Sunday, March 29, 2015

5 Topical Monologue Jokes That Won't Make the Final Four

In a new movie directed by Ryan Gosling, Christina Hendricks plays a woman who loses her face. It marks the first time a woman has had to say, "Excuse me, but my eyes were up here."

McDonald's is launching a new line of lifestyle clothing. The line consists entirely of dirty sweatpants.

Charlie Sheen criticized President Obama for filling out an NCAA bracket because he says it's a waste of Obama's time. Joe Biden agreed, saying Obama could've used the time to help him build a pillow fort.

The Mayor of Chicago is floating the idea of renaming one of the city's airports after President Obama. He's also considering renaming one of the city's garbage dumps after Joe Biden.

Steve Nash has retired from the Los Angeles Lakers after not playing in one game this entire season. Which means he's also expected to be named the Lakers' MVP.

Friday, March 20, 2015

5 Signs That L.A.’s Spring Has Sprung

After enduring another Los Angeles winter plagued by the cold, wind, snow, and ice in the posts by friends on Facebook, I’m happy to report that springtime has finally arrived in Southern California! Our climate is famously devoid of any seasonal change, so it can be difficult to discern one season from the next. But the following context clues signify when L.A.'s spring has officially sprung:

1. L.A. dogs have shed their winter coats and Ugg boots.

2. Spectators return to the beaches to watch the annual migration of tourists-about-to-get-parking-tickets.

3. Women have traded wearing yoga pants for buoyant, flower-print dresses draped over their yoga pants.

4. Dudes remove their knit beanies after leaving the coffee shop.

5. Seasonal plants and flowers begin budding and blooming around the discarded mattresses in your neighborhood.

Monday, March 9, 2015

Topical monologue jokes that should be run over by Suge Knight

Designers have developed a fabric that makes celebrities appear invisible to paparazzi. The fabric is made entirely from Pauly Shore's wardrobe.

Kanye West tweeted that the title of his new album is "So Help Me God". West says he came up with the name after overhearing his daughter.

Researchers in Australia have discovered two new species of peacock spiders. The discovery was made when one researcher heard another researcher scream like a little girl.

Pop star Justin Bieber is begging Seth Rogen to roast him in the upcoming Comedy Central special. Though sources say the only way Rogen would roast Bieber is if he was packed into a bong.

A new study published about average penis size was based on over 15,000 measurements. The study was conducted by your ex-girlfriend the week after she dumped you.

Scientists say newly identified compounds in spider venom could help treat chronic pain. The way it works is all pain leaves the body after you've died from a spider bite.

AOL has produced a new half-hour reality show called “Connected." AOL says the show will be released exclusively on a cd-rom that you've thrown in the trash.

In "Sharknado 3", the Vice President of the United States will be played by Ann Coulter. And in an event bigger casting stunt, the President of the United States will be played by Joe Biden.

A construction worker is suing Michael Bay for getting hurt while working on his mansion. Though Bay says he gave fair warning that his home is rated PG-13 for intense sequences of action and violence.

Canadian "Star Trek" fans are honoring Leonard Nimoy by sketching Spock on their five dollar bills. And to honor themselves, "Star Trek" fans are sketching women who can't run away.