Pope Francis says the recipe for a lasting marriage is saying "please", "thanks", and "sorry". While the recipe for a lasting relationship with young boys is saying "I'm a priest".
Facebook is adding new terms people can use to identify their gender. So in addition to male or female, users can now classify themselves as a "Bruce Jenner".
Researchers are developing a pizza that stays edible for up to three years and does not require refrigeration. "We've already developed that," said college students.
Simon Cowell and his girlfriend are the proud new parents of a baby boy. The baby has the good fortune of being born to a mom and dad who can both breastfeed.
Barnes & Noble said it plans to cut jobs. In other words, there's about to be even more unemployed people using the bathroom at Barnes & Noble.
Temperatures in Sochi soared past 60 degrees this week. Experts warn that if it gets any warmer they expect the sun to be rounded up with the stray dogs.
In Kentucky, a sinkhole swallowed 8 sports cars at the National Corvette Museum. Scientists believe it's just the sinkhole going through a midlife crisis.
In Brazil, a 44-year-old fetus was found in an 84-year-old woman. When asked for comment, the woman said she was just disappointed that her 44-year-old fetus hasn't given her a grandfetus.
This week in Los Angeles a coffee shop opened called "Dumb Starbucks". Everything in the shop resembles a typical Starbucks, including drink orders that have dumb writing on them instead of your name.
New research finds that cat bites can lead to hospitalization. But on the bright side, hospitalization might mean someone bitten by a cat finally gets a human roommate.
Miley Cyrus has turned down a fan's invitation to accompany him to his prom. Though she says she'd still like to meet before prom to drink and get high.
Sears is introducing a new drive-through shopping option. It's perfect for the Sears customer who can't be bothered to shop while riding an escalator.
Sears is introducing a new drive-through shopping option. In other words, Sears employees will have new place to ask if "you'd like an extended warranty with that?"
Rapper Lil' Kim has revealed she's pregnant. Or as others are calling it, Lil' Kim is "expecting a Lil' Lil' Kim".
This week Iranian war ships were spotted heading towards the United States to test their reach. And unfortunately for the U.S., the war ships still can't reach Florida.
Comcast will buy Time Warner Cable in a deal that would combine the nation's top two cable TV companies. Though regulators may reject the deal, since it'd create a monopoly of shitty customer service.
A leading drug candidate for low sexual desire in women hasn't gotten approval for use in the United States. Experts claim it's because the United States has already approved red wine.
A new study suggests video games may improve learning skills in people with dyslexia. For instance, by playing Grand Theft Auto, dyslexics might learn how to return stolen cars.
Temperatures in Sochi soared past 60 degrees this week. It's getting so warm that all of Sochi may join Vladimir Putin in going shirtless.
China's Jade Rabbit lunar rover has been declared dead on the surface of the Moon. Which is great news for China's other lunar rover, the Jade Coyote.
Whole Foods is partnering with an app developer to let customers pay with their mobile device. Which is an upgrade from the current Whole Foods system, in which customers can only pay with their entire paycheck.
A new smartphone app in Lebanon lets citizens automatically tweet that they're still alive after a bombing. Though users should make sure that the person bombing them isn't also a follower.
Home Depot is hiring for more than 80,000 positions for the Spring season. Or as it's called in the Home Depot parking lot, "Primavera".
Closeout chain Big Lots has struck a deal to sell Twinkies, Ding Dongs and other Hostess snacks at deep discounts. Though officials warn that there will be no drop in the price to treat your diabetes.
