Sunday, June 30, 2013

Topical monologue jokes that aren't getting any younger

A company in Idaho has launched a line of bullets laced with pork. Or as Chris Christie calls that, "friendly fire".

The company that makes "Sesame Street" has laid off ten percent of its workforce. Employees found out when the theme song was changed from "Can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?" to "Can you tell me how to get to the unemployment line?" 

Five longtime cast members will not be returning to "Glee" next season. Some speculate that the characters will be killed off the show in a tragic jazz hands accident.

On Friday, the NHL champion Blackhawks held a hometown victory parade through the streets of Chicago. The team lifted the Stanley Cup in front of thousands of fans, but only to keep it from being shot.

A Tupac musical may be headed to Broadway. It's expected to appeal to the coveted demo of people who'd never, ever see a Broadway show.

This weekend, President Obama is making his second visit to Africa. Or as Donald Trump is calling it, "homecoming". 

On Wednesday, Kimberly McCarthy became the 500th prisoner to be executed in Texas. Death row officials recognized the milestone by showering her with confetti and giving her a gift card good toward her next execution.

Justin Bieber has been banned from a Las Vegas indoor skydiving facility. A manager for the facility said Bieber will have to go elsewhere if he wants to simulate his career.

Paula Deen's hometown in Georgia has plans to transform her childhood home into a museum. The town's officials say museum goers would be eligible for discounted tickets by mentioning the promo code "N word".

A movie based on Fifty Shades of Grey will come out next August. Though a sneak preview is already available online if you Google "porn".

Jay-Z's new song has lyrics inspired by Nirvana's "Smells Like Teen Spirit". Which means, everyone will just sing along even though they're not sure what Jay-Z is actually saying.

Mark McGrath of Sugar Ray says the band's next album will be released for free on their website. The move is being described by music critics as a "complete ripoff".

Liam Neeson is reportedly signing a $20 million deal to do Taken 3. The story will be based on a famous actor taking an entire movie studio hostage in exchange for $20 million ransom.

The University of Notre Dame is releasing its own fragrances for men and women. Alumni say they're excited to fall in love with a scent other than their own farts.

CNN announced that it is bringing back its show "Crossfire." Though no one believes it since the source is CNN.

Anthony Weiner's lead in a poll for the Democratic New York City mayoral nomination is due to responses of people who were who were reached by cell phone. Experts say it's no surprise that Weiner is doing well amongst voters who can sext.

Kim Kardashian and Kanye West reportedly gave friends fake baby photos so they could catch people who were trying to sell the photo. They want to know who they can trust, and who deserves a guest spot on their reality show.

According to a new poll, only thirty percent of Americans are engaged and inspired at their jobs. The other seventy percent didn't answer because they were busy playing Candy Crush.

A company in Idaho has launched a line of bullets laced with pork to be used against Muslims. Upon hearing this, Chris Christie announced that he'd take a bullet for any Muslim.

For no charge, the New England Patriots will let fans exchange their Aaron Hernandez jerseys in July. However so far the only jerseys fans are trying to return are Tim Tebows.

Caesars Entertainment Corp. has cut ties with Paula Deen and removed her name from four of its restaurants. Caesars says that the restaurant names may change, but customers can still expect the same level of quality heart attack.

The former L.A. chief of police is launching a social network that's like Facebook for cops. Which means the "poke" function will be more effective since it'd be with a gun.

Sunday, June 23, 2013

Topical jokes more troubling than Paula Deen

A new study suggests that moderate drinking may not be harmful during pregnancy. The study was conducted by that drunk, pregnant woman talking to you at happy hour.

A new study says that men with "restless leg syndrome" have a higher risk of death. While women with "restless leg syndrome" have a higher risk of twerkin'.

Republican Congressman Michael Burgess said he opposes abortion because he's seen sonograms of male fetuses masturbating while in the womb. In the male fetuses' defense, how else are you supposed to pass the time when you're trapped in a dark place for 9 months?

Kim Kardashian and Kanye West have named their baby North West. Which will now be known as the direction most likely to lead to a therapist's office.

FBI Director Robert Mueller admitted that the bureau has used surveillance drones inside the United States. He said the drones have provided evidence that an alarming number of Americans are now involved in watching "The Bachelor".

James Franco is asking the public to contribute money to fund three movies based on his short stories. But public response has been weak, because the stories are based on the time he hosted the Oscars.

Kanye West kept a camera crew out of the delivery room when Kim Kardashian gave birth. After telling the camera crew they couldn't enter, West was then asked to do one more take.

Kanye West kept a camera crew out of the delivery room when Kim Kardashian gave birth. He said, "No offense, but between my ego and Kim's ass, the room is at capacity."

Los Angeles Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa told a radio station that he plans to eventually run for governor of California. And when he says he's qualified for the office, he's referring to his experience cheating on his wife.

New research suggests that autism may be linked to chemicals in air pollution. Though the smog in Los Angeles only appears to be linked to wannabe autists.

As part of Paula Deen's apology for racist comments, she said, "The color of your skin, your religion, your sexual preference does not matter, but it’s what's in the heart." In other words, cholesterol.

A beagle-boxer-basset mutt was the upset winner at the 25th annual World's Ugliest Dog Contest. It narrowly edged out the favorite for World's Ugliest Dog, a Steven Tyler Terrier.

For a limited time, Target is selling watermelon-flavored Oreos. And instead of consumers dunking the new Oreos in milk, Target expects the them to be dunked in tears.

A new study shows that high school boys in Los Angeles are twice as likely as the national average to have an eating disorder. Experts believe it has less to do with body image and more to do with having to fit into skinny jeans.

A new study shows that high school boys in Los Angeles are twice as likely as the national average to have an eating disorder. And now that it's big in Los Angeles, experts expect eating disorders to become popular with high school boys throughout the rest of the country.

The Jersey Shore town of Wildwood has passed a law banning baggy pants on the boardwalk. More specifically, they've defined baggy as anything that doesn't reveal a panty line.

Justin Bieber tweeted that he has a new movie coming out this year. The movie's working title is "Fast & Furious: Calabasas".

A private plane carrying George W. Bush was diverted to Louisville last weekend after the pilot reported the smell of smoke. Upon inspection, the pilot was able to determine that the smoke originated from George W. Bush making s'mores.

During a concert in England, Rihanna got rid of a fan who wouldn't let go of her by hitting him with a microphone. The fan suffered only minor injury and is expected to go running right back to Rihanna.

To replace the fired Selma Blair, Charlie Sheen's show "Anger Management" has sent out a listing seeking an actress, who is "gorgeous," "sexy" and who "hates" herself for "becoming attracted to Charlie." In other words, they're looking for Sheen's next ex-wife.

"Sesame Street" has unveiled a new Muppet whose father is in jail. The Muppet learns what it's like to live in jail by visiting Bert & Ernie.

Sunday, June 16, 2013

Corny topical jokes to tell your dad on Father's Day

Business in the front, divorce party in the back!

Billy Ray Cyrus and his wife have filed for divorce. Sources say the couple are splitting on the grounds of irreconcilable hairdos.

Famed Los Angeles helicopter reporter Bob Tur has announced plans to have a sex change to become a woman. Or as Tur reported it, "watch out for a nasty collision between a scalpel and my penis".

A man is suing his doctor after a botched operation left him with an erection that lasted eight months. Though to be fair, the doctor was Kate Upton, MD.

Lenny Kravitz is designing the sets for Queen Latifah's new talk show. As expected, Kravitz's new work is being wildly praised by dull, white people.

Evelyn Kozak, the world's oldest Jewish, person has died at age 113. Her family says she died doing what she loved: complaining about how cold she felt.

In a recent interview, Kanye West said that he's the "Steve Jobs of culture". Apple responded to West's comment, calling him the "Kanye West of bullshit".

A Nazi commander living in Minnesota lied to US immigration about his WWII involvement. He faces a maximum punishment of being sentenced to life in Minnesota.

Former NFL player Chad Johnson was sentenced to 30 days in jail for slapping his lawyer's butt in court. Johnson's future cellmates say they can't wait to show him the "proper" way to slap butts.

According to CNN, Google interns make on average almost six thousand dollars per month. Though according to Vince Vaughn and Owen Wilson, you can make millions more by just pretending to be Google interns.

After news of the NSA spying scandal broke last week, sales of George Orwell's "1984" rose almost 6000% on Amazon. In other words, Americans are protecting their privacy by hiding in the last place the government would find them: behind a book.

A one-armed woman has been crowned Miss Iowa. She was then taken into custody on suspicion of murdering Harrison Ford's wife.

Cher is performing on the season finale of "The Voice". Cher's preparing for "The Voice" by having a plastic surgeon perform on "The Face".

This week, M. Night Shyamalan revealed that he was the ghostwriter of “She's All That.” The news comes on the heels of America revealing it was the ghost audience of "After Earth".

Hillary Clinton has signed up for Twitter. Though it appears her account was hacked after tweeting a lewd picture of her pantsuit.

A Chicago woman has racked up 396 arrests spanning 35 years. The rap sheet has earned her the nickname the "Michael Jordan of Chicago".

While at the Cannes Film Festival, Leonardo DiCaprio reportedly had sex with seven different women. Sources say it's part of DiCaprio's research for his upcoming portrayal of Wilt Chamberlain.

Saturday, June 8, 2013

Topical monologue jokes probably being monitored by the NSA

"Hello, Chuck E. Cheese? This is President Obama speaking."

Police dragged three topless protesters from outside the German chancellery where they were pleading for the release of fellow activists jailed in Tunisia. Though so far the only release they've inspired is the video "Protesting Girls Gone Wild". 

President Barack Obama has declared that America is "going to have to make some choices" in balancing privacy and security. Which is different than the choice Americans usually make, "plain or pepperoni".  

A team of researchers at the University of Minnesota have developed a tiny helicopter that's controlled exclusively by human thought. Which explains why the helicopter keeps trying to crash into other helicopters' genitals.

Justin Bieber has bought a ticket for a flight on Virgin Galactic's spaceship. He says we wants to know what it feels like to speed 17,000 miles per hour through space instead of his neighborhood.

Vermont has passed a bill to become the 17th state to get rid of criminal penalties for the possession of small amounts of marijuana. Or as it's known there "Ben & Jerry's Law".

An actress from "Vampire Diaries" and "The Walking Dead" has been arrested in connection with ricin-laced letters sent to President Obama and New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg. The woman claims it was all part of her plan to audition for "Homeland".

Domino’s Pizza has carried out the world’s first pizza delivery by drone. After hearing about this, Chris Christie drew a target on his gut.

A New York soccer mom has been busted in a multimillion dollar marijuana grow operation. Other soccer moms grew suspicious when she replaced the orange slices at halftime with brownies.

After getting kicked in the head during a concert by Miguel, a young woman is being tested for brain damage. The incident would mark the first time Miguel caused brain damage with his foot instead of his music.

On Friday, former MTV star, Kristin Cavallari, and Chicago Bears quarterback, Jay Cutler, were married in a secret Nashville wedding. But as expected, news leaked when Cutler's secret was intercepted by another team.

After being struck by lightning, a Florida-bound plane was forced to land in New Jersey. When learning where they were headed, passengers prayed for lightning to strike twice.

A controversial renovation of Wrigley Field may result in new outfield signs that block the view of Chicago Cubs games from neighboring rooftop seats. Or as Cubs fans will call those seats, "the best ones in the house".

A year after being approved by federal regulators, Belviq, a new weight loss drug, is now available for adults who are obese or overweight and have at least one serious medical condition. In other words, Americans.

A Cleveland Indians baseball player has been charged with misdemeanor drug possession after marijuana was mailed to his home in his dog's name. Authorities say he probably should've named his dog something more discreet than "Pothead".

Barack Obama has defended a formerly secret program by the National Security Agency to collect the phone records of Americans as a necessary safeguard against terror threats that the public never knows about. As an example, he says it's already thwarted a plot by Joe Biden to continue crank calling Chuck E. Cheese.

Saudi billionaire Prince Alwaleed bin Talal has sued Forbes magazine for libel, alleging its valuation of his wealth at $20 billion was short by $9.6 billion. To be fair, Forbes didn't realize Alwaleed had an extra $9.6 billion until he dug it out of the couch cushions.

New Hampshire has posthumously emancipated 14 slaves who fought in the Revolutionary War and asked state lawmakers for their freedom more than 230 years ago. So now those freed slaves are finally free to roam about their own graves.

According to a new study from the ACLU, African Americans were nearly four times as likely than whites to be arrested on charges of marijuana possession. However, whites were four times as likely to smoke and then harm themselves with Taco Bell.

The annual charity auction of a private lunch with billionaire investor Warren Buffett went for just more than $1 million. Buffett said it'll be the first time in a while that he's sat down to lunch with someone who's poor.

A new study says at least 1-in-3 U.S. smokers will die from the habit. While the other 2 will die in a state of nicotine-induced euphoria.

Pope Francis revealed Friday that he never wanted to be pope. "Could you come into my office for a sec," said God.

It was revealed on "Keeping Up with the Kardashians" that Bruce Jenner now spends time at a second house away from wife Kris Jenner and their brood. Khloe Kardashian says she doesn't approve of the situation because it puts extra strain on the family's camera crew.

CNN plans to launch a new daily morning show. They say the show will provide them an opportunity to spend the rest of the day making corrections.

A San Francisco man has been sentenced to three years in jail for abducting his two young children and taking them away on a stolen yacht. He was found guilty of setting the bar way too high for other dads.

Saturday, June 1, 2013

topical jokes more predictable than will smith's movie

SPOILER ALERT: Will Smith is in this flick
A Japanese man said that masturbating three to five times a day for two months caused him to lose nine pounds. It's part of a new fitness program he's calling P90-XXX.

A porn company is making a parody version of Keeping Up with the Kardashians. Though they say they're having trouble finding the right guy to play the part of Khloe.

A woman who went to a Rihanna concert claims that while there, a lipstick sample gave her herpes. Or as Ke$ha fans call it, "a souvenir".

Students in Kansas City have built a car that needs tweets, Facebook likes, and Instagram photos to run. Though it's also been reported that the car will stall out when friended on Myspace.

For an upcoming mission to Mars, NASA is developing a 3D printer that can make pizza. Which is good because Mars is way outside of Earth's delivery area.

Scarlett Johansson might play Hillary Clinton in an upcoming movie. Upon hearing this, Bill Clinton asked to play the role of Bill Clinton.

Google is working on creating wireless networks for more remote parts of the world, such as sub-Saharan Africa and Southeast Asia. It's all part of a plan to provide everyone on Earth the access to ignore Google+.

On Thursday, the UCLA Medical Center performed the world's first live-tweeted brain surgery. Things got really awkward when one of the surgeons tweeted #oops.

It's been reported that Phillip Seymour Hoffman has completed a 10-day detox program in rehab after a relapse in drug addiction. Sources say Hoffman's recovery is going so well that they expect it to receive an Oscar nomination.

An asteroid the size of 9 cruise ships harmlessly flew past Earth on Friday. Though Carnival passengers say you can't compare the asteroid to cruise ships since it wasn't on fire and filled with poop.

Part of Disneyland had to be evacuated after a container of dry ice exploded in a Toon Town trash can. The only reported injury was a Toon Town character who was hit by the explosion and saw floating stars.

A Chinese food company will pay over 4 billion dollars for American pork producer Smithfield Foods. Experts have described the massive acquisition as both "sweet and sour".

Officials say a Walt Disney World patron on a ride with her grandson found a loaded gun on her seat. Witnesses described the gun as being the quickest way to the front of the line.
New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg is the latest high profile politician to receive an envelope containing Ricin. While Chris Christie has admitted to receiving multiple packages of rice 'n' beans.

A teakettle that looks similar to Hitler has sold out on JCPenney’s website. As a result, they're now selling teakettles that look similar to Anne Frank, but instead of whistling they stay quiet.

Joe Biden says the U.S. and Brazil are ready for a deeper relationship. Also ready for a deeper relationship: Biden's foot and mouth.

The CEO of McDonald's claims he lost 20 pounds while still eating meals at the fast food restaurant every day. Though experts say he could lose even more weight if he wasn't so full of crap.

A former Microsoft executive has announced plans to make marijuana a brand in the US. And if the brand becomes the Microsoft of marijuana, users can expect to crash while smoking.

The Cleveland man who become an overnight celebrity after he freed three women believed to have been held captive for a decade is now commanding a public speaking fee of $10,000. Or as he knows it, 10,000 value menu items from McDonald's.

A new study says that habitually drinking diet soda is just as harmful to your teeth as being addicted to meth. Though meth still trumps diet soda in effectiveness for weight loss.

Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart have split up. Stewart said she lost interest after finding out that Pattinson wasn't already married with a wife and kids.

Shia LaBeouf will use a body double for graphic sex scenes in the new movie "Nymphomaniac". In other words, Shia LaBeouf will only be appearing in the credits.

CBS pulled an episode of "Mike & Molly" because it involved a Tornado. After hearing this, NBC announced that it's giving the Tornado a sitcom.

A gospel singer is suing McDonald's, claiming her voice was ruined after she bit into a piece of glass that was in a chicken sandwich. McDonald's says they have no idea how something that nutritious got into their chicken sandwich.