Saturday, May 10, 2014

Topical Monologue Jokes Drafted Before Johnny Manziel


Kim Kardashian said she fears raising her daughter in a world where racism is "still alive." While all other mothers fear raising their daughters in a world where Kim Kardashian is still alive.

During a White House Cinco De Mayo celebration, President Obama warned his guests to be careful with the margaritas because they'll, "sneak up on you." Because after they sneak up on you, they'll also read your emails.

Miley Cyrus says that she's the "poster child for good health." Even stranger, Billy Ray Cyrus says that he's the "poster child for good haircuts."

HGTV has fired the twin brother hosts of a new show called "Flip It Forward" due to reports that they're anti-gay activists. HGTV said it'll continue to support gay culture by airing programs about homes and gardens.

A gang named The Miley Cyrus Gang has reportedly been attacking people in the city of Joliet, Illinois. More specifically, attacking their ears.

"Meet the Press" is being criticized for having Will.i.am on as political commentator last Sunday. Though to be fair, he did address the global threat of rising tensions in da club.

In the wake of the holiday security breach, Target's CEO has officially stepped down. He said now he plans to spend more time with his family's data.

Former Limp Bizkit frontman Fred Durst has directed a new commercial for eHarmony. Not to be outdone, the new Match.com commercial is reportedly being directed by Chumbawumba.

A group of friends who rented an RV for a bachelor party discovered a dead body inside one of its compartments. The group said the best part is that they weren't even charged extra.

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