Saturday, July 20, 2013

Topical monologue jokes, again


Survival expert and TV host Bear Grylls has launched a survival academy in the US. The academy is already a big hit amongst people who like paying to drink their own urine.  

Chris Christie will appear as himself on an episode of the sitcom "The Michael J. Fox Show." Unfortunately he'll also appear as himself at the craft services table.
 
The hospital where Kim Kardashian gave birth has fired six employees for hacking into her medical records and invading her privacy. The fired employees were then immediately offered jobs at the E! network.

India sent out its last telegram late last Sunday night. It read "you up?".

A Canadian coroner ruled that "Glee" star Cory Monteith died of an "accidental overdose" of alcohol and heroin. Authorities are now urging the public to be responsible when mixing alcohol and heroin.

Maroon 5 keyboardist PJ Morton is going on a solo tour this summer. And by solo, he means he'll be the only person in attendance.

The city of Detroit has filed for bankruptcy. Even worse, Detroit plans to get back on its feet by mugging Cleveland.

A Delaware man was arrested for throwing semen at a woman in a Wal-Mart. So now Wal-Mart shoppers should watch out for falling prices and falling sperm.

A group of deaf customers is suing a New York Starbucks because an employee openly mocked them. But based on how badly the barista misspells all customers' names, he may also be deaf.

A "New York Times" reporter is suing Liam Gallagher of Oasis for three million dollars after he fathered her baby. The woman had a hunch the baby was Gallagher's because its crying sounded like a ripoff of The Beatles.

Last weekend before the Tampa Bay/Houston game, Carly Rae Jepsen made one of the worst ceremonial first pitches in baseball history. She was then immediately signed to bolster the pitching staff of the Chicago Cubs.

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