Saturday, March 29, 2014

Topical Monologue Jokes Also Uncoupling from Gwyneth Paltrow

Gwyneth Paltrow told E! that when you're a mother it's harder to be a movie star than it is to hold an office job. And she says anyone who doesn't believe her can ask her butler's assistant.

To protest Russia's invasion, Ukranian women are refusing to have sex with Russian men. So take note, men, that Ukranian women won't put out on the first invasion.

Scientists are doing research to find proof that bisexuality exists. The research includes a night out barhopping with Andy Dick.

Hobby Lobby went before the Supreme Court to argue that they shouldn't have to pay for employee birth control. Hobby Lobby's defense was that anyone wearing a Hobby Lobby uniform isn't actually having sex.

In Missouri, elephants escaped from the circus and damaged cars in the parking lot. Even worse, it's been reported that the elephants were uninsured.

According to a new study, potential business investors prefer to get pitches from handsome men. While the Chicago Cubs prefer to get pitches from kindergartners.

Supporters of an initiative to legalize marijuana in California have received permission to begin gathering signatures. Unfortunately they totally can't remember where they left their pens.

Jimmy Carter said that he doesn’t use email because he thinks the NSA is monitoring it. And also because his grandkids haven't shown him how to use it.

At a recent town hall meeting, Governor Chris Christie told a 3-year-old boy that he's tired of all this "damn snow". He says it's his job to shutdown roads, not Mother Nature's.

Members of the Wu-Tang Clan say they'll sell just one copy of their new album. "Hey, me too!" said Vanilla Ice.

An Indiana brewery is launching an official "Star Trek" beer. The brewery says it's the only beer they'll sell that when poured won't get any head.

Saturday, March 22, 2014

Topical Monologue Jokes That Will Bust Your Bracket

A Michigan teacher gave non-alcoholic beer to a class of fifth graders as part of a history lesson. He said, "On this day in history, I was fired as your teacher."

A 67 year-old woman in London claims that the key to looking young is sperm facials. Which is why her husband has nicknamed his penis the "Fountain of Youth".

At a museum in Milan, a student broke a 19th century Greco-Roman statue while trying to take a selfie. Fortunately for the student, he was able to fix the statue in photoshop.

According to a new study, people believe they are more talented and skillful than they really are. The study was based on Kanye West.

Starbucks plans to sell alcohol soon in thousands of locations. Which means the next time a barista misspells your name it's probably because you're slurring.

A reported sex tape featuring Chris Christie in a gangbang has been revealed to be a fake. Though there is footage of Christie screwing thousands of people in their cars on a New Jersey bridge.

A new report states that giant Burmese pythons are able to navigate back home over great distances. But only after their wives make them stop to ask for directions.

A 27-year-old medical student is auctioning off her virginity online. Or as it's known in med school, a "one-night residency."

The White House is starting a new website on climate change. And to promote the site, President Obama will appear in the comedy sketch "Between Two Dead Ferns".

A California college student was arrested on Monday for plotting to bomb the LA subway system. He's been charged with the attempted terrorism of empty benches.

Prince William says that he and Kate Middleton are not currently planning to have any more children. While Prince Harry says he's not planning to have any more children that he knows of.

In response to the crisis in Crimea, President Obama has imposed sanctions against Russian officials. For instance, they'll be blocked from watching his sketch comedy video with Zack Galifianakis.

95% of voters in Crimea voted to secede from Ukraine and join Russia. So Ukraine literally lost by a landslide.

A man is reportedly trying to blackmail Kris Jenner with a sex tape. Experts say if the tape leaks, it may threaten to help Jenner's career.

A woman in Florida set a man's car on fire after he refused to buy her a McFlurry. Or as that's called in Florida, "a compromise."

Pamela Anderson has posed nude for a French magazine at age 46. When asked to describe the photos, a magazine rep said the pictures are worth 1,000 implants.

Senator Rand Paul compared the Republican Party to Domino's Pizza. Then he went as far as to compare the Democrats to El Pollo Loco.

Victoria Beckham got a treadmill desk so she can work out and get work done at the same time. And in a few weeks her treadmill desk willl be able sit in the garage and collect dust at the same time.

President Obama said that if his daughters get a tattoo he'd get a matching one to prove that it's uncool. Or he could make the same point by just showing his daughters a picture of shirtless Fred Durst.

To celebrate his wife's birthday, Billy Crystal threw a scavenger hunt. Unfortunately to get the clues, guests had to endure his opening song and dance number.

Due to its coverage of the search for the missing Malaysian airliner, CNN's ratings have more than doubled. Though ratings are also probably up because of the missing Piers Morgan show.

The NFL wants singer M.I.A. to pay $16.6 million for giving the finger during the 2012 Super Bowl halftime show, claiming it hurt the league's reputation. Because the only people allowed to hurt the NFL's reputation are NFL players.

A music teacher in New York has been arrested for stealing marching band instruments so she could buy drugs. Officials say right now the going rate for a gram of heroin is four tubas.

In Maine, a man’s neighbors called 911 because they thought his gun tattoo was an actual gun. Though the man DID have the gun's permit tattooed on his back.

Hawaii police are urging lawmakers to keep an exemption in state law that allows undercover officers to have sex with prostitutes. They're also urging lawmakers to keep the exemption a secret from their wives.

Sunday, March 16, 2014

Topical Late Night Monologue Jokes To Read When You've Blacked Out

During a recent festival performance, Lady Gaga was puked on. Though to be fair, she was dressed as a toilet.

Earlier this week a graphic on Fox News misspelled "spelling bee." Then later it got worse when Fox News misspelled "Obama" as H-i-t-l-e-r.

After missing a costume change during a concert, Miley Cyrus had to run onstage in just her underwear. Or as Lena Dunham calls it, "overdressing".

On Wednesday night the U.S. Capitol was left in darkness due to a power outage. Sources say Joe Biden was able to keep busy by reading ghost stories.

The Los Angeles Lakers have announced that Kobe Bryant will not play for the rest of the season. Despite this, experts predict he'll still lead the Lakers in scoring.

According to a new survey, Buffalo is the most affordable city in America. Which makes sense because anyone living in Buffalo is there because they can't afford somewhere better.

A right-wing pastor says that Disney's "Frozen" is encouraging children to be gay. Which is especially true if children watch "Frozen" alone with a priest.

In Seattle, a Subway worker used a sandwich knife to scare off a robber. The employee has been promoted from "Sandwich Artist" to "Head of Sandwich Artist Security".

After the first month of legalized marijuana in the state, Colorado collected $3.5 million in tax revenue. Or as they're calling it, potheads paying to fill potholes.

Paul Stanley of KISS says he wants the band to continue even after he's gone. "Way ahead of you," said the band's accountant.

Sunday, March 9, 2014

Topical Late Night Monologue Jokes Threatening to Invade Ukraine

A new study shows men drinking in bars often sexually harass women who aren’t interested. Or as most men call it, “flirting”.

Oscar Mayer has launched a version of Lunchables that's aimed at grown-ups. It's the perfect meal for adults who still have their lunch packed by their parents.

Three third-graders in California were caught smoking marijuana. Teachers became suspicious when the students actually wanted seconds at the school cafeteria.

Radio Shack said it plans to close over 1,000 stores in an attempt to turn around its fortunes. And if that doesn't work, their plan is to ride a time machine back to the '80s.

Kurt Busch will try to become only the second driver to complete the Indianapolis 500 and the Coca-Cola 600 on the same day. Though even more challenging is anyone who attempts to watch both races on the same day and stay awake.

An Ohio fifth-grader was suspended after he pointed his fingers in the shape of a gun and pretended to shoot a fellow classmate. Though in the boy's defense, he also approached the classmate and pretended to surgically remove the bullets.

A Walmart shopper in Kansas lost a tooth during a fight over the self-checkout machine. Even worse, it was the man's only tooth.

A Walmart shopper in Kansas lost a tooth during a fight over the self-checkout machine. It's why Walmart has changed their slogan to "Watch out for falling prices and teeth".

A woman in New York won a $2 million lottery after using numbers she saw in a fortune cookie. Though she should've known because the fortune read "You will need a financial manager."

Monday, March 3, 2014

Topical Monologue Jokes Cut Off By the Orchestra at the Academy Awards

The first Oscars ceremony in 1929 only lasted fifteen minutes. In fact, it was so short that the orchestra cutting off speeches was cut off by another orchestra.

Amtrak is testing a promotion where they offer free rides to writers. Amtrak got the idea from the writers' parents.

Delta publicly apologized to a passenger who was told she couldn't breastfeed her infant son. Though they've reminded passengers who aren't nursing to keep their breasts in their full upright and locked position.

A high school student in Indiana recently rented a billboard in order to ask a girl to prom. Though he hurt his chances because instead of leaving his phone number he left his exit number.

This week In New York City, a woman gave birth in the middle of a crosswalk. Officers knew something was up when they stopped and frisked the woman and found an umbilical cord.

Several experts are claiming that posing for selfies is helping to spread head lice. It's also helping to spread the amount of creepy Facebook 'Likes'.

This week the Pentagon announced plans to shrink the size of the US Army. The plans include jumping into a really cold swimming pool.

CNN has canceled "Piers Morgan Live". Though Piers Morgan didn't believe it until he'd heard it from a better news source than CNN.

Due to high salaries, American Idol is set to lose money this year. So instead of being told they're going to Hollywood, contestants who pass the show's audition will be told "You're going to Inglewood!"

Actress Judi Dench has revealed that due to poor vision she's unable to read scripts or watch films. In other words, she sounds like the person who greenlights Tyler Perry's movies.

Two men in New York were arrested after video cameras caught them trying to have sex with dairy cows. Though the men claim they weren't trying to have sex; they were only trying to get to know the cows.

Taco Bell is planning to launch a new breakfast menu. They say the new menu was inspired by the "wake and bake".

A drunk Michigan man accidentally killed himself while demonstrating gun safety techniques to his girlfriend. His girlfriend said, "If you think that's bad, you should've seen him demonstrate techniques for safe sex."

A South Carolina man was arrested for trying to pay at Applebee's with a one trillion dollar bill. The server realized the bill was fake after holding it up to the light and using common sense.

When asked about playing Tinker Bell in NBC's version of "Peter Pan", Miley Cyrus says she'd rather choke on her own tongue. "Sounds great to us," said everyone.

A British man complained to Domino's on Twitter that he burned his penis severely while having sex with one of its pizzas. Domino's says the man should've waited ten minutes for the pizza to cool down if he wanted to have safe sex.

Pope Francis announced an overhaul of the Vatican’s bureaucratic duties by creating a new administrative position. Qualified applicants are encouraged to apply, specifically anyone with experience screening calls from God.

1000 people lined up outside the Golden Nugget casino in Atlantic City for just 50 job openings. "I like my chances," said a candidate who sucks at math.