Sunday, February 23, 2014

topical monologue jokes not making a cameo on The Tonight Show w/Jimmy Fallon

According to the head of HBO, President Obama asked for advance episodes of “True Detective” and “Game of Thrones.” And according to the head of PBS, Vice President Biden asked for advance episodes of "Sesame Street".

The governor of Colorado has released a plan to spend 99 million dollars the state has gotten in tax money from legal sales of marijuana. The plan includes beautifying public spaces with lava lamps and blacklight posters.

Michele Bachmann says that that Americans aren't ready for a female president. While Americans say that Michele Bachmann isn't ready for a straight husband.

A company in Oregon is selling an Edward Snowden action figure. The toy is not suitable for Congressmen under 88 years old.

A new study claims that extreme loneliness can have a worse impact on your health than obesity. In other words, you're better off spooning peanut butter instead of your pillow.

This year's Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition will feature supermodel Kate Upton posing in zero gravity. So now you have no chance on Earth or off Earth with her.
VH1 is launching a new show called "Naked Dating". They say their target audience is people without real porn.
America may soon be facing a national shortage of clowns. But on the bright side, there'd also be a national shortage of clown nightmares.

America may soon be facing a national shortage of clowns. But on the bright side, clowns might finally be able to fit comfortably in cars.

Friday, February 14, 2014

topical monologue jokes

Pope Francis says the recipe for a lasting marriage is saying "please", "thanks", and "sorry". While the recipe for a lasting relationship with young boys is saying "I'm a priest".

Facebook is adding new terms people can use to identify their gender. So in addition to male or female, users can now classify themselves as a "Bruce Jenner".

Researchers are developing a pizza that stays edible for up to three years and does not require refrigeration. "We've already developed that," said college students.

Simon Cowell and his girlfriend are the proud new parents of a baby boy. The baby has the good fortune of being born to a mom and dad who can both breastfeed.

Barnes & Noble said it plans to cut jobs. In other words, there's about to be even more unemployed people using the bathroom at Barnes & Noble.

Temperatures in Sochi soared past 60 degrees this week. Experts warn that if it gets any warmer they expect the sun to be rounded up with the stray dogs.

In Kentucky, a sinkhole swallowed 8 sports cars at the National Corvette Museum. Scientists believe it's just the sinkhole going through a midlife crisis.

In Brazil, a 44-year-old fetus was found in an 84-year-old woman. When asked for comment, the woman said she was just disappointed that her 44-year-old fetus hasn't given her a grandfetus.

This week in Los Angeles a coffee shop opened called "Dumb Starbucks". Everything in the shop resembles a typical Starbucks, including drink orders that have dumb writing on them instead of your name.

New research finds that cat bites can lead to hospitalization. But on the bright side, hospitalization might mean someone bitten by a cat finally gets a human roommate.

Miley Cyrus has turned down a fan's invitation to accompany him to his prom. Though she says she'd still like to meet before prom to drink and get high.

Sears is introducing a new drive-through shopping option. It's perfect for the Sears customer who can't be bothered to shop while riding an escalator.

Sears is introducing a new drive-through shopping option. In other words, Sears employees will have new place to ask if "you'd like an extended warranty with that?"

Rapper Lil' Kim has revealed she's pregnant. Or as others are calling it, Lil' Kim is "expecting a Lil' Lil' Kim".

This week Iranian war ships were spotted heading towards the United States to test their reach. And unfortunately for the U.S., the war ships still can't reach Florida.

Comcast will buy Time Warner Cable in a deal that would combine the nation's top two cable TV companies. Though regulators may reject the deal, since it'd create a monopoly of shitty customer service.

A leading drug candidate for low sexual desire in women hasn't gotten approval for use in the United States. Experts claim it's because the United States has already approved red wine.

A new study suggests video games may improve learning skills in people with dyslexia. For instance, by playing Grand Theft Auto, dyslexics might learn how to return stolen cars.

Temperatures in Sochi soared past 60 degrees this week. It's getting so warm that all of Sochi may join Vladimir Putin in going shirtless.

China's Jade Rabbit lunar rover has been declared dead on the surface of the Moon. Which is great news for China's other lunar rover, the Jade Coyote.

Whole Foods is partnering with an app developer to let customers pay with their mobile device. Which is an upgrade from the current Whole Foods system, in which customers can only pay with their entire paycheck.

A new smartphone app in Lebanon lets citizens automatically tweet that they're still alive after a bombing. Though users should make sure that the person bombing them isn't also a follower.

Home Depot is hiring for more than 80,000 positions for the Spring season. Or as it's called in the Home Depot parking lot, "Primavera".

Closeout chain Big Lots has struck a deal to sell Twinkies, Ding Dongs and other Hostess snacks at deep discounts. Though officials warn that there will be no drop in the price to treat your diabetes.

Sunday, February 9, 2014

topical monologue jokes

The U.S. has issued a warning to airlines traveling to the Olympics about toothpaste tubes that may contain bombs. While England has issued a warning to airlines about toothpaste tubes that may contain toothpaste.

CVS announced that it will stop selling cigarettes by October. Though experts expect this just means CVS will start bumming smokes from Rite Aid.

The annual Gathering of the Juggalos, which was held in Illinois for the past 6 years, will be held in Missouri this year. Also moving locations: the annual gathering of the police with tear gas.

George Zimmerman will fight rapper DMX in a celebrity boxing match. Zimmerman says instead of jumping rope, he'll train by jumping black teens.

Leonardo DiCaprio told the "Los Angeles Times" that he's never done drugs. Mostly because drugs is not a supermodel.

A new study shows that Americans check their Facebook more than they read the bible. Which may explain why most of Americans' time on Facebook is spent coveting their neighbor's wife.

James Franco is opening an acting school. The first assignment for students will be to study James Franco hosting the Oscars and then do the opposite.