Saturday, July 27, 2013

Topical Weiner Jokes

On Monday, One Direction released its newest single, "Best Song Ever". It's from their upcoming album "Blatant Lies".

On "Here Comes Honey Boo Boo" Wednesday night, Honey Boo Boo's sister tried to eat a four-pound pork sandwich known as "Pigzilla." It was her attempt to prove the saying, "You are what you eat".

Last week George Zimmerman helped rescue a family trapped in a burning SUV. Though Zimmerman didn't step in to help until the burnt SUV turned black.

A Subway employee posted a picture on Instagram of his penis on a loaf of bread. He's been fired by Subway and hired as Anthony Weiner's Chief of Staff.

New data says 17,000 children are hospitalized each year from televisions falling on them. The same study says 0 children are hospitalized each year from books falling on them.

New data says 17,000 children are hospitalized each year from televisions falling on them. On the bright side, most hospital rooms have securely mounted televisions.

A train ran off the tracks in Spain this week, tragically killing at least 78 people. It's the country's deadliest incident in the history of its annual "Running of the Trains".

This week Pope Francis made his first overseas trip since assuming the papacy when he went to Brazil. His first order of business in Brazil was getting the Popemobile waxed.

According to "Forbes" magazine, Justin Bieber made $58 million in earnings last year. So put the gun back in your mouth, America.

While promoting her new film, RIPD, Mary-Louise Parker said she wants to quit acting. She said her first step to stop acting is to study Vin Diesel.

The royal baby born this week has been projected to become King of England in the year 2082. And when that day comes, its first interview will be conducted by Larry King.

A Florida man attacked his roommate with a machete because he changed the radio station. The attack is legal under Florida's controversial "Stand Your Radio" law.

A judge in Nebraska has ordered the federal government to return over one million dollars it seized from an exotic dancer. The stripper then tossed the judge a souvenir t-shirt.

A Virginia man admitted to embezzling $400,000 from Dave Matthews Band violinist Boyd Tinsley. Though technically Tinsley embezzled the $400,000 from people who actually paid for Dave Matthews tickets.

Taco Bell announced its plans to drop kids' meals and toys from their menu. Because Taco Bell is only safe for adults who are drunk after 2am.

Highlights from "The Tonight Show Starring Johnny Carson" are now available on iTunes. So get ready to show your parents how to click through the iTunes service agreement.

A new study says where you live can have a big impact on your ability to move up the income ladder. For instance, you'll be just fine if you live in Kate Middleton's womb.

A man was arrested last weekend for trying to steal two iPads from the SUV of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie. Which means Brangelina's SUV has one iPad for every nine kids.

Catherine Zeta-Jones told a British newspaper that to deal with her bipolar disorder, she hides in a closet. So people suffering from bipolar disorder are now being recruited by the Church of Scientology.

Both Tommy Chong and his daughter, Rae Dawn Chong, agree that, had Oprah been alive during slavery, she would have worked in a field. They also agree that if she'd been alive then, that just as many people would not watch OWN.

New York City mayor Michael Bloomberg declined to comment on Anthony Weiner, saying he preferred to take "substantive questions." A reporter then rephrased the question, asking Bloomberg for his thoughts on Weiner tweeting pictures of his "Big Gulp". 

Saturday, July 20, 2013

Topical monologue jokes, again

Survival expert and TV host Bear Grylls has launched a survival academy in the US. The academy is already a big hit amongst people who like paying to drink their own urine.  

Chris Christie will appear as himself on an episode of the sitcom "The Michael J. Fox Show." Unfortunately he'll also appear as himself at the craft services table.
The hospital where Kim Kardashian gave birth has fired six employees for hacking into her medical records and invading her privacy. The fired employees were then immediately offered jobs at the E! network.

India sent out its last telegram late last Sunday night. It read "you up?".

A Canadian coroner ruled that "Glee" star Cory Monteith died of an "accidental overdose" of alcohol and heroin. Authorities are now urging the public to be responsible when mixing alcohol and heroin.

Maroon 5 keyboardist PJ Morton is going on a solo tour this summer. And by solo, he means he'll be the only person in attendance.

The city of Detroit has filed for bankruptcy. Even worse, Detroit plans to get back on its feet by mugging Cleveland.

A Delaware man was arrested for throwing semen at a woman in a Wal-Mart. So now Wal-Mart shoppers should watch out for falling prices and falling sperm.

A group of deaf customers is suing a New York Starbucks because an employee openly mocked them. But based on how badly the barista misspells all customers' names, he may also be deaf.

A "New York Times" reporter is suing Liam Gallagher of Oasis for three million dollars after he fathered her baby. The woman had a hunch the baby was Gallagher's because its crying sounded like a ripoff of The Beatles.

Last weekend before the Tampa Bay/Houston game, Carly Rae Jepsen made one of the worst ceremonial first pitches in baseball history. She was then immediately signed to bolster the pitching staff of the Chicago Cubs.

Friday, July 19, 2013

Book'd in Burbank - book jokes

I was invited back to tell jokes at Book'd in Burbank, "a bookish social gathering that treats book lovers to an evening of author readings & literary entertainment". Special thanks to Liz, Tom, & Jana for making it happen. Here are said jokes:

Linguists claim to have found a group of words that have been passed down unchanged for fifteen-thousand years. That group of words is "Happy Birthday, Larry King".

Tom Wolfe is writing a book about how language distinguishes humans from animals. Which means no one's told Tom Wolfe about Honey Boo Boo.

German researchers are developing a controversial new technology that would prevent e-book piracy by altering a story's text. For instance, it'd prevent piracy of "Fifty Shades of Grey" by removing all of the hot sex.

In the fall, Paula Deen will star as a character in a comic book. Her superpower will be the ability to make her sponsors invisible.

It's been reported that Kim Jong-un gave copies of "Mein Kampf" to high-ranking officials in honor of his birthday. While lower ranking officials received copies of Paula Deen's cookbook.

A recent survey finds Alexandria, Virginia to be the "most well-read" city in the country. While the least well-read city is Ain't Got No Books, Kentucky.

The ex-fiance of gay NBA player Jason Collins will write a memoir about his coming-out experience. The book's working title is "If I Did Him".

The Seattle Public Library has broken the world record for the longest domino chain made of books. The previous record was held by the loneliest guy in the universe.

Celebrity chef Jamie Oliver, who's dyslexic, says that he'd never read a full book until he finished the sequel to "The Hunger Games". And you know he's dyslexic because he finished the second book first.

NPR reports that while half of children under five are members of a racial minority, children's-book characters and authors remain predominantly white. Also predominantly white, people who listen to NPR.

An Egyptian writer has been sentenced to prison for a short-story collection titled "Where Is God?". The writer plans to spend the prison time writing the sequel, "Where Is God To Pick Up My Soap?".

New research suggests that reading literary fiction makes one more comfortable with ambiguity and uncertainty. Also, more comfortable with owning cats. Plural.

Next year, strands of hair belonging to late sci-fi author Arthur C. Clarke are set to be launched into space by NASA. NASA also wants to launch Donald Trump's hair, but it's considered animal cruelty.

To make books more accessible to the American public, Penguin has introduced a mobile bookstore that looks like a food-truck. Or as Americans will call it, the napkin truck.

Saturday, July 13, 2013

Topical jokes blah blah blah

According to a study, IKEA furniture accounts for one percent of the world's wood supply. It also accounts for one hundred percent of the world's leftover screws.

When Twinkies go back on sale next week, they'll have a shelf life that’s nearly 3 weeks longer than before. The new Twinkies are expected to look and taste the same, as well as cause the same type of diabetes.

"Amazing Spider-Man" star Andrew Garfield says he wants his character to be gay. In other words, he wants Spider-Man's new nemesis to be the CEO of Chick fil-A.

"Amazing Spider-Man" star Andrew Garfield says he wants his character to be gay. And if he gets his wish, when Spider-Man sees a hot guy, he'd have the ability to shoot web from his penis.

The Golden Corral food chain is being accused of improper food handling after videos and photos posted online showed food stored next to garbage. Because at the Golden Corral improper food handling is only supposed to be done by customers. 

A new lawsuit wants to allow cloned horses to be registered in a major horse association. The lawsuit also wants to allow the cloned horses to be registered in Ikea's meatball factory.

Justin Bieber apologized for uttering an expletive about Bill Clinton during a video where he peed into a mop bucket. Your move, Amanda Bynes.

According to officials from the National Transportation Safety Board, two flight attendants were ejected but survived the crash landing of Asiana Airlines Flight 214. When reached for comment, the flight attendants asked reporters to turn off their electronic devices.

According to officials from the National Transportation Safety Board, two flight attendants survived being ejected from the crash landing of Asiana Airlines Flight 214. Which was super convenient for the ground controller who wanted a ginger ale.

On Wednesday, a judge ruled that Apple conspired to raise the price of e-books. The judge said it's unfair to give American consumers yet another reason not to read.

The city council in Washington D.C. says it will consider legislation to decriminalize small amounts of marijuana. The news was praised by Willie Nelson, although he didn't realize there was such a thing as small amounts of marijuana.

Hockey fans got furious Tuesday over a picture of Justin Bieber touching the Stanley Cup. Though they would've been more furious if they'd seen the picture of Bieber singing to the Stanley Cup.

Comedy Central's next roast will be of James Franco. Producers say instead of using comedians to poke fun at Franco, they're just going to rebroadcast the time he hosted the Oscars.

On Monday, the "Today Show" ran a segment on how to survive a plane crash. Step one is to trample everyone in your path, if your name is Matt Lauer.

The former head of Groupon has released a soft rock motivational album. It's the perfect soundtrack for the day you and your friends redeem the Groupon for the wine tasting llama ride.

Whitney Houston's daughter Bobbi Kristina is engaged to the man who was raised in her home like a brother. The two say they can't wait to spend the rest of their lives together sharing the bottom bunk.