Sunday, October 26, 2014

Topical Monologue Jokes

Every episode of "Friends" is coming to Netflix next year. Subscribers will be able to find the show under the section "Because You've Watched This A Billion Times Already".

A Washington man has been accused of having sex with a woman after hypnotizing her. He's being charged with false impersonation of Ryan Gosling.

ABC is making a sitcom about a soccer player who comes out as gay. The show was pitched to ABC by your high school's football team.

NBA player Amar'e Stoudemire says he's been bathing in red wine to help with the circulation of his red blood cells. While Kathy Lee and Hoda say they've been bathing in red wine to help with the circulation of their bullshit on tv.

David Letterman's cue card guy was fired after attacking one of the show's writers. He should've known better, because it was #1 on Letterman's Top Ten Ways to Get Fired From Letterman.

A Chicago area prison guard is accused of smuggling sandwiches stuffed with marijuana into the jail for prisoners. The other guards became suspicious when an inmate referred to his sandwich as a BL-THC.

Toys R Us has decided to stop selling Breaking Bad action figures because they depict the wrong image of crystal meth. Because the right image of crystal meth means obsessively cleaning up toys instead of playing with them.

Researchers have discovered the earliest fish species to reproduce using sexual intercourse. The discovery was made in Larry King's porn collection.

Thursday, October 23, 2014

Topical Monologue Jokes For Bookish Types

The following are jokes I wrote and performed at Book'd in Burbank, "a bookish social gathering that treats book lovers to an evening of author readings and literary entertainment."

Kobo, an electronics manufacturer, has released an e-reader that works even after getting wet. In other words, it’s 50 Shades of Grey proof.

A popular literary website has collected some of the worst typos in history, which includes "Thou shalt commit adultery." That typo was found in the Ten Commandments from Bill Clinton’s nightstand. 

Bestsellling novelist Nick Hornby has argued that readers should immediately put down difficult books if they aren't enjoying them. "No shit!" said college students.

This fall, a floating pop-up library is opening on New York's Hudson River. Or as hobos are calling it, a cruise ship.

B.J. Novak, actor from The Office, sees his children’s book as a “gateway drug to literature.” While children see his children’s book as a coaster for their Xbox.

An 86-year-old great-great-grandmother has published her first romance novel. It's the story of a woman who falls in love with a box of hard candies.

Kim Kardashian has plans to publish a book of selfies. The book’s working title is “Instagram”. 

Game of Thrones author George R.R. Martin is lending his influence to a New Mexico Senator running for re-election. Which means instead of being attacked with ads, opponents will be attacked with dragons.

Amtrak has selected 24 writers out of 16,000 applicants to ride a long-distance train and write. While the remaining applicants have been selected to continue loitering inside Starbucks.

A 37 year old man has broken the Guinness World Record for Harry Potter memorabilia, with a collection of over 3,000 items. His home has been declared the "Mecca for virgins".

Book It, a program that rewards young readers with free Pizza Hut, has expanded to include adults. Also expanding to include adults:  sweatpants.

Former President George W. Bush plans to publish a biography of his father, former President George H. W. Bush. Historians expect it to be the first presidential biography written in crayon.

Before his death, writer Elmore Leonard chose to have his crime novel archives housed in South Carolina instead of Detroit. But Detroit is still considered the best place for housing actual crime.

Simon & Schuster is releasing a new book that’s collected every Bob Dylan lyric ever recorded. And they say eventually they’ll offer a version that’s been translated into English.

Tuesday, October 7, 2014

A single topical monologue joke

Adam Sandler has agreed to star in and produce four feature films exclusively for Netflix. Netflix subscribers will be able to find the films under the section "Because You Watched Unfunny Crap".