Last month I was asked to submit jokes for a "confidential political special" about the Democratic & Republican National Conventions. Here's what I came up with (WARNING: MANY--ARGUABLY, ALL--OF THESE ARE REALLY, REALLY DUMB):
I’m here in Philadelphia, where Hillary Clinton is the first woman in American history to serve as a major party candidate for President. Or as historians are calling it, she's broken the pantsuit barrier.
It's nice to see Donald Trump show his support for the host city by painting his face the same color as a Cleveland Browns football helmet.
Look at all of these protesters. I wonder how many of them had to take the day off from unemployment.
“As a member of the Westboro Baptist Church, you've protested funerals for military officers, homosexuals, and celebrities. But is this the first time you've protested the funeral of an entire political party?”
The Democratic Convention is being covered by 20,000 credentialed media members from around the world and broadcast by all major television networks in the United States. There's more slime balls being filmed here than the last Ghostbusters movie.
The only thing at this convention less secure than Hillary Clinton's emails is Bill Clinton's pant zipper.
The last time Philadelphia held the Democratic Convention was in 1948, which is also the last time Bernie Sanders held a hairbrush.
Jeb Bush has decided to skip the convention because he's trying to distance himself from anything that might be too popular.
Donald Trump is the first major party nominee since 1940 who hasn’t held political office or a military rank. Of course it's hard for Trump to hold anything because of his tiny hands.
Only 18 of the nearly 2500 delegates at the Republican National Convention are black. And of all 50,000 convention attendees, only 1 is orange.
All of Philadelphia's 6,000 hotel rooms are booked for the Democratic National Convention. Though there's still space for young, attractive women to crash in the Bill Clinton suite.
Bernie Sanders is at the Democratic convention in an attempt to flip superdelegates. Which will be tough, because he doesn't even look strong enough to flip an Olsen twin.
The Republican National Convention is tasked with approving a platform to guide the party, and making sure the platform doesn't shatter under the weight of Chris Christie.
It's only the first day of the convention and Bill Clinton has already been caught staring at the cleavage on the Liberty Bell.
Media outlets have reported that Donald Trump had a tough time deciding whether to choose his daughter as his running mate or his life mate.
“Would you say the Democratic candidate nominating process is unfairly rigged? Or is it just fairly rigged?”
"Why did you volunteer for the National Convention? Was it because you wanted to help showcase your city and provide a positive experience for guests? Or because you wanted a new crappy shirt to wear while cleaning your kitchen?”
“How do you expect Bernie to push Hillary left when he can't even push his hair left with a comb?”
Chris Christie is expected to have a prime speaking role at the convention. He’s also expected to have a prime rib.
Here's a group of protesters called 'Stand Together Against Trump'. And after the convention they'll be reuniting to 'Stand Together in the Unemployment Line'.
“How'd you receive the details for this convention gala? Did Hillary send you a confidential invite from her hotmail account?"
The Democratic convention will host 6,000 delegates and alternates representing 50 states, the District of Columbia, six U.S. territories, and most corporate interests.
There are over 10,000 volunteers for the Democratic National Convention in Philadelphia. Jobs range from managing phones, delivering boxes, transporting attendees, assisting the press, and taking harassment from Bernie bros.
I’m here in Philadelphia, where Hillary Clinton is the first woman in American history to serve as a major party candidate for President. Or as historians are calling it, she's broken the pantsuit barrier.
It's nice to see Donald Trump show his support for the host city by painting his face the same color as a Cleveland Browns football helmet.
Look at all of these protesters. I wonder how many of them had to take the day off from unemployment.
“As a member of the Westboro Baptist Church, you've protested funerals for military officers, homosexuals, and celebrities. But is this the first time you've protested the funeral of an entire political party?”
The Democratic Convention is being covered by 20,000 credentialed media members from around the world and broadcast by all major television networks in the United States. There's more slime balls being filmed here than the last Ghostbusters movie.
The only thing at this convention less secure than Hillary Clinton's emails is Bill Clinton's pant zipper.
The last time Philadelphia held the Democratic Convention was in 1948, which is also the last time Bernie Sanders held a hairbrush.
Jeb Bush has decided to skip the convention because he's trying to distance himself from anything that might be too popular.
Donald Trump is the first major party nominee since 1940 who hasn’t held political office or a military rank. Of course it's hard for Trump to hold anything because of his tiny hands.
Only 18 of the nearly 2500 delegates at the Republican National Convention are black. And of all 50,000 convention attendees, only 1 is orange.
All of Philadelphia's 6,000 hotel rooms are booked for the Democratic National Convention. Though there's still space for young, attractive women to crash in the Bill Clinton suite.
Bernie Sanders is at the Democratic convention in an attempt to flip superdelegates. Which will be tough, because he doesn't even look strong enough to flip an Olsen twin.
The Republican National Convention is tasked with approving a platform to guide the party, and making sure the platform doesn't shatter under the weight of Chris Christie.
It's only the first day of the convention and Bill Clinton has already been caught staring at the cleavage on the Liberty Bell.
Media outlets have reported that Donald Trump had a tough time deciding whether to choose his daughter as his running mate or his life mate.
“Would you say the Democratic candidate nominating process is unfairly rigged? Or is it just fairly rigged?”
"Why did you volunteer for the National Convention? Was it because you wanted to help showcase your city and provide a positive experience for guests? Or because you wanted a new crappy shirt to wear while cleaning your kitchen?”
“How do you expect Bernie to push Hillary left when he can't even push his hair left with a comb?”
Chris Christie is expected to have a prime speaking role at the convention. He’s also expected to have a prime rib.
Here's a group of protesters called 'Stand Together Against Trump'. And after the convention they'll be reuniting to 'Stand Together in the Unemployment Line'.
“How'd you receive the details for this convention gala? Did Hillary send you a confidential invite from her hotmail account?"
The Democratic convention will host 6,000 delegates and alternates representing 50 states, the District of Columbia, six U.S. territories, and most corporate interests.
There are over 10,000 volunteers for the Democratic National Convention in Philadelphia. Jobs range from managing phones, delivering boxes, transporting attendees, assisting the press, and taking harassment from Bernie bros.
