Topical monologue jokes that even Lindsay Lohan wouldn't steal

New Jersey governor Chris Christie is on the cover of Time magazine. But if you want to see the entire cover picture it's continued on page 87.

Honey Boo Boo's mother says she's protecting her kids by setting up their college trust funds. Which means it's actually the money that will be protected forever.

On Monday the chairman of Google arrived in North Korea. When hearing this even Google was like "Did you mean South Korea?"

Publisher Doubleday has announced that 'Fifty Shades of Grey' will be released with hardcovers. It makes it first book to be released that comes aroused by itself. The hardcover also means now readers can skip all of the foreplay.

Scientists have determined that the giant peach in the book James and the Giant Peach would have actually taken 2.5 million seagulls to lift in the air, not 501 as written by the author. Although scientists still can't find one seagull who'd rather lift a peach instead of crap on your car.

The Baseball Hall of Fame denied induction to Roger Clemens, Mark McGwire and Barry Bonds this year, citing steroid use. However, it's the same reason all three were unanimously inducted into the shrunken balls hall of fame.

Mike Tyson is set to have a guest role on Law & Order: SVU. He'll be appearing alongside his face tattoo.

South Carolina Police nabbed a teenager when they followed a trail of Cheetos leading from a convenience store he had robbed to a local residence where he was staying. Fingerprints taken from the crime scene reportedly match the suspect because they're "extra cheesy".

All of the McDonalds in Britain are replacing the toys in Happy Meals with books. Or as kids at McDonalds call them, "napkins".

Destiny’s Child will reportedly reunite at this year's Super Bowl. Because Beyonce needs two more people to carry her bags.

Alabama beat Notre Dame to win the BCS Championship. So Alabama is #1 in football, but they're still only #2 in obesity.