Topical monologue jokes that even JJ Abrams won't direct

"There's not enough lens flare in the world to make these jokes good."

Detroit will get $20 million from the state of Michigan for meeting goals aimed at restructuring the city's finances. And since it's Detroit, they'll be taking the $20 million from Michigan at gunpoint. 

North Korean nuclear launch pad

Newly released satellite images reveal that North Korea is ready to carry out its threat to conduct a nuclear test. The photos reveal a team of North Korean scientists huddled around a catapult.

Video game maker Atari has filed for bankruptcy. So the next version of space invaders will be Atari moving back into its parents' basement.

In a TV interview with Katie Couric, Notre Dame linebacker Manti Te'o admitted that he lied about his online girlfriend after discovering she didn't exist. Couric then admitted lying about the interview after discovering her viewers didn't exist. 


Pearl Jam is scheduled to perform a concert at Chicago's Wrigley Field. And if they play like the Cubs, fans won't get to see any hits.

Barbara Walters was hospitalized last weekend after falling down a set of stairs and hitting her head. Doctors say the damage to her head has caused Walters to experience Elizabeth Hasselbeck-like symptoms.

Prince told "Billboard" magazine that he doesn't speak to old people. When asked for comment, old people could not hear the question.

The owners of Pabst Blue Ribbon may buy Twinkies. They came up with the idea during a night of binge drinking Pabst Blue Ribbon.

A new study shows the South African dung beetle is the only member of the animal kingdom to navigate by using the Milky Way. Though technically Chris Christie navigates by using the Milky Way bars.

Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano warned that a "cyber 9/11" could happen "imminently". Though experts say there's no way terrorists have a plane big enough to topple porn.

Six degrees of Kevin Bacon jokes

A county in Ireland has voted to permit people to drive when they are moderately drunk. They're calling it "Lohan's Law".

A 1-year-old boy will survive after his father forgot to remove him from his car in below-freezing weather. "Rookie mistake," said Casey Anthony.

The premiere of Kevin Bacon's new TV show Monday night got over 10 million viewers. Though the high ratings were probably due to American viewers mistaking Kevin Bacon for actual bacon.