Saturday, July 13, 2013

Topical jokes blah blah blah


 
According to a study, IKEA furniture accounts for one percent of the world's wood supply. It also accounts for one hundred percent of the world's leftover screws.

When Twinkies go back on sale next week, they'll have a shelf life that’s nearly 3 weeks longer than before. The new Twinkies are expected to look and taste the same, as well as cause the same type of diabetes.

"Amazing Spider-Man" star Andrew Garfield says he wants his character to be gay. In other words, he wants Spider-Man's new nemesis to be the CEO of Chick fil-A.

"Amazing Spider-Man" star Andrew Garfield says he wants his character to be gay. And if he gets his wish, when Spider-Man sees a hot guy, he'd have the ability to shoot web from his penis.

The Golden Corral food chain is being accused of improper food handling after videos and photos posted online showed food stored next to garbage. Because at the Golden Corral improper food handling is only supposed to be done by customers. 

A new lawsuit wants to allow cloned horses to be registered in a major horse association. The lawsuit also wants to allow the cloned horses to be registered in Ikea's meatball factory.

Justin Bieber apologized for uttering an expletive about Bill Clinton during a video where he peed into a mop bucket. Your move, Amanda Bynes.

According to officials from the National Transportation Safety Board, two flight attendants were ejected but survived the crash landing of Asiana Airlines Flight 214. When reached for comment, the flight attendants asked reporters to turn off their electronic devices.

According to officials from the National Transportation Safety Board, two flight attendants survived being ejected from the crash landing of Asiana Airlines Flight 214. Which was super convenient for the ground controller who wanted a ginger ale.

On Wednesday, a judge ruled that Apple conspired to raise the price of e-books. The judge said it's unfair to give American consumers yet another reason not to read.

The city council in Washington D.C. says it will consider legislation to decriminalize small amounts of marijuana. The news was praised by Willie Nelson, although he didn't realize there was such a thing as small amounts of marijuana.

Hockey fans got furious Tuesday over a picture of Justin Bieber touching the Stanley Cup. Though they would've been more furious if they'd seen the picture of Bieber singing to the Stanley Cup.

Comedy Central's next roast will be of James Franco. Producers say instead of using comedians to poke fun at Franco, they're just going to rebroadcast the time he hosted the Oscars.

On Monday, the "Today Show" ran a segment on how to survive a plane crash. Step one is to trample everyone in your path, if your name is Matt Lauer.

The former head of Groupon has released a soft rock motivational album. It's the perfect soundtrack for the day you and your friends redeem the Groupon for the wine tasting llama ride.

Whitney Houston's daughter Bobbi Kristina is engaged to the man who was raised in her home like a brother. The two say they can't wait to spend the rest of their lives together sharing the bottom bunk.



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