Friday, October 21, 2016

Donald Trump's LEAKED Presidential Concession Speech

What follows is the purported transcript of Donald Trump's leaked Presidential Concession Speech:

Thank you.

(hold for applause)

Thank you, my friends.

(hold for more applause)

Thank you. Thank you, bigly.

(hold for hot piece of ass groupies charging the stage so they can be wrangled by security and held on my tour bus)

I've just called Crooked Hillary to congratulate her on winning this totally rigged presidential election. I would've emailed her my congratulations, but we know what a total disaster she is with that technology. And for the record: when I mark Crooked Hillary's email with a “C”, it doesn't stand for “Confidential”, it stands for “C U Next Tuesday”.

Crooked Hillary's supporters and campaign staff deserve special congratulations for the tremendous job they did pretending like she doesn't have serious medical issues.

And congratulations to Hillary's husband, Bill Clinton, who gets to resume “vetting” White House interns. Folks, he's ready to Make America Rape Again.

Congratulations to Hillary's wardrobe stylist for single-handedly keeping Chico's & Talbots in business. If you're unfamiliar, Chico's and Talbots are chain stores that cater to “mature” women. “Mature” is code for the type of women who only come forward with sexual assault allegations when they're decades past their prime. Just sayin'.

Folks, this is a time of tremendous challenges for America, and I pray to Trump that someone stops Crooked Hillary's 30 year streak of making America not so great. I don't know who could do it, maybe the 2nd amendment people?

I want to thank Mike Pence, my running mate. Aside from my inevitable next wife, Mike is the best choice I've ever made. And trust me, I've made a lot of great choices. Fantastic choices, really.

I want to thank Melania—who according to our marriage license, is the love of my life at the moment. Can you believe she's only 46?! We all know a woman's expiration date is the day she turns 50, which is why I've been chanting “Four More Years!” Four more years until she's decommissioned as my wife and shipped back to Slovenia. Don't worry, she doesn't understand a word I'm saying right now. Melania would have been a wonderful first lady, but she'll have to settle for being a wonderful third wife.

I'd like to thank my former campaign manager, Corey Lewandowski. Corey was the battery that kept the campaign running--as in “assault and battery”. Man, does that guy know how to punch a protester! He's got a bright career ahead of him. I've recommended him to my good friend Don King.

I want to thank my sons: Eric, and Donald Jr., and also the really young one. What's his name again? Anyways, Eric and Donald Jr. really stuck out their necks for me, which showed what they're made of. It also showed what their jawlines are made of: nothing.

Thank you to my daughters, Ivanka and Tiffany. Despite what people say, I have zero sexual interest in either of you. Because that'd be illegal. And I respect the law as much as I respect women.

I'd like to thank Governor Chris Christie for always having my back—which is a great back by the way--believe me, my doctor says so. Any disagreements Governor Christie and I had during the primary was just water under the bridge he'd closed illegally.

I'd like to thank former New York City Mayor Rudy Giuliani. I've heard people say that Rudy Giuliani shows the symptoms of suffering from a stroke, and they're right—a stroke of genius for supporting Donald Trump.

Thank you to Paul Ryan, Reince Preibus, and the entire Republican party. I couldn't have done “it” without you. And when I say “it”, I mean lose this rigged election to Crooked Hillary.

And thanks to everyone here and across the country who supported our campaign, even though it meant enduring constant ridicule from total pussies. I hope you grabbed those pussies by the pussy and showed 'em not to screw with you.

Let's face it folks, America is a total disaster right now. Americans are using their phones to catch imaginary monsters, when they should be using their phones to call INS and catch the real monsters—foreigners.

We're getting killed in trade by the Chinese, and we're getting killed in math and science by the Chinese-American immigrants in our very own schools. Sad!

Jobs are leaving the country faster than ever. Just a few weeks ago a job left NBC's Today Show. Which proves that no one is safe, not even the Bush family.

I had the best plan to lead this country, but unfortunately the people rigging this election have spoken, and I will not be the person to Make American Great Again. Your loss!

In closing, you're welcome, everyone! For the endless hours I worked to Make Politics Entertaining Again. And may Trump bless America. I am the best. You're welcome. You're really tremendously welcome.

And follow @realDonaldTrump on Twitter for a live-tweet of Crooked Hillary's entire presidential term.

Tuesday, July 26, 2016

Jokes for the Republican & Democratic National Conventions

Last month I was asked to submit jokes for a "confidential political special" about the Democratic & Republican National Conventions. Here's what I came up with (WARNING: MANY--ARGUABLY, ALL--OF THESE ARE REALLY, REALLY DUMB):

I’m here in Philadelphia, where Hillary Clinton is the first woman in American history to serve as a major party candidate for President. Or as historians are calling it, she's broken the pantsuit barrier.

It's nice to see Donald Trump show his support for the host city by painting his face the same color as a Cleveland Browns football helmet.

Look at all of these protesters. I wonder how many of them had to take the day off from unemployment.

“As a member of the Westboro Baptist Church, you've protested funerals for military officers, homosexuals, and celebrities. But is this the first time you've protested the funeral of an entire political party?”

The Democratic Convention is being covered by 20,000 credentialed media members from around the world and broadcast by all major television networks in the United States. There's more slime balls being filmed here than the last Ghostbusters movie.

The only thing at this convention less secure than Hillary Clinton's emails is Bill Clinton's pant zipper.

The last time Philadelphia held the Democratic Convention was in 1948, which is also the last time Bernie Sanders held a hairbrush.

Jeb Bush has decided to skip the convention because he's trying to distance himself from anything that might be too popular.

Donald Trump is the first major party nominee since 1940 who hasn’t held political office or a military rank. Of course it's hard for Trump to hold anything because of his tiny hands.

Only 18 of the nearly 2500 delegates at the Republican National Convention are black. And of all 50,000 convention attendees, only 1 is orange.

All of Philadelphia's 6,000 hotel rooms are booked for the Democratic National Convention. Though there's still space for young, attractive women to crash in the Bill Clinton suite.

Bernie Sanders is at the Democratic convention in an attempt to flip superdelegates. Which will be tough, because he doesn't even look strong enough to flip an Olsen twin.

The Republican National Convention is tasked with approving a platform to guide the party, and making sure the platform doesn't shatter under the weight of Chris Christie.

It's only the first day of the convention and Bill Clinton has already been caught staring at the cleavage on the Liberty Bell.

Media outlets have reported that Donald Trump had a tough time deciding whether to choose his daughter as his running mate or his life mate.

“Would you say the Democratic candidate nominating process is unfairly rigged? Or is it just fairly rigged?”

"Why did you volunteer for the National Convention? Was it because you wanted to help showcase your city and provide a positive experience for guests? Or because you wanted a new crappy shirt to wear while cleaning your kitchen?”

“How do you expect Bernie to push Hillary left when he can't even push his hair left with a comb?”

Chris Christie is expected to have a prime speaking role at the convention. He’s also expected to have a prime rib.

Here's a group of protesters called 'Stand Together Against Trump'. And after the convention they'll be reuniting to 'Stand Together in the Unemployment Line'.

“How'd you receive the details for this convention gala? Did Hillary send you a confidential invite from her hotmail account?"

The Democratic convention will host 6,000 delegates and alternates representing 50 states, the District of Columbia, six U.S. territories, and most corporate interests.

There are over 10,000 volunteers for the Democratic National Convention in Philadelphia. Jobs range from managing phones, delivering boxes, transporting attendees, assisting the press, and taking harassment from Bernie bros.

Sunday, March 20, 2016

Topical Monologue Jokes That Busted Your Bracket

A video has surfaced of a man urinating onto a factory assembly line for Kellogg's cereal. Which explains why the new slogan for Rice Krispies is "Snap, Crackle, & Flush".

Chipotle is offering free burritos in an effort to combat the appearance of empty stores. The offer is also expected to help combat the appearance of empty hospital beds.

North Korea's supreme court has sentenced an American student to 15 years of hard labor. But on the bright side, the student hasn't even graduated college yet and he's already found a job.

After five seasons, CBS has cancelled its crime drama "Person of Interest". It's being replaced by the new crime drama "Person of Hopefully More Interest".

Uber has announced that it will now make one-way trips from the US to Mexico. They're calling the new service Uber Trump.

Monday, January 4, 2016