Thursday, October 15, 2015

11 ways to be an effective Couchsurfing event organizer

Learn from my triumphs and mistakes as a seasoned Couchsurfing event organizer in Santa Monica, California. The tips below will help empower you to organize your own successful Couchsurfing events.

  1. Be proactive – Visit your chosen venue one week before your event (preferably the same day/time as your event) to see if the location is appropriate for your group. Introduce yourself to the manager to discuss your needs/expectations. Even if it’s a place you’ve visited many times, contact the venue to confirm that it’ll be open and can accommodate your group. Reserve a space if possible.
  2. Be specific – Include helpful information on your event page such as: how to access your event with public transportation, an address/map/contact information for the venue, a description of the meeting area, any age restrictions, dress code regulations, and parking information. 
  3. Be inclusive – A Couchsurfing event should be open to all members regardless of race, creed, color, age, sexual orientation, etc. I’ve heard stories of some events that attempt to “gender balance”, the purposeful exclusion of people based on their sex. Couchsurfing isn’t a speed dating website, so if you’re worried about your event being a “sausage party”, sign up for instead.  
  4. Be transparent – Manage expectations of event attendees by disclosing their obligations, financial or otherwise, for the event. Withholding pertinent information from your attendees is a deceitful practice that will only harm your reputation amongst CSers.
  5. Be promotional – You’ve chosen your event space and created a Couchsurfing event page, but now you need to let the CS community know about it. Create a post in the “Find Discussions” section of the CS site with a short description of your event and a link to the event page. Search the discussion board for travelers who’ve posted about being in your town and are looking for something to do. Find profiles of active CS hosts/members in your city and invite them and their surfers. Post an event link in your area’s CS page on Facebook.
  6. Be punctual – Arrive 15 minutes before the listed start time of your event. If you don’t have a space reserved, ask an employee if there’s an area your group can commandeer. Let the employee know you’ll have folks looking for the group when they arrive; ask if it’s possible to have people directed to your area.
  7. Be welcoming – Greet each attendee with a smile and a handshake, or even a hug. First impressions count. It’s easy to talk and mingle with the people you already know, but remember that some people at your event may not know anyone or even the native language. Introduce new attendees to the ones you might already know.
  8. Be vigilant – Keep an eye open for wandering people who appear lost – they’re most likely event attendees looking for the group. Watch for people who you feel are making others uncomfortable and for attendees in distress; you’re the event leader, so don’t be afraid to interrupt a conversation to ask if everything is ok.
  9. Be available – Monitor the comments section of your event page so you can respond to any questions from attendees or prospective attendees. On the night of your event, regularly check your phone for messages, emails, and calls from event attendees who might be trying to locate your group. 
  10. Be patient – This has been the toughest part for me, but try to remember that many attendees aren’t familiar with your city’s geography, culture, customs, and language; this means that you’ll be inevitably asked many of the same questions and sent many of the same messages. People will complain no matter what (it’s human nature), but over time you’ll develop thicker skin. And the bonds and connections you develop with fellow CSers will make it all worthwhile.  
  11. Be persistent – Don’t get discouraged if your event doesn’t happen as you’d envisioned. There are many factors involved with organizing an event, most of which are completely out of your control. But ruminate on the things within your control and ask yourself how you’d do it differently next time. A 25-50% attendance rate from the RSVP list is the norm – anything above 50% percent is exceptional, but anything below 25% and you’ll want to revisit your planning process.
If you’ve read this far, congratulations! Please feel free to leave your own CS organizing advice and experiences below in the comments section.

Tuesday, July 28, 2015

Two Week Vegan Challenge - Days 3 to 9

Ten days into the Two Week Vegan Challenge and I'm not dead yet.

Apologies for over a week of radio silence -- unless you're annoyed by my self-serving exploit, in which case, you're welcome?

A few days into the challenge, my brother asked how I was feeling, to which I replied, "There's no way a slaughtered cow feels worse than I do right now." But after the initial 48 hours I've felt mostly ok.

Also, I should note that I've already received more invitations to get vegan lunch/dinner than I have regular lunch/dinner throughout all of 2015. Maybe it's just part of the vegan recruitment effort, but the sentiment is nice.

Eating food is no longer something I give much thought to; it's more of an emotionless process now. Before this vegan challenge, my mind would often ponder how, when, where, and what my next meal would be. I freely admit that untethering myself from these thoughts feels liberating, as I can focus my time and energy elsewhere. (Like on writing things that sound even more douchey than that last sentence.)

Most mornings I've had almond milk and vegan cereal for breakfast. The consistency and flavor is close to what I'm used to, and I could actually see myself continuing to include these things in my post-vegan diet. That's right, soon I'll be self-identifying as "post-vegan", which I hope takes the country by storm and lands me my own crappy reality show.

Monday, Day 3
I'm convinced that staying busy at work will be a blessing because I'll be too busy to remember that I'm depriving myself of regular food. By cruel coincidence, I've chosen not to eat animal byproducts during the same week I'm tasked with staring at mouthwatering sausage recipes/pictures for hours on end at work. It's part of a website launch for a client that specializes in -- you guessed it -- sausage products! I get it, God -- you're a first rate novelist, but maybe you could dial it back every once in a while?

A late night at work and I didn't bring dinner. So I've convinced a coworker to order from Green Peas, a local joint with a reputation for tasty regular food and vegan options. I opt for a vegetable quesadilla. In hindsight, it seems strange to have ordered a dish that basically has the Spanish word for cheese, "queso", in its title. Of course we all know that "dilla" is the Spanish word for "delicious". If cheese is the mortar that binds together Mexican food, guacamole is the layer of paint that hides all blemishes. And boy did I smother that quesadilla in guacamole. It was my first run in with the impostor vegan cheese, which was decent, but a world apart from the real deal.

Tuesday, Day 4
I've stumbled upon PETA's "Top 20 Accidentally Vegan Foods", a list of junk food that's technically approved for me to eat. This is a huge loophole, and a sight for sore stomach. So now I'm loading my shopping cart with items like BBQ Pringles, Airheads, Wheat Thins, Sour Patch Kids, and more. After showing friends this list, they'd remark that I could be the first person on a vegan diet to gain weight.

Wednesday, Day 5 and Thursday, Day 6
I don't really remember any significant Vegan-related events happening. The lack of protein may be causing my body to consume my brain. But I've noticed that all I've done with friends is talk about my vegan experiment, and in this way I'm only furthering the stereotype.

Friday, Day 7 - The Challenge Within the Challenge
I've grown so tired of saying the word "vegan" that I've challenged myself to go a full day without uttering it. This challenge was nearly a success until about 10pm, after I'd imbibed some whiskey and the forbidden word came barreling out of my mouth.

Saturday, Day 8 
A very late night out and I realize there's no satisfying or convenient late-night vegan option to soak up the booze. So I'm in my kitchen at 5am slicing a red pepper and dipping it into hummus. Later this morning I wake up amazed that my fingers weren't victim of a drunken knife accident.

I take a nighttime trip to the Getty Center with some friends. For being an art museum and a place you'd think would cater to progressive types, the cafe lacked any decent vegan options. Aside from fruit, the next best/only other option is a $7 pita/hummus combo.

Sunday, Day 9
I'm perched atop a bench on the back patio of Big Dean's Oceanfront Cafe, watching friends binge on beer and fried food that I can't touch. This is one of my favorite places in L.A., but seeing as they don't serve liquor, it's a completely different experience as a vegan. There's basically nothing on the menu I can eat/drink.

Later I meet friends for dinner at a Mexican restaurant in Playa del Rey. Based on the menu, all I can do is cobble together a meal of side items: tortillas filled with zucchini, lettuce, jalapenos, and guacamole. We think the zucchini was probably prepared with butter or something non-vegan, but I'm not about to run into the kitchen to find out.

Tuesday, July 21, 2015

The Two Week Vegan Challenge - Day 2

9:00AM - I'm groggy and feel light-headed. Not sure if it's the lack of dead animal matter in my GI tract or the lack of sleep caused by the nasally, drunken drone of my neighbors impersonating the Real Housewives at 3AM. For six hours I've been semi-conscious and cycling between the same four websites. I didn't eat much yesterday and my appetite is still stuck in neutral. I've been spending less time than usual thinking about and obsessing over food. I'm eating a bowl of organic strawberries that have unfortunately tipped from being ripe to slightly beyond ripe. The only difference I've noticed between regular strawberries and organic strawberries is the extra $2. Seems like a smug tax.

10:30AM - I've returned home after buying a brand new, used $50 bike on Craigslist because my $70 bike was publicly sabotaged last week. Plenty of perks of living in Santa Monica, but one detriment is that bikes here are about as safe as a comb running through Donald Trump's "hair".

The thought of having a warm meal spurs a momentary interest in food, so I heat up a can of Amy's Hearty Organic Soups (Spanish Rice & Red Beans) on the stove top before the hunger urge passes. (And don't think I lack the self-awareness to realize how much this makes me sound like a privileged asshole.)

The simplicity of the preparation and ingredients is appealing. How bad could a can of rice/beans be? The answer: not so bad, but I'd guess the taste/quality is just a half-step above an MRE.

1:00PM - I take my brand new, used bike for a spin through the sun-soaked streets of Santa Monica. (I know, I know -- forced alliteration is the worst!) A workout at the Santa Monica Stairs is my mission, which I hope serves the dual purpose of getting exercise and keeping myself too busy to realize how much I miss actual food.

An episode of "Pep Talks", a podcast hosted by inimitable comedian Eddie Pepitone, is crackling in my piece-of-shit earbuds. Eddie, the "Bitter Buddha", is the best. I must look like a maniac riding my bike while laughing to myself, until I remember this is a common sighting on the westside of L.A.

1:20PM - A vegan-themed food truck parked along Ocean Avenue grabs my attention. I mentally bookmark it as a place to return to for a post-workout reward.

1:30PM - I see a shirtless man at the stairs whose body looks like a toy action figure, and all I can think is "Not recommended for women over 19, mentally." But I digress.

2:20PM - I return to the vegan food truck and idle past, slowly enough to read the menu and realize none of this shit sounds satisfying after a workout.

2:25PM - Coincidentally, my earbuds are transmitting the sound of Eddie Pepitone talking with his podcast guest about his vegan ways.

2:45PM - I stop by Whole Foods to post-workout reward myself with some vegan snacks. $21 later, I exit with a bag of trail mix, guacamole, peanut butter/chocolate chip cookies, and a soda.

3:00PM - Yesterday's leftover balsa-wood-based tasting crackers are a tolerable device for delivering guacamole to my mouth hole. The vegan version of the sesame sticks in the trail mix, which I'd looked forward to the most, taste sad and stale. The peanut butter and chocolate chip cookies are passable as real cookies, but they also bear a hint of joyless nutrition.

Most of the vegan food I've tried so far is just a more bland, less satisfying version of the food it's attempting to imitate. It lacks a certain richness I associate with regular foods. Everything tastes dried out.

Vegan food is the tribute band version of regular food: I might be fooled into believing I was experiencing the real thing if I were wearing a blindfold. Regular food is like Stone Temple Pilots fronted by Scott Weiland: marred by a toxic chemistry that leads to disaster, but responsible for a fuckin' enjoyable product nonetheless. Vegan food is like Stone Temple Pilots fronted by the Linkin Park guy, which is a limp and unpalatable imitation.

5:00PM - I've awoken from a longish nap, again, probably brought on by some combination of lack of sleep and nutrition. I make some pasta with alfredo sauce, which is decent at best. But then again, red pepper flakes make pretty much any food bearable; they're like the Tom Hanks of the spice rack.

8:00PM - I drive to meet a friend and we down some vodkas with sodas. She's incredulous that most beer/wine ain't vegan approved. I launch into a bit about Santa Monica's Vegan Oktoberfest, which I say is the perfect place for anyone who wants to get drunk and then preached to for hours on end.

12:15AM - Ralph's is mostly vacant, so I don't feel as self-conscious flipping over boxes of crackers in a search for the vegan stamp of approval. I buy some breakfast items for the next day (Almond milk and cereal) and a few more items that have escaped my memory at the moment. Probably for lack of protein in my brain.

Sunday, July 19, 2015

The Two Week Vegan Challenge - Day 1

12:05AM - Well, I'm an entire five minutes into the challenge and so far I haven't had a single craving for pizza, carne asada, or buffalo wings. This vegan thing is going to be easier than I thought.

7:30AM - Didn't sleep well or much. My body must be confused by 7.5 hours of no delicious animal products. Not eating breakfast because I don't feel hungry. Also, if you can't have chorizo breakfast burritos, what the fuck do vegans eat in the morning? Need to research this.

8:05AM - My friend has picked me up for a hike.

8:20AM - He's listened to me ramble about my new diet for the entirety of the drive. Guess this makes me an official vegan.

9:00AM - Started hiking with a group of friends and the first order of business is making plans to get lunch at a vegan-friendly restaurant when we've finished. Didn't take long for me to become a high-maintenance pain-in-the-ass.

11:45AM - Scanning the menu at this "vegan-friendly" restaurant and everything sounds delicious, but none of the items are actually vegan. Fortunately one of the others in our group is a long-time vegan, so the group acquiesces to our request to head elsewhere.

12:00PM - Walked down the road to Veggie Grill, an all-vegan restaurant. I've ordered a buffalo "chicken" salad; the "chicken" is actually plant-based. It's my first time seeing menu items placed in scare quotes, which are meant express irony. I'm genuinely concerned that mixing lunch with irony, or any other literary device, will destroy my love for all things buffalo, forever. And that's not hyperbole.

12:15PM - The buffalo "chicken" salad has arrived and it's "delicious". Kidding. It is actually quite good. The texture and taste are remarkably similar to real buffalo chicken. I'd like to do a blind taste test sometime. Finishing my meal with a vegan chocolate chip and walnut cookie. Good stuff.

3:30PM - Snacking on some vegan hummus and crackers. If the buffalo "chicken" was plant-based, these "crackers" taste like they're balsa-wood based. Yuck.

9:00PM - I'm at a comedy show in what feels like the hallway of a college dorm, if the dorm was full of sad, socially awkward men in their thirties. One of the side rooms has a makeshift bar, replete with beer, wine, and spirits. Beer and wine don't typically pass the vegan test, but spirits do! I ask for  vodka, but the only mixer is a Monster energy drink. Now I'm frantically Googling "Monster energy drink vegan?". Turns out no Monsters were harmed in the making of the energy drink, so I can mix it with my vodka.

11:50PM - I wouldn't say I've forgotten to eat dinner, as much as I wasn't interested or hungry. Will give it a shot tomorrow. Until then...

Saturday, July 18, 2015

The Two Week Vegan Challenge


For the next two weeks I'll be giving up all of my favorite foods to eat a strictly vegan diet. This isn't an effort to raise awareness for animal cruelty or to lose weight or to be even more attention-seeking than usual -- I merely want to test my discipline.

I've always believed that vegans choose their lifestyle not because they like saving animals, but because they like being difficult. And morphing into a stereotypical vegan pain-in-the-ass is my biggest fear. I usually pride myself on eating whatever, whenever, however without making a fuss. For the sake of the challenge, I'm fortunate to live in Santa Monica, which is like the Disneyland of veganism, if Mickey and Minnie Mouse were smug and high-maintenance.

You can follow along as I keep a running diary of this challenge. And feel free to offer your support, advice, recipes, insults, etc.


7:50PM - Just endured a brutal Friday night open mic. Time to walk to Chick fil-A to eat my feelings. Only a few hours until midnight, which is when the challenge officially begins and I turn into a pumpkin. Or a person who only eats pumpkin. Anyhow, need to get in a last bite

7:55PM - (1) Chick fil-A spicy sandwich and (8) nuggets is what I'd request as my last supper were I on death row. Do you know what vegans on death row typically request as their last meal? Trick question! Vegans have never been on death row because they can only be imprisoned in a metaphorical cell of their own joyless dietary restrictions. I'm eating by myself, which I assume will be a common theme for the next two weeks. 

8:20PM - I've entered a Whole Foods to stockpile vegan food. That's where vegans shop, right? What do vegans eat? God, I should've done more research. The challenge hasn't even started and I'm already the guy scanning the nutrition labels on hummus containers to find one that's vegan approved.

8:45PM - Well, I just spent $47 on a small bag of groceries that I'm probably going to hate.

9:05PM - I barely ever get McDonald's milkshakes, but fuck it -- going to take advantage while I still have time. And this Strawberry shake tastes extra good because I know it's going to be at least two weeks before I can indulge again.

11:59PM - This is like the New Year's Eve countdown, except I'm by myself and dreading tomorrow. Wait nevermind, this is exactly like the New Year's Eve countdown...

Thursday, June 11, 2015

Topical Monologue Jokes Too PC for College Students

An undercover operation has revealed that TSA agents failed to detect fake bombs and weapons 95 percent of the time. Though they did have a 100 percent success rate in finding travelers’ genitals.

According to a new survey, the country with the highest percentage of people confident in their bodies is Mexico. The survey was conducted by tequila shots.

McDonald's has hired President Obama's former press secretary Robert Gibbs to help fight falling sales. Which explains McDonald's new marketing push, "Would you like hope and change with that?"

The jockey for Triple Crown winner American Pharaoh says that the way to pick a winner is to check out its penis. "Duh!" said women.

A Florida man was recently arrested after arguing with his roommate and using pizza as a weapon. The man says his only regret is that he didn't swallow the evidence.

According to new research, owning cats as a child can put you at risk for bipolar disorder and schizophrenia. It also puts children at risk of becoming adults who die alone.

A new test can detect every virus you've ever gotten in your life. The test was made by studying Kesha.

A film about the history of FIFA bombed at the box office last weekend. Which is surprising, since most critics gave the film "two thumbs up for the right price".

Kim Kardashian says that she and Kanye West haven't told anyone the sex of their baby. While Caitlyn Jenner says the baby should wait to tell everyone for itself.

Senator Lindsay Graham says that since he's not married, if he's elected president he'll have "rotating First Ladies". He went on to say that he's also open to that idea even if he's not elected president.

Monday, June 1, 2015

Topical Monologue Jokes with Less Integrity than FIFA

United Airlines is facing protests after refusing to give a Muslim woman an unopened can of Diet Coke over alleged fears she'd use it as a weapon. United should've known that the only way to harm someone with soda is to make them drink it until they have diabetes.

Justin Bieber posted on Instagram that he's not religious. Though he said he does believe in spirits, like whiskey, vodka, and tequila.

Researchers are using a version of the herpes virus to fight the deadliest form of skin cancer. So skin cancer is like people: it loses any interest being with someone after seeing mouth sores.
Lamborghini is introducing an SUV called the “Urus”. Which is Italian for “impossibly tiny penis”.

An elderly couple in Illinois now has 100 grandkids. It's so many grandkids, they've had to buy a second refrigerator just to fit all of the pictures.

A new study says a healthy diet can protect you against hearing loss. Which means a poor diet can protect you against hearing why you should eat kale.

The White House photographer said Michelle Obama is the “Hugger-in-Chief”. Which was the title originally given to Bill Clinton by female interns.

The curriculum used by the Duggars to home school their kids states that semen causes cancer. While the curriculum used by real teachers states that semen causes too many Duggars.

Tuesday, May 26, 2015

5 Topical Monologue Jokes The Rock Would Never Save

After six years in office, President Obama finally got his own Twitter account. Obama said he'd love to follow each and every American, but that's the job of the NSA.

One of the stars of "Teen Mom 3" is trying to raise money online to purchase a boob job. It's part of a new crowdfunding site called "Titstarter".

The Center for Disease Control and Prevention has released a map that shows the causes of death that are distinctive to each state. For instance, the most distinctive cause of death in Florida is "being in Florida".

New research shows that men who ejaculate 21 times a month can reduce their risk of prostate cancer by 22%. Though it also increases their risk by 100% of having to buy more Kleenex.

During a publicity appearance in Florida, Dr. Oz rushed to help a woman who had collapsed. Though after a few minutes of tending to her, he was forced to step away for a commercial break.

Tuesday, May 5, 2015

Topical Monologue Jokes That Won't Be Running For President

Due to protests in Baltimore, a baseball game between the Orioles and White Sox was closed to the public and played to an empty stadium. Though that didn't stop protestors outside the stadium from throwing out the ceremonial first brick.

The Food and Drug Administration has approved a drug that claims to reduce double-chin fat in adults. The drug is called "exercise".

A man pulled from the rubble of a collapsed hotel three days after the Nepal earthquake drank his own urine to survive. The man says he's lucky to be alive, and credits being able to stand the taste of urine from years of drinking Coors Light.

A new study has revealed how to differentiate between male and female dinosaur fossils. For instance, scientists know they're male fossils if they're found near a toilet seat that's been left up.

People with tattoos are reporting issues with their Apple watch. The main issue being the watches can't pretend to care about hearing the meaning of their owners' tattoos.

Scientists believe chins likely developed because humans became more social. While they say double-chins developed because humans became more social with drive-thru windows.

In response to violent protests around Baltimore, the city's mayor issued a weeklong curfew for citizens. The mayor also threatened that if Baltimore keeps it up, they won't be allowed to watch Saturday morning cartoons.

A baseball stadium hosting an Allergy Awareness Night won't sell peanut-containing products like Cracker Jacks and M&Ms. They also won't sell hot dogs, which might contain peanuts and God-knows-what-else.

Health officials say that a Liberian woman appears to have contracted Ebola from unprotected sex with a man who survived the virus. But on the bright side, AIDS is now only the second worst thing you can get from unprotected sex.

An Australian "wellness" blogger who built a successful business on claims she survived terminal cancer has admitted she never had the disease. Though she has been recently diagnosed with Brian Williams Syndrome.

Fans of Kylie Jenner are artificially altering their lips and posting pictures on social media with the hashtag #KylieJennerChallenge. Though it still sounds less painful than anyone attempting the hashtag #BruceJennerChallenge. 

Scientists in London have discovered that one's risk of obesity can be predicted by urine samples. Their discovery was made inside the urinal of a Burger King.

Betty Willis, designer of the iconic "Welcome to Fabulous Las Vegas" sign, has died. Her remains will be buried in Las Vegas, and stay in Las Vegas.

Friday, April 3, 2015

Topical monologue jokes staying home for Spring Break

An Uber driver was arrested after breaking into the home of a woman he'd just dropped off at the airport. The woman became suspicious when she was given the option to tip the driver 10%, 15%, or "a flatscreen tv".

Facebook has rolled out a new feature that allows parents to share even more photos of their children. The feature is called "Facebook".

This past Wednesday was April Fools' Day. Or as Brian Williams calls it, "amateur hour".

The Kennedy Institute has unveiled a replica of the U.S. Senate Chamber. The replica is so accurate that the entire Senate can comfortably fit inside and pass zero bills.

Engineers have resolved a glitch that had caused a two year delay to relaunch the Large Hadron Collider. The glitch was fixed when engineers hit Control+Alt-Delete.

Movie mogul Harvey Weinstein has been accused of groping a woman. To be fair, Weinstein probably just mistook the woman for a Quentin Tarantino script.

Blackberry reported $28 million in profits in the fourth quarter of last year. The announcement was made by their new Chief Financial Officer, Brian Williams.

According to a new study, consumption of fruits containing large amounts of pesticide residue may lower men's sperm counts. Which means now you might start asking, "Is that a banana in your pocket, or are you just happy to see your sperm?"

According to a new study, nearly one in five young people suffers from what's called "exploding head syndrome". The syndrome affects young people who're told that selfie sticks are banned from Coachella.

Sunday, March 29, 2015

5 Topical Monologue Jokes That Won't Make the Final Four

In a new movie directed by Ryan Gosling, Christina Hendricks plays a woman who loses her face. It marks the first time a woman has had to say, "Excuse me, but my eyes were up here."

McDonald's is launching a new line of lifestyle clothing. The line consists entirely of dirty sweatpants.

Charlie Sheen criticized President Obama for filling out an NCAA bracket because he says it's a waste of Obama's time. Joe Biden agreed, saying Obama could've used the time to help him build a pillow fort.

The Mayor of Chicago is floating the idea of renaming one of the city's airports after President Obama. He's also considering renaming one of the city's garbage dumps after Joe Biden.

Steve Nash has retired from the Los Angeles Lakers after not playing in one game this entire season. Which means he's also expected to be named the Lakers' MVP.

Friday, March 20, 2015

5 Signs That L.A.’s Spring Has Sprung

After enduring another Los Angeles winter plagued by the cold, wind, snow, and ice in the posts by friends on Facebook, I’m happy to report that springtime has finally arrived in Southern California! Our climate is famously devoid of any seasonal change, so it can be difficult to discern one season from the next. But the following context clues signify when L.A.'s spring has officially sprung:

1. L.A. dogs have shed their winter coats and Ugg boots.

2. Spectators return to the beaches to watch the annual migration of tourists-about-to-get-parking-tickets.

3. Women have traded wearing yoga pants for buoyant, flower-print dresses draped over their yoga pants.

4. Dudes remove their knit beanies after leaving the coffee shop.

5. Seasonal plants and flowers begin budding and blooming around the discarded mattresses in your neighborhood.

Monday, March 9, 2015

Topical monologue jokes that should be run over by Suge Knight

Designers have developed a fabric that makes celebrities appear invisible to paparazzi. The fabric is made entirely from Pauly Shore's wardrobe.

Kanye West tweeted that the title of his new album is "So Help Me God". West says he came up with the name after overhearing his daughter.

Researchers in Australia have discovered two new species of peacock spiders. The discovery was made when one researcher heard another researcher scream like a little girl.

Pop star Justin Bieber is begging Seth Rogen to roast him in the upcoming Comedy Central special. Though sources say the only way Rogen would roast Bieber is if he was packed into a bong.

A new study published about average penis size was based on over 15,000 measurements. The study was conducted by your ex-girlfriend the week after she dumped you.

Scientists say newly identified compounds in spider venom could help treat chronic pain. The way it works is all pain leaves the body after you've died from a spider bite.

AOL has produced a new half-hour reality show called “Connected." AOL says the show will be released exclusively on a cd-rom that you've thrown in the trash.

In "Sharknado 3", the Vice President of the United States will be played by Ann Coulter. And in an event bigger casting stunt, the President of the United States will be played by Joe Biden.

A construction worker is suing Michael Bay for getting hurt while working on his mansion. Though Bay says he gave fair warning that his home is rated PG-13 for intense sequences of action and violence.

Canadian "Star Trek" fans are honoring Leonard Nimoy by sketching Spock on their five dollar bills. And to honor themselves, "Star Trek" fans are sketching women who can't run away.

Saturday, February 28, 2015

Topical Monologue Jokes That Aren't a Colored Dress

Surveyors measuring the Washington Monument found that the structure is ten inches smaller than when it was completed in 1884. Which explains why the monument has been seen driving around town in a new Corvette.

Earlier this week, Lupita Nyongo's $150,000 Oscar gown was stolen from her hotel room. Authorities have described the dress as white and gold, while other authorities described it as blue and black. 

Director James Cameron and his wife will open the country's first all-vegan elementary school cafeteria. And like a normal school cafeteria, the meatloaf still won't be made with real meat.

In Russia, a man who had a drink with a young blonde woman awoke to discover his testicles had been removed. Authorities have classified the incident as a "marriage".

Attorney General Eric Holder said the threat of homegrown terror keeps him up at night. While Joe Biden said he's often kept up at night by the threat of the boogeyman.

Google has announced a new policy that will ban pornographic material from its blogs. So now anyone searching Google for porn will only be able to find it everywhere else.

Alaska has become the third state to legalize marijuana. Which means now the only thing in Alaska longer than the pipeline is the line for pipes.

While performing at this week's Brit Awards, Madonna fell several feet from a riser onto the stage below. Witnesses say the only thing they've seen dropped quicker was Madonna's British accent.

Saturday, January 17, 2015

Topical Monologue Jokes

A college in Kentucky says it will make video games an official sport and start offering scholarships to gamers in the fall. And to maintain their scholarships, all gamers will be required to fail random drug tests.

Kim Kardashian said it's been more challenging to get pregnant the second time around because "It's just how God works." "Yeah, it's just how I work," said Kanye West.

Two anti-torture protestors were arrested for trespassing at the home of former Vice President Dick Cheney. Fortunately for the protestors, they were interrogated by the police instead of Dick Cheney.

A new study reveals that most drinking deaths in the US involve middle-aged adults. "Challenge accepted," said college students.

Scientists have documented a female shark that appears to have stored a male's sperm for close to four years before laying an egg that grew into a healthy juvenile. In other words, scientists have discovered that sharks can wait up to four years to buy the morning after pill.

The Secret Service demoted four top officials because of security breaches at the White House, and assigned them to a less crucial post. Which means now they're in charge of babysitting Joe Biden.

Darrell Winfield, the original Marlboro Man, died this week at the age of 85. And you can attend his funeral by redeeming 80,000 Marlboro Miles.

A judge has set a bond for a Florida woman authorities say enhanced women's buttocks by illegally injecting them with cement. Even worse, before the cement dried she wrote her initials on their butts.

In Arkansas, a woman who owns a gun range has sparked a controversy after she declared the range a "muslim-free zone." She then backtracked and said that muslims are welcome to the range, as long as they're ok with wearing bullseyes.

Scientists at Drexel University have discovered a rare butterfly with both male and female traits. They've named the species Bruceius Jenneris.