Friday, April 25, 2014

Topical Monologue Jokes I Forgot to Post Two Weeks Ago

Louisiana congressman Vance McAllister apologized after he was caught on camera kissing a female staffer. Even worse, it was shown on the U.S. Capitol building's Jumobtron.

San Francisco police are investigating a vandalism spree that resulted in four Smart Cars being tipped over. Authorities believe it's because Smart Cars use less energy to be tipped than cows.

A recent intelligence report reveals that the CIA used Red Hot Chili Peppers songs to torture a terrorism detainee. They say it was so effective that the man still cries at any mention of California".

Katherine Heigl has sued a drugstore chain because they used her image without consent. To be fair, the drugstore should've known that the only place Heigl's image can be used is in crappy rom-coms.

A Houston woman was found guilty of murdering her boyfriend with a stiletto shoe during an argument. Prosecutors say it's the first time they've used evidence entered into court from the local police and the fashion police.

A nursing home in Long Island hired male strippers to put on a show for its elderly residents. The show was stopped when residents complained of arthritis pain caused by someone making it rain.

A British movie theater was forced to cancel a screening of Noah due to flooding. The theatre says refunds were issued at the box office, two by two.

A nutrition expert says that "superfoods" like kale and quinoa are actually bad for you and should be avoided. After hearing this, Taco Bell announced a new kale and quinoa stuft burrito.

Hillary Clinton ducked out of the way of a shoe thrown at her during a speech in Las Vegas. After hearing about this, George W. Bush gave Hillary his endorsement for President.

"Girls Gone Wild" founder Joe Francis is about to become the father of twin girls. Francis says that according to the ultrasound both girls will be born topless.

Wisconsin has passed a law banning "revenge porn." So now the best way to embarrass someone in Wisconsin is with a video of them not eating cheese.

An atheist man in Orlando attacked his roommate because he thought he was Jesus. And the roommate didn't help things when he forgave the man for his attack.

Saturday, April 5, 2014

Topical Monologue Jokes Less Likely To Be Found Than A Black Box

According to new research, vegetarians are less healthy than meat-eaters. Because they're more likely to be injured from patting themselves on the back.

He's never Putin on a shirt
McDonald's says it's leaving Crimea due to reasons beyond its control. While Vladimir Putin says he's leaving McDonald's due to its policy of "No shoes, no shirt, no service."

A recent back surgery has forced Tiger Woods to pull out of the Masters. Though experts believe it won't keep Tiger from pulling out of cocktail waitresses.

According to a new study, the Internet is a big reason why more Americans are losing their religion. So to win people back, religious leaders have promised that heaven now has free wifi.

Frankie Knuckles, one of the inventors of house music, died Monday at 59. DJs everywhere were asked to honor Knuckles by not holding a single moment of silence.

On Wednesday the Supreme Court lifted limits on individual campaign contributions in federal elections. So instead of being the "Leader of the Free World", the next U.S. President will be nicknamed "Warren Buffet's bitch."

James Franco allegedly asked an underage teenage girl to meet up with him at a hotel. Though in his defense, she probably looked legal if you squint hard enough as James Franco.

OkCupid is encouraging users to avoid Mozilla Firefox due to anti-gay contributions by the company's CEO. Though Firefox users might've suspected the company was run by a homophobe when their browser didn't recognize same-sex plugins.

GrubHub, the Chicago-based online food ordering company, raised $193 million in its first day on the stock market. However those who bought shares say that Grubhub forgot to include utensils.

Donald Trump said he's talked to investors about buying the Buffalo Bills. He's also talked to investors about building Buffalo's first more-than-one-star hotel.

According to a website for people looking to cheat, the city with the most people wanting to commit adultery is Chicago. More specifically, people in Chicago are looking to cheat on their spouse with a hot Italian beef sandwich.

According to a website for people looking to cheat, the city with the most people wanting to commit adultery is Chicago. More specifically, the people in Chicago looking to cheat are Cubs fans looking for a new team.

A new study shows that zebras evolved stripes to ward off flies. While humans evolved stripes to ward off looking fat.