Thursday, June 11, 2015

Topical Monologue Jokes Too PC for College Students

An undercover operation has revealed that TSA agents failed to detect fake bombs and weapons 95 percent of the time. Though they did have a 100 percent success rate in finding travelers’ genitals.

According to a new survey, the country with the highest percentage of people confident in their bodies is Mexico. The survey was conducted by tequila shots.

McDonald's has hired President Obama's former press secretary Robert Gibbs to help fight falling sales. Which explains McDonald's new marketing push, "Would you like hope and change with that?"

The jockey for Triple Crown winner American Pharaoh says that the way to pick a winner is to check out its penis. "Duh!" said women.

A Florida man was recently arrested after arguing with his roommate and using pizza as a weapon. The man says his only regret is that he didn't swallow the evidence.

According to new research, owning cats as a child can put you at risk for bipolar disorder and schizophrenia. It also puts children at risk of becoming adults who die alone.

A new test can detect every virus you've ever gotten in your life. The test was made by studying Kesha.

A film about the history of FIFA bombed at the box office last weekend. Which is surprising, since most critics gave the film "two thumbs up for the right price".

Kim Kardashian says that she and Kanye West haven't told anyone the sex of their baby. While Caitlyn Jenner says the baby should wait to tell everyone for itself.

Senator Lindsay Graham says that since he's not married, if he's elected president he'll have "rotating First Ladies". He went on to say that he's also open to that idea even if he's not elected president.

Monday, June 1, 2015

Topical Monologue Jokes with Less Integrity than FIFA

United Airlines is facing protests after refusing to give a Muslim woman an unopened can of Diet Coke over alleged fears she'd use it as a weapon. United should've known that the only way to harm someone with soda is to make them drink it until they have diabetes.

Justin Bieber posted on Instagram that he's not religious. Though he said he does believe in spirits, like whiskey, vodka, and tequila.

Researchers are using a version of the herpes virus to fight the deadliest form of skin cancer. So skin cancer is like people: it loses any interest being with someone after seeing mouth sores.
Lamborghini is introducing an SUV called the “Urus”. Which is Italian for “impossibly tiny penis”.

An elderly couple in Illinois now has 100 grandkids. It's so many grandkids, they've had to buy a second refrigerator just to fit all of the pictures.

A new study says a healthy diet can protect you against hearing loss. Which means a poor diet can protect you against hearing why you should eat kale.

The White House photographer said Michelle Obama is the “Hugger-in-Chief”. Which was the title originally given to Bill Clinton by female interns.

The curriculum used by the Duggars to home school their kids states that semen causes cancer. While the curriculum used by real teachers states that semen causes too many Duggars.