Monday, February 18, 2013

Topical monologue jokes even dumber than the Harlem Shake


Officials say two people snuck into the Super Bowl without tickets because everyone was distracted by Beyonce's half-time performance. Those people are the other two members of Destiny's Child.

A documentary set to air on MTV reportedly shows Ke$ha drinking her own urine. Which means Ke$ha's urine now has herpes.

Warren Buffett has purchased condiment maker Heinz for $23.2 billion. The sale was made after Buffett told his assistant to "go buy ketchup".

On Thursday, a brawl involving hundreds of students at a Minneapolis high school started as a food fight. Police were forced to break up the melee with a chemical spray, called "I Can't Believe It's Not Tear Gas".

On Thursday night, a Carnival cruise ship adrift for five days in the Gulf of Mexico finally docked in Mobile, Alabama. Local officials mistook the massive, disabled vessel spewing waste as just another Alabama resident.

An Argentine woman has married the man convicted of killing her twin sister. When asked for comment the woman said, "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, I'm dead."

Federal officials have solicited proposals to create six national drone test sites. This would be in addition to the country's main site for drones: C-Span.

Medical examiners have positively identified the remains of fugitive ex-cop Christopher Dorner, who was incinerated after the cabin he was in burned to the ground. Authorities described the charred site of Dorner's last stand as a job "well-done".

A man is in custody after Washington state police found him with more than 1,000 pounds of stolen mail. He's being held on $250,000 bail and charged with possession of worthless property.

NYC Mayor Michel Bloomberg says arrests for small quantities of marijuana will no longer mean a night in jail. The only exception is if the pot is being smoked out a Big Gulp bong.

Robbie Rogers, a former member of the U.S. national soccer team, revealed Friday that he is gay. "Told you so!" said everyone who's ever played football.

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