Saturday, May 10, 2014

Topical Monologue Jokes Drafted Before Johnny Manziel

Kim Kardashian said she fears raising her daughter in a world where racism is "still alive." While all other mothers fear raising their daughters in a world where Kim Kardashian is still alive.

During a White House Cinco De Mayo celebration, President Obama warned his guests to be careful with the margaritas because they'll, "sneak up on you." Because after they sneak up on you, they'll also read your emails.

Miley Cyrus says that she's the "poster child for good health." Even stranger, Billy Ray Cyrus says that he's the "poster child for good haircuts."

HGTV has fired the twin brother hosts of a new show called "Flip It Forward" due to reports that they're anti-gay activists. HGTV said it'll continue to support gay culture by airing programs about homes and gardens.

A gang named The Miley Cyrus Gang has reportedly been attacking people in the city of Joliet, Illinois. More specifically, attacking their ears.

"Meet the Press" is being criticized for having on as political commentator last Sunday. Though to be fair, he did address the global threat of rising tensions in da club.

In the wake of the holiday security breach, Target's CEO has officially stepped down. He said now he plans to spend more time with his family's data.

Former Limp Bizkit frontman Fred Durst has directed a new commercial for eHarmony. Not to be outdone, the new commercial is reportedly being directed by Chumbawumba.

A group of friends who rented an RV for a bachelor party discovered a dead body inside one of its compartments. The group said the best part is that they weren't even charged extra.

Sunday, May 4, 2014

Topical Monologue Jokes

Sources say Fox News anchor Shepherd Smith has been demoted for wanting to come out as being gay. In fact, Fox News moved Smith from a corner office to a closet.

For the first time, the Colorado Symphony will host an event that encourages marijuana use. Or as most people call that, "a concert".

It was announced this week that Toyota will move its American headquarters from Los Angeles to Texas. As a result, the new Prius will come standard with a gun rack.

Nick Carter of the Backstreet Boys and Jordan Knight of New Kids on the Block will tour together under the name "Nick & Knight". Which is more catchy than the tour's original name, "Washed Up & Broke".

On Friday, a strip club in Washington DC was forced to evacuate due to a building collapse. Employees suspected something was up when one of the customers started to make it rain bricks.

An elementary school was evacuated after a classroom's python escaped. Authorities aren't sure how the snake escaped without having a hall pass.

Chicago is building a high school named after President Obama. And unfortunately for students, they're naming the cafeteria after Michelle Obama.

Scientists have developed a portable fertility test that will enable men to test the quality of their sperm at home. They're calling it "a laptop computer".

A recent poll found that 41 percent of New Jersey residents would like to move out of the state. While the other 59 percent said they can't move because they''re trapped under Chris Christie.

India has passed Japan to become the world's third largest economy. Japan said to keep pace, it's now transitioning to a call center based economy.

The NAACP will no longer honor Clippers owner Donald Sterling with a lifetime achievement award. Which means he's now a lock for a lifetime achievement award from the KKK.

Donald Sterling's racist comments have resulted in a lifetime ban from the NBA. It's also resulted in him being asked to write the foreword for Paula Deen's cookbook.