Topical Monologue Jokes For Bookish Types

The following are jokes I wrote and performed at Book'd in Burbank, "a bookish social gathering that treats book lovers to an evening of author readings and literary entertainment."

Kobo, an electronics manufacturer, has released an e-reader that works even after getting wet. In other words, it’s 50 Shades of Grey proof.

A popular literary website has collected some of the worst typos in history, which includes "Thou shalt commit adultery." That typo was found in the Ten Commandments from Bill Clinton’s nightstand. 

Bestsellling novelist Nick Hornby has argued that readers should immediately put down difficult books if they aren't enjoying them. "No shit!" said college students.

This fall, a floating pop-up library is opening on New York's Hudson River. Or as hobos are calling it, a cruise ship.

B.J. Novak, actor from The Office, sees his children’s book as a “gateway drug to literature.” While children see his children’s book as a coaster for their Xbox.

An 86-year-old great-great-grandmother has published her first romance novel. It's the story of a woman who falls in love with a box of hard candies.

Kim Kardashian has plans to publish a book of selfies. The book’s working title is “Instagram”. 

Game of Thrones author George R.R. Martin is lending his influence to a New Mexico Senator running for re-election. Which means instead of being attacked with ads, opponents will be attacked with dragons.

Amtrak has selected 24 writers out of 16,000 applicants to ride a long-distance train and write. While the remaining applicants have been selected to continue loitering inside Starbucks.

A 37 year old man has broken the Guinness World Record for Harry Potter memorabilia, with a collection of over 3,000 items. His home has been declared the "Mecca for virgins".

Book It, a program that rewards young readers with free Pizza Hut, has expanded to include adults. Also expanding to include adults:  sweatpants.

Former President George W. Bush plans to publish a biography of his father, former President George H. W. Bush. Historians expect it to be the first presidential biography written in crayon.

Before his death, writer Elmore Leonard chose to have his crime novel archives housed in South Carolina instead of Detroit. But Detroit is still considered the best place for housing actual crime.

Simon & Schuster is releasing a new book that’s collected every Bob Dylan lyric ever recorded. And they say eventually they’ll offer a version that’s been translated into English.