Topical monologue jokes

A new breathalyzer is being developed that snaps into your smartphone and tells you when not to drive home. However it's still unable to tell you when not to text pictures of your penis.

On Wednesday, the Catholic Church selected its new leader, Pope Francis. He spent the first day as Pope like any new employee does: rolling his eyes during a session on sexual harassment.

A teenage skier who survived two freezing nights alone in the woods said he used skills he learned from reality television to survive. More specifically, he called mother nature a skank and then threw a wine glass at her head.

According the U.S. Census Bureau, a large number of Americans have "megacommutes" of more than 90 minutes each way to work. Or as Los Angeles calls it, driving one block.

Oprah Winfrey will deliver this year's graduation address at Harvard. And instead of graduates receiving diplomas on stage, Oprah will just tell everyone to "look under your seats!"

Music mogul Clive Davis says that prior to Whitney Houston's death, he tried getting her to quit smoking cigarettes. But instead of quitting cold turkey, she quit cold Whitney.

According to reports, a Greyhound bus was forced to stop in New Jersey on Friday after a large number of cockroaches were discovered. The bus stopped because New Jersey was final destination for the cockroaches.