Topical monologue jokes even Ray Lewis couldn't kill with

"These jokes would be horrible accomplices."

Scientists have developed a Star Trek style tractor beam that uses light to attract objects. And since it's Star Trek style, the only object the beam can't attract is a girlfriend. 

On Tuesday, famed daredevil Nik Wallenda glided 500 feet across a wire suspended 200 feet over a Florida highway. Onlookers described the act as "less dangerous than driving in Florida".

An American professor says it will soon be possible to create a living Neanderthal. The professor's research is based on the marriage license between Lamar Odom and Khloe Kardashian. 

Oh, you're in the Hep C tribe?

US researchers have found a link between tattoos and Hepatitis C. So instead of asking someone what their tattoo means you can assume it means liver failure.

George Ryan, the fourth of Illinois' last seven governors to be convicted of crime, was released from a federal prison. Or as Illinois calls it, the ex-governor's mansion.

Casey Anthony has filed for bankruptcy. Though officials are confident they'll find her money in the woods near her home.

Morrissey has cancelled shows on his current tour after being hospitalized with a bleeding ulcer. Officials say ticket holders are entitled to receive a full refund and therapy.

It's been reported that China may lift a decade-long ban on video game consoles. Which means Chinese kids might finally get to enjoy the fruits of their labor.

The US military has announced that they're pursuing 'Mission Impossible' like devices that are capable of self-destructing. "Sounds like a job for us," said Microsoft.

San Francisco is on track to become the first city with zero waste. Environmental officials say this feat could only be accomplished due to San Francisco's love of consuming its own bullshit.

"Hilary, can you recommend a good suit tailor?"

The US Senate has approved John Kerry as the next secretary of state to replace Hilary Clinton. Kerry acknowledged that he has big shoes to fill and an even bigger pant suit. 

A motorcyclist proposed to his girlfriend in the middle of LA's 10 freeway. The woman agreed to spend the rest of her life with the man, because that's how long they'd be in traffic.

A motorcyclist proposed to his girlfriend in the middle of LA's 10 freeway. The woman said "yes", but by the time they got through traffic the couple was divorced with five kids.

A motorcyclist briefly shut down a busy LA freeway to propose to his girlfriend. Drivers stuck in the traffic were angry to be delayed from being stuck in other traffic.

Taco Bell is pulling a tv ad after receiving complaints that it discouraged people from eating vegetables. But to be fair, Taco Bell ads also discourage people from eating meat.

Two Atlanta men have been arrested in connection with stealing $65,000 worth of frozen chicken wings. The duo is being charged with intent to host a killer Super Bowl party.

Kim Kardashian's family are reportedly hiring a professional videographer to tape her baby shower. Sources say the videographer will be Ray J.

"Laura, can we visit Barney's farm tomorrow?"

Barney, a Scottish terrier who served in the White House under President George W. Bush, has died from lymphoma. Laura Bush said the hardest part was telling George that Barney was sent to a big happy farm for sick dogs. 

Bank of America says its online banking website crashed Friday, leaving customers temporarily unable to access their accounts. Even worse, customers were charged a $2 inconvenience fee.

On Friday, authorities searched for a convicted murderer who was mistakenly released from custody in Chicago. The man was found hiding in the most obvious place: cloud nine.