Saturday, February 28, 2015

Topical Monologue Jokes That Aren't a Colored Dress

Surveyors measuring the Washington Monument found that the structure is ten inches smaller than when it was completed in 1884. Which explains why the monument has been seen driving around town in a new Corvette.

Earlier this week, Lupita Nyongo's $150,000 Oscar gown was stolen from her hotel room. Authorities have described the dress as white and gold, while other authorities described it as blue and black. 

Director James Cameron and his wife will open the country's first all-vegan elementary school cafeteria. And like a normal school cafeteria, the meatloaf still won't be made with real meat.

In Russia, a man who had a drink with a young blonde woman awoke to discover his testicles had been removed. Authorities have classified the incident as a "marriage".

Attorney General Eric Holder said the threat of homegrown terror keeps him up at night. While Joe Biden said he's often kept up at night by the threat of the boogeyman.

Google has announced a new policy that will ban pornographic material from its blogs. So now anyone searching Google for porn will only be able to find it everywhere else.

Alaska has become the third state to legalize marijuana. Which means now the only thing in Alaska longer than the pipeline is the line for pipes.

While performing at this week's Brit Awards, Madonna fell several feet from a riser onto the stage below. Witnesses say the only thing they've seen dropped quicker was Madonna's British accent.