Topical monologue jokes staying home for Spring Break

An Uber driver was arrested after breaking into the home of a woman he'd just dropped off at the airport. The woman became suspicious when she was given the option to tip the driver 10%, 15%, or "a flatscreen tv".

Facebook has rolled out a new feature that allows parents to share even more photos of their children. The feature is called "Facebook".

This past Wednesday was April Fools' Day. Or as Brian Williams calls it, "amateur hour".

The Kennedy Institute has unveiled a replica of the U.S. Senate Chamber. The replica is so accurate that the entire Senate can comfortably fit inside and pass zero bills.

Engineers have resolved a glitch that had caused a two year delay to relaunch the Large Hadron Collider. The glitch was fixed when engineers hit Control+Alt-Delete.

Movie mogul Harvey Weinstein has been accused of groping a woman. To be fair, Weinstein probably just mistook the woman for a Quentin Tarantino script.

Blackberry reported $28 million in profits in the fourth quarter of last year. The announcement was made by their new Chief Financial Officer, Brian Williams.

According to a new study, consumption of fruits containing large amounts of pesticide residue may lower men's sperm counts. Which means now you might start asking, "Is that a banana in your pocket, or are you just happy to see your sperm?"

According to a new study, nearly one in five young people suffers from what's called "exploding head syndrome". The syndrome affects young people who're told that selfie sticks are banned from Coachella.