Thursday, October 1, 2020

The Onion Might Appreciate These Fake Headlines

I've recently submitted the following not-real news headlines as part of an application for a workshop run by The Onion. I figured instead of letting it die in the hands of a workshop gatekeeper I'd let it die on the internet!


Apple Unveils Suite of New Products that Your Parents Will Need Help Setting Up

City’s New Bike Share Program Hailed as Great Service for Those With Absolutely No Other Options

Actual Flock of Seagulls Tired of Being Confused for 80’s New Wave Band

Woman Spends 20 Minutes Selecting Nephew's Birthday Card That Won’t Even Have Check In It


President Trump Visits Casket of Ruth Bader Ginsburg to Get Paid His Respects

Coworker’s Vacation Story Overheard for Third Time This Morning
Grubhub Driver Somehow Has Nice Car

Man’s Best Friend Abandons Man for Discarded Chicken Wing 

Man Working from Home Has Trouble Adjusting to Lunch Not Being Stolen Out of Refrigerator By Coworkers

Additional Headlines:


CEO Reports That Newborn Daughter Has Outperformed Q1 Growth Forecast

Man Credits Diet, Exercise For Slightly Less Embarrassing Physique 

Despite Owning Several Instruments That Precisely Measure Passage of Time, Man Still Can’t Believe It Already Friday

Refugee In Line for U.S. Immigration Considers Hopping Into Shorter Line for Different Country


Man Yearns for Time When He Can Have Filthy Hands Again

Deteriorating U.S. Air Quality & Human Rights Sorta Reminds Refugee Seeking Better Life of Country She Escaped

Child’s Lemonade Stand Secures Pee Pee Pee Loan

Freak Puppy Mill Accide
nt Results in Goldendoodle Suffocated by Hugs


Hurricane Sally Tired of Being Compared to Older Storms


Man’s Kombucha Has Just Enough Alcohol to Make Him Feel Irrationally Confident