Book'd in Burbank - book jokes

I was invited back to tell jokes at Book'd in Burbank, "a bookish social gathering that treats book lovers to an evening of author readings & literary entertainment". Special thanks to Liz, Tom, & Jana for making it happen. Here are said jokes:

Linguists claim to have found a group of words that have been passed down unchanged for fifteen-thousand years. That group of words is "Happy Birthday, Larry King".

Tom Wolfe is writing a book about how language distinguishes humans from animals. Which means no one's told Tom Wolfe about Honey Boo Boo.

German researchers are developing a controversial new technology that would prevent e-book piracy by altering a story's text. For instance, it'd prevent piracy of "Fifty Shades of Grey" by removing all of the hot sex.

In the fall, Paula Deen will star as a character in a comic book. Her superpower will be the ability to make her sponsors invisible.

It's been reported that Kim Jong-un gave copies of "Mein Kampf" to high-ranking officials in honor of his birthday. While lower ranking officials received copies of Paula Deen's cookbook.

A recent survey finds Alexandria, Virginia to be the "most well-read" city in the country. While the least well-read city is Ain't Got No Books, Kentucky.

The ex-fiance of gay NBA player Jason Collins will write a memoir about his coming-out experience. The book's working title is "If I Did Him".

The Seattle Public Library has broken the world record for the longest domino chain made of books. The previous record was held by the loneliest guy in the universe.

Celebrity chef Jamie Oliver, who's dyslexic, says that he'd never read a full book until he finished the sequel to "The Hunger Games". And you know he's dyslexic because he finished the second book first.

NPR reports that while half of children under five are members of a racial minority, children's-book characters and authors remain predominantly white. Also predominantly white, people who listen to NPR.

An Egyptian writer has been sentenced to prison for a short-story collection titled "Where Is God?". The writer plans to spend the prison time writing the sequel, "Where Is God To Pick Up My Soap?".

New research suggests that reading literary fiction makes one more comfortable with ambiguity and uncertainty. Also, more comfortable with owning cats. Plural.

Next year, strands of hair belonging to late sci-fi author Arthur C. Clarke are set to be launched into space by NASA. NASA also wants to launch Donald Trump's hair, but it's considered animal cruelty.

To make books more accessible to the American public, Penguin has introduced a mobile bookstore that looks like a food-truck. Or as Americans will call it, the napkin truck.