Topical Weiner Jokes

On Monday, One Direction released its newest single, "Best Song Ever". It's from their upcoming album "Blatant Lies".

On "Here Comes Honey Boo Boo" Wednesday night, Honey Boo Boo's sister tried to eat a four-pound pork sandwich known as "Pigzilla." It was her attempt to prove the saying, "You are what you eat".

Last week George Zimmerman helped rescue a family trapped in a burning SUV. Though Zimmerman didn't step in to help until the burnt SUV turned black.

A Subway employee posted a picture on Instagram of his penis on a loaf of bread. He's been fired by Subway and hired as Anthony Weiner's Chief of Staff.

New data says 17,000 children are hospitalized each year from televisions falling on them. The same study says 0 children are hospitalized each year from books falling on them.

New data says 17,000 children are hospitalized each year from televisions falling on them. On the bright side, most hospital rooms have securely mounted televisions.

A train ran off the tracks in Spain this week, tragically killing at least 78 people. It's the country's deadliest incident in the history of its annual "Running of the Trains".

This week Pope Francis made his first overseas trip since assuming the papacy when he went to Brazil. His first order of business in Brazil was getting the Popemobile waxed.

According to "Forbes" magazine, Justin Bieber made $58 million in earnings last year. So put the gun back in your mouth, America.

While promoting her new film, RIPD, Mary-Louise Parker said she wants to quit acting. She said her first step to stop acting is to study Vin Diesel.

The royal baby born this week has been projected to become King of England in the year 2082. And when that day comes, its first interview will be conducted by Larry King.

A Florida man attacked his roommate with a machete because he changed the radio station. The attack is legal under Florida's controversial "Stand Your Radio" law.

A judge in Nebraska has ordered the federal government to return over one million dollars it seized from an exotic dancer. The stripper then tossed the judge a souvenir t-shirt.

A Virginia man admitted to embezzling $400,000 from Dave Matthews Band violinist Boyd Tinsley. Though technically Tinsley embezzled the $400,000 from people who actually paid for Dave Matthews tickets.

Taco Bell announced its plans to drop kids' meals and toys from their menu. Because Taco Bell is only safe for adults who are drunk after 2am.

Highlights from "The Tonight Show Starring Johnny Carson" are now available on iTunes. So get ready to show your parents how to click through the iTunes service agreement.

A new study says where you live can have a big impact on your ability to move up the income ladder. For instance, you'll be just fine if you live in Kate Middleton's womb.

A man was arrested last weekend for trying to steal two iPads from the SUV of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie. Which means Brangelina's SUV has one iPad for every nine kids.

Catherine Zeta-Jones told a British newspaper that to deal with her bipolar disorder, she hides in a closet. So people suffering from bipolar disorder are now being recruited by the Church of Scientology.

Both Tommy Chong and his daughter, Rae Dawn Chong, agree that, had Oprah been alive during slavery, she would have worked in a field. They also agree that if she'd been alive then, that just as many people would not watch OWN.

New York City mayor Michael Bloomberg declined to comment on Anthony Weiner, saying he preferred to take "substantive questions." A reporter then rephrased the question, asking Bloomberg for his thoughts on Weiner tweeting pictures of his "Big Gulp".