This was written and used for a relatively popular podcast.
Thank you.
(hold for applause)
Thank you, my friends.
(hold for more applause)
Thank you. Thank you, bigly.
(hold for hot piece of ass groupies charging the stage so they can be wrangled by security and held on my tour bus)
I've just called Crooked Hillary to congratulate her on winning this totally rigged presidential election. I would've emailed her my congratulations, but we know what a total disaster she is with that technology. And for the record: when I mark Crooked Hillary's email with a “C”, it doesn't stand for “Confidential”, it stands for “C U Next Tuesday”.
Crooked Hillary's supporters and campaign staff deserve special congratulations for the tremendous job they did pretending like she doesn't have serious medical issues.
And congratulations to Hillary's husband, Bill Clinton, who gets to resume “vetting” White House interns. Folks, he's ready to Make America Rape Again.
Congratulations to Hillary's wardrobe stylist for single-handedly keeping Chico's & Talbots in business. If you're unfamiliar, Chico's and Talbots are chain stores that cater to “mature” women. “Mature” is code for the type of women who only come forward with sexual assault allegations when they're decades past their prime. Just sayin'.
Folks, this is a time of tremendous challenges for America, and I pray to Trump that someone stops Crooked Hillary's 30 year streak of making America not so great. I don't know who could do it, maybe the 2nd amendment people?
I want to thank Mike Pence, my running mate. Aside from my inevitable next wife, Mike is the best choice I've ever made. And trust me, I've made a lot of great choices. Fantastic choices, really.
I want to thank Melania—who according to our marriage license, is the love of my life at the moment. Can you believe she's only 46?! We all know a woman's expiration date is the day she turns 50, which is why I've been chanting “Four More Years!” Four more years until she's decommissioned as my wife and shipped back to Slovenia. Don't worry, she doesn't understand a word I'm saying right now. Melania would have been a wonderful first lady, but she'll have to settle for being a wonderful third wife.
I'd like to thank my former campaign manager, Corey Lewandowski. Corey was the battery that kept the campaign running--as in “assault and battery”. Man, does that guy know how to punch a protester! He's got a bright career ahead of him. I've recommended him to my good friend Don King.
I want to thank my sons: Eric, and Donald Jr., and also the really young one. What's his name again? Anyways, Eric and Donald Jr. really stuck out their necks for me, which showed what they're made of. It also showed what their jawlines are made of: nothing.
Thank you to my daughters, Ivanka and Tiffany. Despite what people say, I have zero sexual interest in either of you. Because that'd be illegal. And I respect the law as much as I respect women.
I'd like to thank Governor Chris Christie for always having my back—which is a great back by the way--believe me, my doctor says so. Any disagreements Governor Christie and I had during the primary was just water under the bridge he'd closed illegally.
I'd like to thank former New York City Mayor Rudy Giuliani. I've heard people say that Rudy Giuliani shows the symptoms of suffering from a stroke, and they're right—a stroke of genius for supporting Donald Trump.
Thank you to Paul Ryan, Reince Preibus, and the entire Republican party. I couldn't have done “it” without you. And when I say “it”, I mean lose this rigged election to Crooked Hillary.
And thanks to everyone here and across the country who supported our campaign, even though it meant enduring constant ridicule from total pussies. I hope you grabbed those pussies by the pussy and showed 'em not to screw with you.
Let's face it folks, America is a total disaster right now. Americans are using their phones to catch imaginary monsters, when they should be using their phones to call INS and catch the real monsters—foreigners.
We're getting killed in trade by the Chinese, and we're getting killed in math and science by the Chinese-American immigrants in our very own schools. Sad!
Jobs are leaving the country faster than ever. Just a few weeks ago a job left NBC's Today Show. Which proves that no one is safe, not even the Bush family.
I had the best plan to lead this country, but unfortunately the people rigging this election have spoken, and I will not be the person to Make American Great Again. Your loss!
In closing, you're welcome, everyone! For the endless hours I worked to Make Politics Entertaining Again. And may Trump bless America. I am the best. You're welcome. You're really tremendously welcome.
And follow @realDonaldTrump on Twitter for a live-tweet of Crooked Hillary's entire presidential term.
