jokes, yo

 
Due to plummeting sales, the company that makes Crocs may go private. Though the people who wear Crocs will continue to go way too public.

This week in Washington state, a man was surprised when his dog brought home a human leg. Though he wasn't surprised when the dog wouldn't stop humping it.

A Florida man was arrested this week for masturbating at the DMV. Or as the DMV called it, a "moving violation".

According to a recent study, 38% of American kids age two and under have used a smartphone. While 38% of Chinese kids age two and under have built a smartphone.

A California man was arrested after attacking a taxi cab with a didgeridoo. It marks the first time a didgeridoo has attacked anything other than ears.

This week, McDonalds brought back the McRib. Which means McDonalds has been diving in their own dumpster.

Justin Bieber has recorded a new song with R. Kelly. Sources have described it as sounding like a "pissing match".

A chain of Virginia liquor stores has advertised 10% off everything on Black Friday. Or as customers are calling it, "Blackout Friday".

Mitt Romney is helping with Boston's bid to host the 2024 Olympics. So congratulations, Boston, on being runner-up to host the 2024 Olympics!

At an Apple store in Australia, a new iPad Air burst into flames. It's just the latest in Apple's long tradition of leaving customers feeling burned.

According to a survey by an online dating site, the least attractive accent is the one from Pennsylvania. While the most attractive accent is the one from big boobs.

One World Trade Center is now officially the tallest building in the United States. Which explains Al Qaeda's new motto: "Aim Higher".

A car mechanic has invented a device that helps women give birth more easily. He's calling it the "jaws of new life".

In a recent interview Miley Cyrus called herself “one of the biggest feminists in the world.” And by "biggest" she means "nudest".

The government is pushing the development of a car that would stop operating if the driver is drunk. In response, Taco Bell will convert all drive-thrus to walk-thrus.

A New York judge found a woman guilty of stalking Alec Baldwin. The judge also banned Baldwin from playing "Words with Stalkers".

Amazon has made a deal with the U.S. Postal Service to deliver packages on Sundays. And no one is more excited by the news than barking dogs.

Kanye West and Kim Kardashian were recently seen scouting thirty acres of land. "Please, no!" said the land.

A Roomba in Austria lit itself on fire, in what's being called the first robot suicide. And authorities say they believe any suicide note was probably vacuumed up.
  

A new poll reveals that Congress is less popular than torture. Which is why the next election may see representatives losing their seats to dentists.
 

Angela Lansbury doesn't like NBC's plans to remake "Murder, She Wrote". Because it'd seem dated unless changed to "Murder, She Texted".

Scientists in Sweden have developed an invisible bike helmet. "Now if only they'd develop an invisible bike rider," said motorists.

PBS has renewed "Tavis Smiley" for two more seasons. When reached for comment, Tavis was, well..smiley.

This week, the Guinness World Record was set for the largest group of people dressed as penguins. They've broken the record that was previously set at a waiters convention.

A new study shows 65% of social media users get their news on just one social network. But if you're on Google+, you haven't gotten the news that no one else is on there.

Two college professors in Belgium found that a library copy of "Fifty Shades of Grey" contained traces of herpes. Which is why it's been dubbed "the book that keeps on giving".

It’s been announced that the Fifty Shades of Grey film will be released on Valentine’s Day. In other words, the only guys getting action that night are ticket takers.

Tesla has announced a plan to build pickup trucks. They say the target demo is pretentious hillbillies.

Scientists say the world needs to prepare for unpredictable pandemics from viruses making the leap from animals to people. Which might explain why Lamar Odom has been trying to split from Khloe Kardashian.

A British scientist claims to have found a safer alternative to alcohol that produces a similar feeling without the negative effects. "What's the point?" asked college students.

A new study shows 65% of social media users get their news on just one social network. And if you're on Google+, you haven't gotten the news that you're all alone.

California has proposed a new bill that would require porn stars to wear protective goggles. Experts say if passed, the new rule may lead to a new fetish called "shop class".

Jimmy Fallon said he knows who his first guest will be when he takes over the Tonight Show. And Jay Leno says he knows who Fallon's last guest will be when he loses The Tonight Show.