Topical monologue jokes dopier than Lance Armstrong

"Likover has never used humor enhanced jokes."

New research reveals about 35% of U.S. adults say they've used the Internet to diagnose their medical condition. And 100% of those adults then used the internet to treat their condition with porn.

On Monday authorities at Chicago's O'Hare Airport discovered eighteen severed human heads. The situation was cleared up when the heads explained that they had just returned from a trip to Mexico.

On Monday authorities at Chicago's O'Hare Airport discovered eighteen severed human heads. After an extensive investigation the heads were then offered jobs as TSA screeners.

The U.S. Air Force says a search of its facilities has turned up tens of thousands of items it considers to be "offensive, inappropriate or pornographic." Or as it's called in civilian terms, "the internet".

A new survey reveals that the number of people visiting the emergency room after ingesting energy drinks has doubled in the last four years. Doctors say these patients typically arrive in "serious but annoying condition".

A new survey reveals that the number of people visiting the emergency room after ingesting energy drinks has doubled in the last four years. And to keep up with the visits, the number of doctors ingesting energy drinks has also doubled.

A new survey reveals that the number of people visiting the emergency room after ingesting energy drinks has doubled in the last four years. The wait in emergency rooms has become so long that to stay awake patients just chug another 5 Hour Energy. 

Oprah Winfrey said she was "mesmerized and riveted" by her interview with Lance Armstrong. Winfrey also said she didn't expect Armstrong to actually admit to using the Oprah Winfrey Network.

A new study finds that that the more money college students get from their parents, the lower their grades are. Which explains why Mitt Romney was so familiar with losing the 47 percent.

Astronomers have discovered the largest known structure in the universe - so large it would take 4 billion years to cross it while traveling at speed of light. They're calling it "Chris Christie's belt".

New research shows that people are more likely to remember the text from Facebook posts than text from books. Publishers say they plan to adapt by re-releasing classics such as Tolstoy's "War and LOL".

Kim Kardashian told "Today" that she had trouble conceiving a child. She said most of the trouble was due a faulty camcorder.

Kim Kardashian told "Today" that she had trouble conceiving a child. "That was a hint," said God.

A Washington woman has been accused of smothering her boyfriend to death with her breasts. The victim's family say he died doing what he and every straight man loved.

Wal-Mart has announced plans to hire 100,000 military veterans. It's all part of Walmart's new slogan: "Watch out for falling soldiers!"