Monday, September 29, 2014

topical monologue jokes more flimsy than the new iPhone

A Virgin America flight had to make an emergency landing when a passenger wouldn't stop masturbating. Flight attendants became suspicious when they noticed only one seat experiencing turbulence.

The son-in-law of Osama Bin Laden has been sentenced to life in U.S. prison. Though he said he's still dreading it less than any time he was invited to have dinner with his in-laws.

Pizza Hut is testing healthier “Skinny Slice Pies”. Or as customers will call them, "appetizers".

A Wisconsin man developed a medical condition which makes him have 100 orgasms a day. Doctors say the best way to treat the condition is with absolutely nothing.

Justin Bieber tweeted Wednesday that he busted his eardrum cliff diving. As a result, cliff diving has been awarded the Congressional Medal of Honor.

A Virgin America flight had to make an emergency landing when a passenger was masturbating mid flight. Even more disturbing, the passenger was reading a copy of Skymall magazine.

Scientists says that water on Earth is older than the sun and solar system. More specifically, the water in Larry King's swimming pool.

Thursday, September 25, 2014

The Do's and Don'ts of Being a Co-Best Man

Here's a piece I wrote for my friends at Laugh Staff:

Congratulations, you're going to be a co-best man!

Yes, that's right--the groom has taken a role traditionally reserved for one person and delegated the responsibilities to two people, because he realizes that the sum of his two best, degenerate friends is the closest thing he has to one competent best man. So far I've had this co-honor twice in my life.

Being a co-best man is what it's like when a football coach sends more than one captain for the coin toss; a team only needs one captain to call "heads" or "tails", but the other captains are there to shake hands, appear useful, and keep the others out of jail.

As a seasoned co-best man, I'd like to provide any novices with some important Do's and Don'ts to consider as you assume this role:


Confer with the other co-best man about what kinds of activities he thinks should happen at the bachelor party.


Listen to him if he says no strippers.


Be the co-best man who convinces the other co-best man to upgrade from a regular hotel room to the penthouse suite for the bachelor party. Why? The penthouse suite has like a whirlpool AND a fireplace in it, man.


Be the co-best man who puts down the rental deposit for the penthouse suite. "Deposit", in the context of a bachelor party, is the shortest possible way of saying "money that you might as well throw in the fireplace of your penthouse suite after you've destroyed the whirlpool". Make the other co-best man assume any financial responsibility.


Collaborate with the other co-best man on the co-best men speech.


Make your co-best men speech an Abbott and Costello routine. Especially if "Who" was a stripper from the bachelor party. ("Who's on first?" "No, Who's on stage. And I'm out of singles.")


Live-tweet the bachelor party.


Post any incriminating pictures to MySpace. No one will ever find them there.


Let the groom do anything he'd regret if his wife found out.


Blame the other co-best man if this actually happens.

And thus, the overarching lesson is that being a co-best man is just like being a regular best man, except that you have someone else to shoulder all blame and liability, if you play your cards right. Well, that's all the co-best man wisdom I have to pass along for now. Good luck!

Saturday, September 20, 2014

topical monologue jokes that should be suspended by the NFL

A company in Japan has created a virtual reality experience that simulates squeezing a woman's breasts. Or as guys call that, "a produce stand".

Scientists at Arizona State University are developing a jet pack that can help soldiers run a four-minute mile or students make a ten second beer run.

A man tried to throw a football filled with drugs into a state prison yard. In other words, the Baltimore Ravens have a new starting quarterback.

The UN chief has named Leonardo DiCaprio the UN Messenger of Peace to promote action on climate change. Because for years DiCaprio has been responsible for the climate change inside women's panties.

A man running for office in New Jersey dropped out of the race after reports surfaced that he shouted racial slurs in a diner while mooning patrons. But on the bright side, he's now eligible to become an NBA owner.

Radisson Hotel is suspending its sponsorship of the Minnesota Vikings, saying they're concerned about the recent controversies. Though it's not all bad news for the Vikings, as they've picked up the sponsorship of the Minnesota State Prison.

Apple reported they got 4 million iPhone 6 orders on the first day. And on the second day they got 4 million orders for the iPhone 7.

During a concert in Australia, Kanye West told a person in a wheelchair to stand up. To be fair, this would actually be easier than getting Kanye West to shut up.

Martha Stewart says that Gwyneth Paltrow needs to be quiet and stop "trying to be Martha Stewart". Though she says she'd be ok with Paltrow trying to be the Martha Stewart who was locked in prison.

VH1 has renewed "Dating Naked" for a second season. Producers say in season two viewers can expect to see even more pixelation.

The FBI has spent a billion dollars to develop new facial recognition technology. Though they admit the technology is still flawed because it can't recognize Bruce Jenner.

A Michigan man tried to throw a football filled with drugs into a state prison yard. He's been charged with illegal procedure and forced to back up 10 yards.

Rob Ford has endorsed his brother's bid for Mayor of Toronto, saying that "Toronto needs Doug Ford as Mayor." After hearing this, political experts say that Rob Ford must be smoking crack.

This week Apple released instructions on how to remove U2's new album from users' iPhones. The instructions include taking the phone and fumbling it into a toilet.

Gerald Depardieu says that he sometimes drinks 14 bottles of wine a day. "Game on!" said Kathy Lee and Hoda.

Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger are reportedly getting divorced. The couple is separating based on "irreconcilable songwriting".

The Ferguson police officer who shot Michael Brown testified before a grand jury. Though it was difficult to understand his words through the riot control mask.

Bill Clinton encouraged Scottish voters to vote "No" on Thursday's referendum for independence from Britain. He also encouraged them to cheat on Britain with Belgium.

University of Pennsylvania was voted #1 party school. The vote was conducted by Yeah Right! Magazine.

Doctors treating an Ebola patient say that eating Ben and Jerry's ice cream may have cured him. Because the diabetes forced them to amputate his whole body.

A life-sized statue of Amy Winehouse was unveiled in London. Though shortly after the unveiling the statue was taken to rehab.

Two inmates escaped last Saturday night from a detention facility in New Jersey. Officials believe the inmates waited until prison security guards became distracted by themselves in the mirror.

Last Sunday "The Star Spangled Banner" turned 200 years old. "Welcome to the club," said Larry King.

According to a recent study, wind turbines kill fewer birds than cats. Which might explain any cats disguised as wind turbines.

A new study claims that American waistlines are increasing, especially in women. The study was conducted by men after their weddings.

Tuesday, September 16, 2014

pumpkin flavored topical monologue jokes

GM will introduce a new car that allows hands-free, foot-free driving. Or as most people already call that, "texting while driving".

Olive Garden is offering a new deal that gives customers unlimited pasta for 7 days for just $100. Also included with the Olive Garden deal:  unlimited shame.

According to a new study, lesbians get more orgasms then straight women. The study was conducted by your ex-girlfriends.

In the wake of their highly publicized domestic assault incident, Ray Rice and his wife say they've found religion. Which makes sense, because they heard it's a stairway to heaven instead of an elevator.

This week, an Alex Rodriguez Linkedin profile surfaced online. You can tell it's really Rodriguez's profile because of how many endorsements he's received for "injecting steroids".

Lights on Broadway were dimmed Tuesday night in memory of Joan Rivers. Though a more appropriate tribute would've been to make the lights look twenty years younger.

In Oklahoma, a McDonald's sign fell on a patron's car right outside the restaurant. Though a manager assured customers that the outside of McDonald's is still safer for them than what happens inside.

The NYPD is requiring that its officers take classes on how to use Twitter. While Ferguson, MO is requiring that its officers take classes on how to shoot Twitter.

A new study says that having regular family meals helps protect teens from the effects of cyber bullying. Except when teens post a picture of them eating with their family.

According to a recent report, Apple's newest iPhone can also be used as a credit card. The phone is expected to be a huge hit amongst pickpockets.

A new report claims that companies are making more of an effort to recruit female construction workers. And by making more of an effort, they mean finding female candidates and catcalling them.

Led Zeppelin says it plans to release a series of scarves that feature art from their album covers. While Aerosmith says it has plans to release a series of scarves from Steven Tyler's neck.

Charlie Sheen is giving $1,000 to a Philadelphia waiter who was stiffed by an NFL player. The waiter said the first thing he's planning to do with the $1,000 is have it power washed.