Wednesday, August 28, 2013

Topical monologue jokes

An Australian man had a fork removed from his urethra after stuffing it there in an attempt to achieve sexual gratification. His first words after surgery were, "stick a fork in me, I'm not done."

LinkedIn announced it will start allowing high school students to register for the website. And most students who join can expect their peers to endorse them for acne.

It's been reported that sales of razors are down due to the popularity of beards. In response, Gillette announced plans to release a razor featuring its new zero blade technology.

Police in Texas are searching for two men who entered a Walmart and sprayed a substance that harmed customers. Authorities have determined the sprayed substance to be deodorant.
Last weekend a hacker managed to post on Mark Zuckerberg's personal Facebook account. Experts believe the account was hacked because the Winkelvoss twins had the original idea for Zuckerberg's password.

For the first time Monday, Amber Alerts were sent directly to the cell phones of Californians. While a select few cell phones of Californians also received Carlos Danger alerts.

On Tuesday, George W. Bush underwent heart surgery for a blocked artery. Or as Bush called it, an invasion of his heart to find WMDs.

On Tuesday, George W. Bush underwent heart surgery for a blocked artery. Though when asked how the procedure went, surgeons said "Mission Accomplished".

A company in Japan is now offering Pepsi flavored Cheetos. And for those watching their weight, they're offering Diet Pepsi flavored baked Cheetos.

In Seattle, police officials plan to educate the public on marijuana law by handing out 1,000 free bags of Doritos during Hempfest. In other words, free Doritos will be available to the first two attendees.

Researchers say babies can pick up language skills while they're still in the womb. Which is why Kanye and Kim's baby can already say "ME! ME! ME!".

Students and parents in Kentucky say the healthy school lunches touted by Michelle Obama "taste like vomit". In other words, they taste just like the unhealthy school lunches.

In the midst of their marital struggles, Khloe Kardashian says husband Lamar Odom went missing for 72 hours. Or as E! Entertainment reported it, the Kardashians had trouble keeping up with Lamar.

A hospital in Ohio is renaming its emergency center after Abercrombie and Fitch. Patients will be treated on a first come, first served if hot basis.

Kelly Osbourne said after the VMAs that Miley Cyrus should put her tongue back in her mouth. Osbourne also said she return the toe to the camel.

Two boys in Florida recently found the body of a 10-foot hammerhead shark washed up on shore. Authorities believe that because it was Florida, the shark had merely swam its ground.

Monday, August 5, 2013

Topical jokes that might make a robot laugh

Anthony Weiner's campaign manager has quit his campaign for New York mayor. Weiner said there were no hard feelings, and then proved it with his camera phone. 
Japan has launched a talking childlike robot toward the International Space Station. So far its only words have been "Are we there yet?"

Producers of the Broadway musical "Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark" are looking for a new lead actor. They say the new lead should be someone who's comfortable in a body cast.

On Friday, a contract dispute led to Time Warner pulling CBS-owned channels from its cable lineup. Or as viewers are calling it, "Can't See TV".

On Saturday, Barack Obama celebrated his 52nd birthday. He said he was overwhelmed by all of the kind "Happy Birthday" messages passed along to him by the NSA.

According to "TMZ", Lindsay Lohan wants to live a life that's free of alcohol. Though people closer to her say she actually meant a life of free alcohol.

An executive from HBO has been named the new U.S. ambassador to Spain. Which means the relationship between Spain and the U.S. is about to get a lot more full frontal nudity.

A northern Minnesota town has re-elected a 4-year-old boy as its mayor. The little boy ran on the platform of no new veggies.