Monday, February 18, 2013

Topical monologue jokes even dumber than the Harlem Shake

Officials say two people snuck into the Super Bowl without tickets because everyone was distracted by Beyonce's half-time performance. Those people are the other two members of Destiny's Child.

A documentary set to air on MTV reportedly shows Ke$ha drinking her own urine. Which means Ke$ha's urine now has herpes.

Warren Buffett has purchased condiment maker Heinz for $23.2 billion. The sale was made after Buffett told his assistant to "go buy ketchup".

On Thursday, a brawl involving hundreds of students at a Minneapolis high school started as a food fight. Police were forced to break up the melee with a chemical spray, called "I Can't Believe It's Not Tear Gas".

On Thursday night, a Carnival cruise ship adrift for five days in the Gulf of Mexico finally docked in Mobile, Alabama. Local officials mistook the massive, disabled vessel spewing waste as just another Alabama resident.

An Argentine woman has married the man convicted of killing her twin sister. When asked for comment the woman said, "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, I'm dead."

Federal officials have solicited proposals to create six national drone test sites. This would be in addition to the country's main site for drones: C-Span.

Medical examiners have positively identified the remains of fugitive ex-cop Christopher Dorner, who was incinerated after the cabin he was in burned to the ground. Authorities described the charred site of Dorner's last stand as a job "well-done".

A man is in custody after Washington state police found him with more than 1,000 pounds of stolen mail. He's being held on $250,000 bail and charged with possession of worthless property.

NYC Mayor Michel Bloomberg says arrests for small quantities of marijuana will no longer mean a night in jail. The only exception is if the pot is being smoked out a Big Gulp bong.

Robbie Rogers, a former member of the U.S. national soccer team, revealed Friday that he is gay. "Told you so!" said everyone who's ever played football.

Sunday, February 10, 2013

Topical monologue jokes more lifeless than The Walking Dead

On Monday, Pizza Hut introduced "pizza sliders", which are even smaller than its personal pies. It's part of the company's plan to give consumers what they want: less Pizza Hut pizza.

A new poll revealed that former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton is the most popular U.S. politician. The survey was conducted among a random sampling of 1000 people not named Bill Clinton.

An Ohio man was sentenced to prison time after ordering hair cutting “attacks” that a judge ruled as hate crimes. The conviction also means the man has been named Fantastic Sams Employee of the Month.

An annual study of national driving patterns shows that in 2011 Americans spent 5.5 billion hours stuck in traffic. However the good news is Americans used the time to practice what they do best: sitting.

CBS warned performers to not wear clothing that's too revealing at the Grammy Awards. More specifically, they've asked Chris Brown to wear a turtleneck. 

Following the Baltimore Ravens' Super Bowl victory, MVP Joe Flacco dropped the F-bomb on live TV. To be fair, it's the same reaction all guys when hearing they have to take their family to Disneyland.

Home Depot said it will hire 10,000 additional seasonal workers for the spring. Unfortunately you still won't be able to find any Home Depot workers to actually help you.

The Kansas Supreme Court ruled that exotic dancers at a strip club have the right to collect unemployment insurance as employees and not independent contractors. The court also ruled that the insurance claims must still be paid out in singles.

Air Asia is offering a child-free seating zone on some of its flights. Air Asia says this will allow travelers to avoid being disturbed by the noise of children building iPads.

Gov. Chris Christie has lashed out at a former White House doctor who said she worries about him dying in office because he is so heavy, telling her to "shut up." The doctor says it was rude for Christie to say such things with his mouth full.

An autism-friendly performance of Broadway's "Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark" will be staged this spring. However there's still no plan to produce a version that's safe for the general public.

In an Arizona town, actor Steven Seagal was hired to train a volunteer posse through a simulated school shooting. The training consisted of thwarting an attack by using body doubles.

Sunday, February 3, 2013

Topical monologue jokes even Ray Lewis couldn't kill with

"These jokes would be horrible accomplices."
Scientists have developed a Star Trek style tractor beam that uses light to attract objects. And since it's Star Trek style, the only object the beam can't attract is a girlfriend. 

On Tuesday, famed daredevil Nik Wallenda glided 500 feet across a wire suspended 200 feet over a Florida highway. Onlookers described the act as "less dangerous than driving in Florida".

An American professor says it will soon be possible to create a living Neanderthal. The professor's research is based on the marriage license between Lamar Odom and Khloe Kardashian. 

Oh, you're in the Hep C tribe?
US researchers have found a link between tattoos and Hepatitis C. So instead of asking someone what their tattoo means you can assume it means liver failure.

George Ryan, the fourth of Illinois' last seven governors to be convicted of crime, was released from a federal prison. Or as Illinois calls it, the ex-governor's mansion.

Casey Anthony has filed for bankruptcy. Though officials are confident they'll find her money in the woods near her home.

Morrissey has cancelled shows on his current tour after being hospitalized with a bleeding ulcer. Officials say ticket holders are entitled to receive a full refund and therapy.

It's been reported that China may lift a decade-long ban on video game consoles. Which means Chinese kids might finally get to enjoy the fruits of their labor.

The US military has announced that they're pursuing 'Mission Impossible' like devices that are capable of self-destructing. "Sounds like a job for us," said Microsoft.

San Francisco is on track to become the first city with zero waste. Environmental officials say this feat could only be accomplished due to San Francisco's love of consuming its own bullshit.

"Hilary, can you recommend a good suit tailor?"
The US Senate has approved John Kerry as the next secretary of state to replace Hilary Clinton. Kerry acknowledged that he has big shoes to fill and an even bigger pant suit. 

A motorcyclist proposed to his girlfriend in the middle of LA's 10 freeway. The woman agreed to spend the rest of her life with the man, because that's how long they'd be in traffic.

A motorcyclist proposed to his girlfriend in the middle of LA's 10 freeway. The woman said "yes", but by the time they got through traffic the couple was divorced with five kids.

A motorcyclist briefly shut down a busy LA freeway to propose to his girlfriend. Drivers stuck in the traffic were angry to be delayed from being stuck in other traffic.

Taco Bell is pulling a tv ad after receiving complaints that it discouraged people from eating vegetables. But to be fair, Taco Bell ads also discourage people from eating meat.

Two Atlanta men have been arrested in connection with stealing $65,000 worth of frozen chicken wings. The duo is being charged with intent to host a killer Super Bowl party.

Kim Kardashian's family are reportedly hiring a professional videographer to tape her baby shower. Sources say the videographer will be Ray J.
"Laura, can we visit Barney's farm tomorrow?"

Barney, a Scottish terrier who served in the White House under President George W. Bush, has died from lymphoma. Laura Bush said the hardest part was telling George that Barney was sent to a big happy farm for sick dogs. 

Bank of America says its online banking website crashed Friday, leaving customers temporarily unable to access their accounts. Even worse, customers were charged a $2 inconvenience fee.

On Friday, authorities searched for a convicted murderer who was mistakenly released from custody in Chicago. The man was found hiding in the most obvious place: cloud nine.