Saturday, April 27, 2013

Topical monologue jokes worse than the Cleveland Browns organization

Ryan Lochte showing off his counting skills.
Ryan Lochte says he wishes he had the power to read women's minds. Unfortunately for him most women's minds are above a 1st grade reading level.

Al-Qaeda terrorists were caught attempting to bomb a commercial train this week. It was part of a plot to harm scores of empty seats.

According to a new study by the National Institutes of Health, the video game "Tetris" may help treat adults with lazy eye. However the study also finds that the video game won't help adults who suffer from lazy ass.

Todd Harrell, bassist for “3 Doors Down” has been charged with vehicular homicide after being involved in a crash that killed another driver. 3 Doors Down has canceled their remaining tour dates out of respect for the victim and people who like good music.

Zach Braff launched a Kickstarter campaign for the movie “Wish I Was Here”. It's the story of a guy who learns there's a place where "Garden State" doesn't exist.

In an effort to increase the minimum wage, many fast food workers in Chicago have gone on strike. Though a more effective move would've been for them to gone on to college.

The University of Victoria in British Columbia is offering a course on the science of Batman. It's a core class for students who want to major in bullshit studies.

"People" magazine has named Gwyneth Paltrow the world's most beautiful woman. Just when you thought "People" couldn't sink any lower, they go and plagiarize the lead singer of Coldplay.

"People" magazine has named Gwyneth Paltrow the world's most beautiful woman. Which means "People" magazine has been hacked by the lead singer of Coldplay.

"People" magazine has named Gwyneth Paltrow the world's most beautiful woman. Paltrow said it's an honor because she didn't realize other women even existed.

Virgin Airlines has introduced a new in-flight service that allows travelers to buy drinks for other passengers on their flights. Virgin also plans to stop calling it "airfare" and start calling it a "cover charge".

Virgin Airlines has introduced a new in-flight service that allows travelers to buy drinks for other passengers on their flights. It's all part of their plan to make flying an even more awkward experience.

A Utah man went on "The Doctors" to show off a 14-year-old McDonald's hamburger that looks exactly the same as the day it was made. The man claims the burger has the same chemical makeup as Justin Bieber.

One of the founding members of Ace of Base was previously a member of a Nazi punk band. The musician is now considered a unanimous choice for induction into the Rock & Roll Hall Of Shame.

Jessica Simpson’s parents were officially divorced this week. It's the toughest break up for Simpson since the last time she left Burger King.

According to a new study, Belgium has the worst traffic jams in the world. Though technically the traffic there is just cars backed up from Los Angeles.

Jon Hamm will host this year's ESPY Awards. Organizers also announced that instead of using seat fillers they'll just use his penis.

Friday, April 12, 2013

Joke'd in Burbank

Last night I told some book themed jokes at Book'd In Burbank.

A conservative group, Morality in Media, named Barnes and Noble as a top facilitator of porn.
Which probably explains why most people only go there to use the bathroom.
And to be fair, any place with a free wifi connection is a facilitator of porn.
An Estonian man has returned a book 69 years late, blaming a World War II bombing that damaged the library for the late return.
Even stranger, the book was Bullshitting Librarians For Dummies.

DC Comics has introduced a new lesbian, gay, transgender and bisexual friendly character. It’s a superhero, named The Incredible HUH?!

Japan has created what it's claiming to be the smallest book ever printed.
Which means they don’t know about an even smaller book I've printed, called "Things I Understand About Women".
The cover of the book is a 1:1 scale drawing of my penis.

In honor of the two-hundredth anniversary of “Pride and Prejudice,” scenes from Jane Austen’s novels are being commemorated as stamps.
So congratulations, Post Office, on giving up.
It's all part of the Post Office's plan to make themselves even more irrelevant.

Research by English scholars allege that Shakespeare was prosecuted for tax evasion and hoarding grain.
I'd tell you more, but since it's Shakespeare, I only read the Cliffs Notes.

A young Pakistani girl who was shot in the head by the Taliban is getting $3 million to publish a memoir. It’s the largest advance for a book based on head trauma since Snooki’s memoir.

The publication of Jane Goodall's new book has been delayed after it was discovered that parts were lifted from online sources.
On the bright side, there’s free excerpts of Jane Goodall’s new book on Wikipedia.

Profits at Random House have gone up 75% because of sales for Fifty Shades of Grey.
Also up because of Fifty Shades of Grey: readers’ nipples.

Twilight author Stephenie Meyer says she hasn't read Fifty Shades of Grey because it's "too smutty".
Way to have standards, writer who’s rich from hot vampires. 
The official AP Stylebook announced that it will no longer condone use of the term "illegal" to describe a human being.
So now it’s more offensive to call someone “illegal” than it is “Kardashian”.

According to sources, Honolulu and Chicago are vying to be the site of Barack Obama's Presidential Library.
While the only site bidding to become Joe Biden’s Library is a Delaware Chuck E Cheese.

It's national poetry month. This summer a British poet
plans to walk 260 miles along England's coast to trade readings of his poetry for food and shelter.
It’s part of a lifetime quest to disappoint his parents.