Topical Monologue Jokes To Read To Your Mother

"Oh mom, these hacky Ke$ha punchlines never get old!"

The CEO of Blackberry says tablets will be useless in five years. Which means soon people will just start calling them "Blackberrys".

On Thursday two Carnival cruise ship passengers went missing off the coast of Australia. Or as any Carnival passenger would call it, "an upgrade".

Male porn star, Mr. Marcus, was arrested on Thursday for driving drunk. It marked his first encounter with a man dressed as an officer who wasn't his co-star.

"Sesame Street" added a third Spanish-speaking character to its cast. Which confirms that Sesame Street is now brought to you by the letters "A C L and U".

A recent study found that despite new laws, about half of all teens still text while driving. Experts say the only way to convince them to stop is by telling them that their parents think it's "cool".

A group of fans from Florida built a real life Batmobile costing an estimated $1.6 million. Their next project: building a real life girlfriend.

Green Day frontman Billie Joe Armstrong has called Korean pop star Psy the "herpes of music". Psy denied the claim by reminding everyone that the herpes of music is still Ke$ha.

For the first time ever men will be able to purchase Viagra over the internet. Though it'll still be available over the counter for men who prefer to embarrass themselves in public.

Due to extremely high ticket prices, The Rolling Stones are having sales troubles for their "50 and Counting" concert tour. In other words, fans want to save money so they can retire before they're as old as the Rolling Stones.

Manti Teo's fake girlfriend, Lennay Kekua, is number sixty-nine in the annual list of Maxim's 100 hottest women. They've also given her a spot on their list of Maxim's 100 remaining subscribers.

After the New York Jets first practice, rookie quarterback Geno Smith gave himself an "F". While Jets fans gave veteran quarterback Mark Sanchez an "F U".

A Catholic group has labeled David Bowie as a "switch-hitting, bisexual senior citizen." Upon hearing this, the Cubs named Bowie to their starting lineup.

For the fourth time, Neil Patrick Harris will host the Tony Awards. Which means he's hosted the Tony Awards almost as much as he's hosted guys named Tony.

A girl who didn’t get asked to prom took her calculator instead, even dressing it up in a tuxedo. It was all part of her plan to prove that the other students were right.

In honor of Mother's Day, Hooters offered all moms a free meal. And to daughters who don't celebrate Father's Day, Hooters is offering free job applications.

A solar powered plane flew from San Francisco to Phoenix without using a drop of fuel. Even more impressive is how a solar powered plane took off from San Francisco without using a drop of sunlight.

Nick Lachey says the best part about being divorced from Jessica Simpson is that he no longer has to play grab ass with Joe Simpson. He says that now the only time he has to play grab ass is at a 98 Degrees reunion.

Adam Levine has signed a development deal with NBC. Insiders expect Levine to develop a show based on a book of douchey tattoos.

So far, 78,000 people have applied to take a 7 month journey to Mars without ever returning—all with limited food and no showering. Selected applicants will train for the mission by taking a Carnival Cruise.

Anne Hathaway has died her hair blonde. Because blondes have more fun being hated.

This week Honey Boo Boo's mother Mama June got married. And instead of tossing rose petals, the flour girl tossed pizzas.

In an interview with Piers Morgan, Lindsay Lohan revealed that she’s only taken cocaine “4 or 5 times.” She went on to reveal that she's also only told the truth "4 or 5 times".

Since a company demonstrated how to make a gun with a 3-D printer, more than 100,000 people have downloaded the blueprints. In news just as disturbing, blueprints were downloaded by Baz Luhrmann to make a 3-D "The Great Gatsby".

Sir Alex Ferguson is retiring after more than 26 years as England's most successful soccer manager. Or as Americans knew him, "The Sandman".

Pizza Hut has launched an app that allows gamers to place orders directly through their Xbox. Which means now gamers can order pizza without having to hang up the phone on their imaginary girlfriends.

Neighbors are complaining that Gwyneth Paltrow's gate is too high and an eyesore. Paltrow claims that the gate only protects her family's privacy from people who aren't major media outlets.

A new poll named Tom Hanks as America's most trusted celebrity. The same poll revealed that America's least trusted celebrity is Chaz Bono's sex organs.

Jason Collins was engaged at one time to WNBA player Carolyn Moos, who is planning on writing a book. The book will detail how Collins broke off the engagement by telling Moos that he was "interested in other men".

Shares of Whole Foods stock hit its highest value in more than a year. However it's still not as valuable as finding a parking spot at Whole Foods.

Liam Gallagher of Oasis has revealed that he recently almost died from an allergic reaction after he ate an M&M. The incident was Gallagher's first brush with death and not copying the Beatles.

The Obama administration officially identified attacks on US government computer systems as coming from China. Though technically the attacks are just Paypal requests from China for $1 trillion dollars.

New research shows that two strangers who both own dogs are likely to share the same skin bacteria. It's especially true if one of those strangers is Ke$ha.

The mother of "Simpsons" creator Matt Groening, has died at age 94. Groening has asked that in lieu of flowers, to please send actual funny jokes to The Simpsons.