Saturday, December 14, 2013

topical monologue jokes

New research suggests that watching disturbing images on TV could lead to post-traumatic stress disorder. Which is bad news for anyone who saw Carrie Underwood in NBC's "The Sound of Music". 

A Minnesota gymnastics coach has been accused of tattooing a teenage girl without her parents permission. Even worse, the Minnesota judge has given the tattoo a score of 0.0.

An advocacy group has asked Fisher-Price to stop selling a baby seat designed to hold a child in front of an iPad. Though it's better than the Chinese version, which is designed to hold a child so that it can build an iPad.

Canada has signaled it's intention to claim the North Pole. Which means soon Santa will prefer that kids leave him cookies and maple syrup.

MTV has crowned Miley Cyrus as its best artist of the year. Which comes as a surprise to anyone who thought they knew the meanings of "best" and "artist".

Aron Ralston, the man who inspired the film "127 Hours" after he amputated his own arm in a rock climbing accident, was arrested this week for assault. Though he's claiming self-defense as the reason he punched the boulder.

An annual measure of the nation's health finds that Americans made "a notable shift" toward better health in 2013. Mostly due to Americans who got in shape by running from gunfire.

According to a recent study, high school students who are considered attractive make better grades. Though high school students who are considered unattractive still make better grades in marching band.

President Obama is supporting an initiative that aims to get students across the country to learn an hour of computer science each week. So soon students will be equipped with the computer skills to launch their own failed website.

Monday was officially recognized as "National Pastry Day". While Tuesday was officially recognized as "Wear Your Fat Pants Day".

This week at a Georgia Home Depot, a prank involving super glue left a woman stuck to a toilet seat. Then Home Depot employees pranked the woman again by offering to help her.

The sign language interpreter used at Nelson Mandela's memorial service is being called a "fake". Republicans suspected something was up because President Obama's remarks weren't interpreted with a thumbs down.

A new study found that Viagra may be used to ease women's menstrual cramps. Women were excited by the news, while some men could only get excited by the news after taking Viagra.

A new study found that Viagra may be used to ease women's menstrual cramps. Though since it's Viagra, women can expect to have their cramps eased for way longer than actually needed.

A 6-year-old boy has been suspended from a Colorado school for kissing a girl on the cheek. But on the bright side the school nurse reports that the girl hasn't showed any signs of cooties.

A fact-checking group has dubbed President Obama’s statement 'If you like your health care plan, you can keep it' as the Lie of the Year. And runner up for Lie of the Year was by Joe Biden's wife, who told Joe Biden that "Santa Claus is real."

Forbes has named Adam Sandler the most overpaid actor of 2013. While the most underpaid actor of 2013 is anyone telling Sandler that his new movie is funny.

It's been reported that North Korean leader Kim Jong Un was behind the recent sentencing and execution of his own uncle. After hearing this, even Santa Claus was like, "I hope I'm not on that guy's naughty list!"

President Obama is now vying with Nelson Mandela for Time's 'Person of the Year'. Though after passing away, Mandela is now a lock for Out of Time's 'Person of the Year'.

Beyonce surprised fans by releasing a secret album on Thursday. Though skeptics believe the real secret was that the album was actually produced by a surrogate.

Two years after releasing the song "Friday", Rebecca Black has released a follow-up, called "Saturday". The lyrics tell the story of a girl who ran out of money after Friday.

Hawaii's health director Loretta Fuddy, who approved the release of President Obama's birth certificate, died Wednesday. As expected, Donald Trump has asked to see her long-form death certificate.

The Obama administration has hired Adam Levine to promote Obamacare. And they've also hired the rest of Maroon 5 to promote the Obamacare website, because neither are known to be working.

The NSA has been secretly monitoring the Xbox live network. And they say their suspicions are confirmed: gamers aren't getting laid.

New Jersey Senator Bob Menendez proposed to his girlfriend Monday under the Capitol dome. She said "yes", but only after hours of filibustering.

Former U.S. President George H.W. Bush has joined Twitter. He says the only account he's needed to block so far is @broccoli.

Monday, December 9, 2013

8 jokes less disappointing than your Hanukkah

Applebee's announced that they are putting tablets on the tables of all their restaurants. Which is an upgrade from what they usually put on the tables of their restaurants: food.

President Obama said he uses a Blackberry since he's not allowed to have an iPhone for security reasons. His phone is secure because nobody's actually interested in stealing a Blackberry.

This year, Thanksgiving coincided with first night of Hanukkah. It's the story of how the Jews only had enough oil for one night, but made it last for eight nights of reheating leftovers.

Detroit Lions running back Reggie Bush likened taking big hits during an NFL game to "being in a car crash." While Willie Nelson likened taking big hits during an NFL game to "being in a tour bus".

In a new documentary, David Beckham said, as a young professional soccer player, he had to masturbate in front of teammates as part of a hazing ritual. Which explains why he's so comfortable being in public in only his underwear.

This year, there was a large rise in people naming their babies after characters from Breaking Bad. Though there was also a large drop in people naming their babies after characters from What Would Ryan Lochte Do?

A new study found that the state that buys the most large-sized condoms is North Dakota. However North Dakota is also the state that buys the most rubber bands.

A couple who went through a McDonald's drive-thru was given a bag full of money instead of their order. But to be fair, the order taker did ask them "Would you like cash with that?"