Topical Monologue Jokes Snubbed By The Emmys

A playground inspired by the popular game Angry Birds is set to open in China. Officials say the playground will be a nice place for Chinese kids to unwind after a 15 hour workday. 

Colombian authorities have arrested a woman who tried to board a plane while wearing a prosthetic baby bump filled with cocaine. Her cover was blown after she was asked when she was expecting, and she replied "when someone gives me twenty grand". 

Hiroshi Yamauchi, who ran Nintendo for more than 50 years, has died at 85 years old. Doctors knew Yamauchi was in trouble when he was unresponsive to their repeated attempts of blowing on him. 

Scientists say that Earth should be habitable for at least the next 1.75 billion years. Or as the unit of measurement is more commonly known, "1 Larry King". 

Miley Cyrus' new song "Wrecking Ball" has hit number 1 on the "Billboard" charts. And to celebrate, she twerked on a giant "#1" foam finger.  

The release of "Pirates of the Caribbean 5" has been delayed. Producers say Johnny Depp has been unavailable due to a worldwide shortage of scarves.

Kelsey Grammer has replaced Nicolas Cage in the new “Expendables” sequel. No word yet on if Grammer will also be replacing Cage's hair plugs.

Leonardo DiCaprio is in talks to star in a biopic about President Woodrow Wilson. The film's working title is "Hot President".

Lindsay Lohan is reportedly dating Matt Nordgren, a former football player. Lohan says Nordgren completes her, meaning he's always there to bail her out of jail.

The former head of the NSA says that Gmail is the preferred email service for terrorists. He says it's also the preferred email service for your spouse's mistress.

Kate Upton says she was offended when a modeling agency told her she was "too American, and everybody knows American women are lazy." Upton then resumed collecting millions of dollars for posing in a bikini.

  

Scientists have discovered a new species of legless lizard that lives beneath the sand dunes near Los Angeles International Airport. And they also believe that tests will prove it to be a distant relative of Steven Tyler.

A new study claims teens have reported eating more fruits and vegetables, consuming less sweets and soda, eating breakfast on weekdays more often, being more active, and spending less time watching TV. However the study's only participant was Malia Obama.

Kate Moss will pose nude in "Playboy"'s 50th anniversary issue. Just a heads up to subscribers wondering why that issue feels thinner than normal.

A study conducted by the Swedish National Food Agency confirmed rumors that anal secretions from beavers can be used to create vanilla flavoring. Which is confusing since the anal secretions typically look a lot more like chocolate.

What Not to Submit for NBC's Late Night Writers Workshop

Last month I applied for a spot in NBC's Late Night Writers Workshop, "a two-day program focused on exposing talented sketch and comedy writers to NBCUniversal's late night line-up and readying them for a staff writer position."

If you know me and/or have visited this site, I've been on a mission to land a steady, comedy writing job. This was the perfect opportunity to showcase my skills!

Well, I didn't make the cut.

But, I'm posting this for other aspiring comedy writers, and for the NBC staff who vetted entries to realize they've made a terrible, terrible mistake by excluding me! (It should be noted that the submission website mentions "We particularly encourage female writers and those of diverse backgrounds to apply." So I'm unsure how much my chances were wrecked by not being female or diverse. In fact, I'm a white Jewish male. Which is the exact opposite of "diverse" in a writer's room.)

Applicants were asked to submit "one properly formatted 'sketch' packet", which would contain the following:

1-2 pages of monologue jokes (a la Late Night with Jimmy Fallon) for one or several characters/host personalities.

1-2 pages of headline news/ topical jokes (a la Saturday Night Live’s “Weekend Update”).

2 sketches, at least one should be a “correspondent” “desk bit” or “pre-taped” sketch (Examples: Jimmy Fallon’s “Thank-You Notes” or Jay Leno’s “Ross the Intern”).

I had trouble discerning the difference between "monologue jokes" and "news/topical jokes", because to me these are the same. So I cherry-picked what I felt were my strongest topical jokes from the last 3-4 months. The "hard news" based jokes I designated for the "Weekend Update" batch, and the lighter, goofier ones for the monologue batch (intended for Jimmy Fallon's voice).

Also, I don't fancy myself as a traditional "sketch" writer, so I churned out two original desk piece ideas for Fallon, instead of an SNL-style sketch.

All of these choices seemed to showcase my strengths, hide my weaknesses, and fell within the competition guidelines. But did these choices help/hurt my chances? The frustrating part is that I'll never know. But I will take another crack at it when the 2014 submission window opens.

Anyhow, here's the packet I submitted:

NBC Late Night Writers Workshop Packet

Topical monologue jokes for Friday the 13th

Sharon Osbourne revealed that she once dated Jay Leno. Or as Leno described it, a match made in denim.

After being defeated in the New York City mayoral primary, Anthony Weiner gave a reporter the middle finger. Then moments later, he gave his cell phone the middle leg.

Tim Tebow was recently offered a 3-year contract to play quarterback for an arena football team. Which means that when there was only one set of footprints, it was just God carrying Tebow to Arena Football.

It has been reported that a 150-pound watermelon worth $1,500 was recently stolen. Authorities say the suspect should be considered armed and delicious.

A man in the Philippines has spent 16 years and thousands of dollars having plastic surgery to look like Superman. Even more impressive, it was all done in a phone booth.

Critics suspect Diana Nyad cheated during her 110 mile swim from Cuba to Florida. Mostly because she did it while holding a valid US passport.

Police have installed 37 cameras on the Las Vegas strip to deter crime. So now what happens in Vegas, stays in a Vegas surveillance camera.

A group of American Historians who were recently asked to grade Barack Obama's presidency have given him a B minus. Or as George W. Bush calls it, "a 140 percent".

After getting knocked down during a charity soccer match, Louis Tomlinson of One Direction threw up. Witnesses described the puking as sounding like the next hit single.

Tokyo has been awarded the 2020 Summer Olympics. It's expected to be the first Olympics where athletes can potentially walk away with Gold, Silver, Bronze, and Plutonium.

McDonalds is testing a new product called the "Blitz Box", which contains a variety of menu items that amount to nearly 3,000 calories. Or as Chris Christie calls it, a "snack".

In a recent interview, Lionel Richie offered parenting advice to Billy Ray Cyrus. Then, both Richie and Billy Ray were offered hair styling advice from Fantastic Sam.

In Arkansas, a 107-year-old man was killed in a shootout with police. He was pronounced dead at the scene of natural causes.

Topical monologue jokes

 
On Wednesday morning, Anthony Weiner fulfilled a “lifelong dream” by doing the weather for a New York television station. His forecast: cloudy with a 100 percent chance of penis.

It's been reported that Microsoft's new Xbox One game console will be able to support up to 8 controllers. It's also expected to be able to support up to 0 girlfriends.

Nissan announced that by the year 2020, they will introduce self-driving cars. Though Lindsay Lohan says her car is already self-driving when she's drunk.

Researchers at the University of Washington have successfully completed an experiment where one person was able to control another's body movements using only his brain. They say their hope is to one day use the technology to control Miley Cyrus's twerking.

Michael Douglas and Catherine Zeta-Jones are on the verge of calling it quits after 13 years of marriage. And since their marriage is going down, it's expected to contract throat cancer.

On Thursday, George Zimmerman's wife filed for divorce. Which means it might be a while until Zimmerman gets off again because of a white woman.

LeBron James is producing a new sitcom. The working title is "Not In Cleveland".

Alec Baldwin has finalized a deal to host a weekly nighttime talk show on MSNBC. The show will feature Baldwin talking into a camera while trying to punch the person holding it.

Mississipi hunters set a new state record after capturing an alligator that weighs 727 pounds. Or as that's known in Mississippi, "gaunt".

A 19-year-old man was killed on Thursday when a remote-controlled model helicopter that he was piloting in a Brooklyn park struck him in the head. Officials say the man might've been saved, but the batteries had died for the remote-controlled ambulance.

Miley Cyrus said she knew her VMA performance would make history. Though so far it's only made history really, really uncomfortable.