Monday, May 20, 2013

8 jokes that didn't perform at the Billboard Music Awards

A European man died after trying to have sex with a hornet's nest on his farm. His final words were "Me so hornet-y".

According to a new survey, the job with the highest level of obesity is bus driver. And the job with the second highest level of obesity is Governor of New Jersey.

A new study shows that women are 31 percent more likely to give their number to a guy with a guitar. Unless it's the guitar from Guitar Hero.

Oscar Meyer is introducing a new hotdog that has bacon pieces cooked into it. So finally, you'll be able know what a tiny part of your hot dog is actually made of. 

Palestinians are breaking the Israeli blockade of the Gaza Strip by smuggling in food from KFC. Which means the Israeli army now poses less of a threat to Palestinian health than Colonel Sanders.

Lindsay Lohan turned down an offer to be roasted on Comedy Central. However she said she wouldn't turn down an offer to get roasted on her couch.

A cross-country flight was forced to make an emergency landing after a woman refused to stop singing a song by Whitney Houston. Authorities then added to the woman's Whitney Houston tribute by placing her in handcuffs.

According to a study in "Psychologist" magazine, one of the best ways to get someone to go to bed with you is to make them laugh. Which means you should never take a date back to your place to watch NBC.

Friday, May 17, 2013

Jokes that weren't audited by the IRS

China announced it will no longer buy recycled trash from the U.S. The news comes a big financial blow to

A new movie about Hillary Clinton will include scenes dealing with her sex life with Bill. In other words, the movie will feature several intermissions.

Angelina Jolie had preventative surgery to reduce her chances of developing breast cancer from 87% to below 5%. Though her chances of developing another third world child remain at 100%.

An Arizona State student who passed out from drinking was left in a hospital lobby with a Post-it note to tell doctors that he took part in a drinking competition. Officials say they know the man's friends were also really drunk because the Post-it note was stuck to him with a staple.

An Arizona State student who passed out from drinking was left in a hospital lobby with a Post-it note to tell doctors that he took part in a drinking competition. Doctors described the note as being so illegible that they mistook it for being written by a doctor.

Burger King is coming out with a rib sandwich that is virtually identical to the McRib from McDonalds. People are calling Burger King's McRib imitation the sincerest form of diarrhea.

During Angelina Jolie's preventative medical procedures, she reportedly used a series of disguises, wigs, and aliases to hide her real identity. Which means she prepared for the ordeal by watching herself in the movie "Salt".

NASA is asking the public to submit haikus to ride aboard its Maven orbiter to Mars. It's all part of their effort to put poems in the only place lonelier than the poets' bedrooms.

A man trying to dribble a soccer ball from Seattle to Brazil was hit and killed by a truck on an Oregon road. Which means the man's soccer career ended the same way it started: dribbling around orange cones.

New York City mayoral candidate Christine Quinn has revealed that she used to struggle with bulimia. So now her only struggle is trying not vomit from the stench of New York City.

Sony has unveiled the Xperia ZR, a waterproof smartphone. Meanwhile the makers of Blackberry are still waiting to unveil their first smartphone that's landproof.

On Thursday David Beckham announced that he will retire from soccer at the end of the season. Beckham says he looks forward to spending more time with just his underwear.

Prince Harry visited the Jersey Shore to see the destruction caused by Superstorm Sandy. Harry described the scene as looking almost as crazy as his last hotel room.

Apps for Facebook, Twitter, and Tumblr have been released for Google Glass. It's being hailed as a state of the art way to connect with friends without having to actually look at them.

A recent study has found that DNA is 98% useless junk. As proof, scientists cited Kim Kardashian's pregnancy.

German officials say Justin Bieber will have to pay the bill for the two-month stay of his pet monkey seized by German customs. Experts estimate the bill will be completely bananas.

Saturday, May 11, 2013

Topical Monologue Jokes To Read To Your Mother

"Oh mom, these hacky Ke$ha punchlines never get old!"

The CEO of Blackberry says tablets will be useless in five years. Which means soon people will just start calling them "Blackberrys".

On Thursday two Carnival cruise ship passengers went missing off the coast of Australia. Or as any Carnival passenger would call it, "an upgrade".

Male porn star, Mr. Marcus, was arrested on Thursday for driving drunk. It marked his first encounter with a man dressed as an officer who wasn't his co-star.

"Sesame Street" added a third Spanish-speaking character to its cast. Which confirms that Sesame Street is now brought to you by the letters "A C L and U".

A recent study found that despite new laws, about half of all teens still text while driving. Experts say the only way to convince them to stop is by telling them that their parents think it's "cool".

A group of fans from Florida built a real life Batmobile costing an estimated $1.6 million. Their next project: building a real life girlfriend.

Green Day frontman Billie Joe Armstrong has called Korean pop star Psy the "herpes of music". Psy denied the claim by reminding everyone that the herpes of music is still Ke$ha.

For the first time ever men will be able to purchase Viagra over the internet. Though it'll still be available over the counter for men who prefer to embarrass themselves in public.

Due to extremely high ticket prices, The Rolling Stones are having sales troubles for their "50 and Counting" concert tour. In other words, fans want to save money so they can retire before they're as old as the Rolling Stones.

Manti Teo's fake girlfriend, Lennay Kekua, is number sixty-nine in the annual list of Maxim's 100 hottest women. They've also given her a spot on their list of Maxim's 100 remaining subscribers.

After the New York Jets first practice, rookie quarterback Geno Smith gave himself an "F". While Jets fans gave veteran quarterback Mark Sanchez an "F U".

A Catholic group has labeled David Bowie as a "switch-hitting, bisexual senior citizen." Upon hearing this, the Cubs named Bowie to their starting lineup.

For the fourth time, Neil Patrick Harris will host the Tony Awards. Which means he's hosted the Tony Awards almost as much as he's hosted guys named Tony.

A girl who didn’t get asked to prom took her calculator instead, even dressing it up in a tuxedo. It was all part of her plan to prove that the other students were right.

In honor of Mother's Day, Hooters offered all moms a free meal. And to daughters who don't celebrate Father's Day, Hooters is offering free job applications.

A solar powered plane flew from San Francisco to Phoenix without using a drop of fuel. Even more impressive is how a solar powered plane took off from San Francisco without using a drop of sunlight.

Nick Lachey says the best part about being divorced from Jessica Simpson is that he no longer has to play grab ass with Joe Simpson. He says that now the only time he has to play grab ass is at a 98 Degrees reunion.

Adam Levine has signed a development deal with NBC. Insiders expect Levine to develop a show based on a book of douchey tattoos.

So far, 78,000 people have applied to take a 7 month journey to Mars without ever returning—all with limited food and no showering. Selected applicants will train for the mission by taking a Carnival Cruise.

Anne Hathaway has died her hair blonde. Because blondes have more fun being hated.

This week Honey Boo Boo's mother Mama June got married. And instead of tossing rose petals, the flour girl tossed pizzas.

In an interview with Piers Morgan, Lindsay Lohan revealed that she’s only taken cocaine “4 or 5 times.” She went on to reveal that she's also only told the truth "4 or 5 times".

Since a company demonstrated how to make a gun with a 3-D printer, more than 100,000 people have downloaded the blueprints. In news just as disturbing, blueprints were downloaded by Baz Luhrmann to make a 3-D "The Great Gatsby".

Sir Alex Ferguson is retiring after more than 26 years as England's most successful soccer manager. Or as Americans knew him, "The Sandman".

Pizza Hut has launched an app that allows gamers to place orders directly through their Xbox. Which means now gamers can order pizza without having to hang up the phone on their imaginary girlfriends.

Neighbors are complaining that Gwyneth Paltrow's gate is too high and an eyesore. Paltrow claims that the gate only protects her family's privacy from people who aren't major media outlets.

A new poll named Tom Hanks as America's most trusted celebrity. The same poll revealed that America's least trusted celebrity is Chaz Bono's sex organs.

Jason Collins was engaged at one time to WNBA player Carolyn Moos, who is planning on writing a book. The book will detail how Collins broke off the engagement by telling Moos that he was "interested in other men".

Shares of Whole Foods stock hit its highest value in more than a year. However it's still not as valuable as finding a parking spot at Whole Foods.

Liam Gallagher of Oasis has revealed that he recently almost died from an allergic reaction after he ate an M&M. The incident was Gallagher's first brush with death and not copying the Beatles.

The Obama administration officially identified attacks on US government computer systems as coming from China. Though technically the attacks are just Paypal requests from China for $1 trillion dollars.

New research shows that two strangers who both own dogs are likely to share the same skin bacteria. It's especially true if one of those strangers is Ke$ha.

The mother of "Simpsons" creator Matt Groening, has died at age 94. Groening has asked that in lieu of flowers, to please send actual funny jokes to The Simpsons.