artificially altering their lips and posting pictures on social media with the hashtag #KylieJennerChallenge. Though it still sounds less painful than anyone attempting the hashtag #BruceJennerChallenge. 

Scientists in London have discovered that one's risk of obesity can be predicted by urine samples. Their discovery was made inside the urinal of a Burger King.

Betty Willis, designer of the iconic "Welcome to Fabulous Las Vegas" sign, has died. Her remains will be buried in Las Vegas, and stay in Las Vegas.